Hello! I met my husband at work; he was married then (even married, but not of his own free will, but because his ex-mother-in-law insisted). We were on good friendly terms, helped each other and just communicated well. There was no love relationship, not even in my thoughts (at least in my mind), and I didn’t notice anything like that behind him. In general, good friends. Then my boyfriend left me, I was worried, Dima (this is now my husband) tried to encourage, calm, and tried in every possible way to help. A few weeks later, Dima’s wife left him, now I reassured him, although he said that they did not live very well and had already separated several times. In general, somehow imperceptibly we started dating. Of course there was no special love, more friendship again. Less than a year later they decided to get married. And everything would have been fine if not for one problem: I didn’t love him as a man. He felt good and that was enough for me, I thought I’d endure it and fall in love. I thought that feelings could only ruin everything. Then they immediately wanted a child, but it didn’t work out. I was going crazy, I was only thinking about how to get pregnant, I went through all the treatments, but nothing helped. Doctors only suggested in vitro conception, but I couldn’t go for it because I started to become a church member. I didn’t want to go against God, I thought it was better to take a small child from the baby’s home. After I stopped thinking about pregnancy, I realized that I could not fulfill my marital duty, it was unpleasant for me, it turns out that I was impatient and unloving. I was in despair, I realized that I had made a mistake by getting married without love. During these 3 years that we were married, it also turned out that my husband’s character was quite bad and it was becoming more and more difficult for me to forgive him. My husband began to suspect that he was unpleasant to me, since after intimacy I could not hold back my tears. I didn’t know what to do, and decided that let everything be God’s will. And after 2 months I became pregnant, on my own, without any medical stuff. We were in seventh heaven and it seemed that all the bad things had evaporated. And after the birth of my son, everything became even worse. The child was very restless and sleepless, I had neuroses and hysterics, but instead of support, my husband added fuel to the fire, although perhaps not on purpose. In general, the relationship deteriorated to the end. Intimate life did not improve, or rather it was almost non-existent, 3-4 times a year. But I decided that for the sake of my son I would endure everything. But I don’t recognize myself, I’ve become incredibly nervous. I think all the time that I want someone to protect me, someone to take pity on me. I don’t get this from my husband, and I still treat him as no more than a friend, but our friendship has deteriorated over the years. He also can’t say that he loves me deeply and will make any sacrifice. I think that he also married me, just so as not to be alone. I am constantly sad, longing for some person unknown to me. I guess what I’m missing and what I’ve been missing all these years is a loved one, for whom I want to sacrifice something and who will sacrifice something for me. Whom you want to forgive if you offend. But these are all dreams. I wondered if it was possible to save my marriage. I honestly tried, I tried for 2 years (my son is 2.5). But every time I understand that I am only persuading myself, deceiving myself. And love doesn't come. Living together just for the sake of your son is also probably wrong. Living not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister, so what kind of family is this? Does a child need such a family? I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me. Thanks in advance!

“Hello, Igor. They say that some men, especially those who were once disappointed in love, are sure that they need to create a family without love, they say, this is the most correct thing - who needs these love sufferings, disappointments... Living with a woman without love is the most reliable thing. Everything is smooth, calm and honest towards each other, no need to tear your heart and emotions. Can a man really just live with a woman and even have children from her without love?” – asks Galina from Moscow.

And now I also ask myself and my friends, is it really true? And at first it seems to us that probably not. You can’t live without love at all! Well, or you have to be some kind of completely calculating and insensitive log, so that you can CREATE a family without love. KEEPING a family without love - yes, this is a very common phenomenon. After all, even not the smartest, if they don’t understand, then at least feel: it’s difficult to just pick up and leave a person with whom you’ve lived for several years. Especially if she didn’t do anything bad to you, but the feelings just ended.

What can I say - even if it was bad, it’s still not easy to leave. Not a stranger after all. But it’s a completely different thing to create a family without love, because there, from the very beginning, the person is a complete stranger. That is, in general. Now, if we have love, passion and fire, then this stranger instantly becomes dearest and closest to us. It seems to us that we have always known each other, and at the same time it is difficult to understand why we did not meet earlier. However, it doesn’t matter now that the stars have aligned, we are in love, and the world belongs to us. We have an explosion of passion that replaces reason for us! Although even in such a state of euphoria, even a very much in love man does not always dream of starting a family, much less having children with his beloved. They have love - why spoil everything right away?

However, there are several situations when a man can really agree to marriage without feelings corresponding to this event. Something like this, the further the further, the more cynical:

1. At first there was passion. Then she went somewhere with him, but she could no longer live without him. And he is so soft and he feels sorry for her. And she uses it skillfully. Or she doesn’t use it skillfully and doesn’t use it, but I still feel sorry for her and how can I leave her now, especially if she’s pregnant. Maybe the feeling will return later, who knows? And then, she’s good - how can I leave her?

2. It took me a long time to fall in love. Here, of course, it’s not crazy passion either, but it seems good together. Calmly. Better than alone. Maybe this is real happiness?

3. We are both no longer young. It's becoming more and more difficult for us to let anyone near us. And in general, we have a lot in common with her, and sex is no longer so important.

4. Yes, there is no love. But she is so caring! Such a hostess! And how he cooks! And as the poet said, “love comes and goes, but you always want to eat.”

5. What does love have to do with it when she has such a business and such a dad? Yes, not a beauty, but basically nothing. And then I’ll get someone for love.

Of course, you can talk to your friends and add fifty more reasons. But in my humble but deep conviction there is no need to create a family without love. Even if you have wanted to get married for a very long time, such a marriage is unlikely to add happiness to you. You will always feel that he does not love you, suffer and continue to dream of someone who will love you. Then it’s better to search further, more actively and, as a result, find the one. Happy hunting and mutual love!

Most of us equate marriage with love and cannot seem to imagine our lives without it. But it is known that there are different circumstances in life and sometimes marriage without love can be one of the options. In this article, we invite you to familiarize yourself with the possible reasons that prompted people to take the step of entering into such relationships with each other.

Reasons why people choose loveless marriage:

1. Love is not eternal, it tends to pass and gradually disappear. We fall in love quite quickly and it seems to us that nothing will change and the emotions of romance and passion towards this person will live forever. But after a certain period of time it may turn out that everything is in the past and feelings have faded away. And if you married a person in whom you initially saw a sea of ​​shortcomings and hoped that tender feelings would help you not notice them, then problems may begin and the marriage will turn into shackles for you. Therefore, some people choose to marry without love, but with a person whom they respect and who, in their opinion, has many positive traits and virtues.

Read also our article about happily ever after

2. Love is not the only component and foundation of a strong, long-lasting, happy marriage. Some will say: “With a darling, there is heaven in a hut,” of course, there is a grain of truth in this phrase, but this most often works when there are only two of you in the family and there are no children. Each of us would like his children to live in the best and most comfortable conditions, and this applies not only to the financial side, but also to the emotional side. So, for example, it is important for a woman to be close to a person who will become a reliable support for her and their children, who will have similar views with her in raising them, someone who will put his family first. This also applies to men. They want to see a caring wife with a big heart next to them, who could take good care of him and their future children. Therefore, some people, taking these factors into account, choose this form of marriage.

3. Continuing the conversation about children, we must note that people who already have children from previous marriages must take into account not only their own feelings. After all, they want their offspring to feel good and comfortable in the presence of their parents’ new chosen one. And for the sake of peace and harmony in the family, some choose a marriage where the basis is not romantic feelings. Therefore, a situation where a mother married without love in order for the child to have a father is far from uncommon.

4. There are people who are a little “cold and inhibited” in their feelings. They cannot talk openly about their feelings, experience the same intensity of passions as others in their relationships. This is just such a type of personality, they do not shower their chosen one with romantic letters of love and do not sing serenades, but are able to care for her with all their souls, although at the same time they do not experience any special romantic feelings. These are people who find it difficult to decide what love is, so they make a choice in favor of a partner in whom they find a lot of good things for themselves. Next to him they feel comfortable and calm, they have something to talk about, and their life styles are most often similar.

You might also like our article on whether it’s worth making a relationship official or whether it’s better to live in

5. Some girls marry the first person who proposes to them, because they are afraid of receiving the title of “old maid”, which is imposed by the stereotypes of our society. Especially if such a girl is already about 30 or even older. The pressure of relatives, friends, society is doing its job and she is ready to get married without love, as long as she has a family, like all other people. She wants to be no worse than others, and to show that she also has all the potential to become a good wife and beloved woman.

6. Another destructive reason for such a marriage can be revenge. For example, in revenge on an ex, people agree to marry another person. They deceive themselves, thinking that in this way they will hurt their ex-partners and show others how they can live happily with someone else. Yes, perhaps it will be unpleasant for them, but it is not they who will be unhappy in the marriage, but those who decided to take revenge. Is the game worth the candle for the fleeting satisfaction of this show? Probably not, after all, life should bring joy, not sadness. Of course, it is possible that the newly made spouse may ultimately turn out to be the ideal option for them, but this chance is not that great.

7. Some people suffer from the “ideal child”, “good girl”, “obedient boy” complex, which is expressed in the desire to constantly comply with the wishes of their parents. For them, nothing is more important than the opinion of their parents; they are ready to do whatever it takes to avoid upsetting them. It seems to them that if they do something that disagrees with the opinion of their parents, then they will not love them. Therefore, they choose as their spouse the one who is approved by their dad and mom.

Remember that life does not stand still and if you got married without love, this does not mean at all that you cannot fall in love with your own wife or husband and live a happy life together. Before getting married, be sure to weigh the pros and cons, soberly evaluate all the shortcomings and advantages of your chosen one, try to objectively imagine your life together and then make the right decision.

Letter to the editor

I love my children, I have two: a daughter and a son. We read with them, do chores around the house, and go for walks in our free time. But my husband and I don’t have a close understanding; he is a busy man. Sometimes thoughts come to mind: maybe there is something wrong in our family? We often hear that it is impossible to live out of a sense of duty and because of children in marriage. Orthodox books also write that love and personal relationships between spouses are the main thing. I tried to talk about this before, but my husband showed no interest. The relationship is formal, as if frozen, everyone has their own separate world. It turns out that we will never become a good family?

Best regards, Olga

What to do when there is a lack of reciprocity in a marriage?

Don’t be discouraged, but use what you have correctly. Reciprocity is a gift, not a rule. Emotional warmth and attraction are made a prerequisite for a marital relationship, and yet people are different, their feelings and ways of expressing them are different. It turns out to be a kind of dictate of a single rule. Whether you like it or not, give me reverent love!

Because of this, sometimes they lose their balance, families that do not correspond to the image of ardent romance are destroyed. Love maximalism is stuck in our heads. If there is no love (read delight in the relationship), the marriage depreciates. A new meeting can help, and a person easily destroys what he began to build. Although many couples could learn to interact and resolve emerging issues, albeit on a calmer and more modest level.

Love is not just feelings, splashes of champagne and flowers. If the spouse remains faithful and has given up flirting with the opposite sex, he loves; if he is patient with the shortcomings and omissions of his half, he loves; if he is responsible in matters of finance, he loves, if children are dear to him, all the more so his love is manifested here.

A little? But for the family there are quite vital reasons.

Such different love

This is not as impressive compared to beautiful gestures, gifts and courtship. Social network pages are filled with photos of joint trips and festive events. Smiling faces, hugs, an ocean of feelings... And yet it is stupid to think that love is something that is done exclusively “for you”, while what is done “for the sake of the children” has nothing to do with love. It is in vain to contrast everyday life with the sublime side of marriage.

You, Olga, mention your husband as a busy person. Then you know how many people in history have devoted themselves to a public calling. A frequent picture in the families of scientists, doctors, sailors, executives, and military personnel: the father works late at work or goes on a long-term business trip. At this time, the wife takes care of the children and is busy around the house. Also in priestly families, the father and spouse often sacrifice family affairs in order to devote themselves more fully to the pastoral mission. Are all these families necessarily unhappy? No. They have mutual understanding and their own dignity. Although this is not the image of love that is being replicated today. Marriage-turning towards each other gives way to joint service to a great important cause.

It happens that a person loves home, children, and this primarily explains his desire to start a family. Should such an impulse be considered wrong? Should a husband and wife necessarily feel like characters in a melodrama? We often come across the opinion that someone who does not experience constant reverent delight from his other half is certainly married “for status” or “for the sake of convenience.” Sometimes, under the influence of general fashion, spouses are afraid to admit the absence of crazy love. They deliberately throw out eccentricities or forcefully pretend to be romantic.

But there is nothing more natural than when you are attracted and warmed by a homely atmosphere, an ensemble of characters, children and adults, the opportunity to serve and be involved in a large and common whole. Reciprocity is given or not given for two. Even the strongest and most persistent desire is not always enough to overcome the difference between life approaches. If you enjoy communicating with children and doing chores around the house, then here is your novel and your happiness and creativity, Olga.

Personality and personal

The pathos of the relationship between two individuals forms the basis of the modern idea of ​​marriage. It seems that as soon as the words “personality” and “personal” are uttered, what is happening takes on special significance. You, Olga, are talking about your desire for a personal relationship with your husband. But, to tell the truth, with a person everything - personal and impersonal - simply does not exist. Personal relationships can be good and bad; their personal nature in itself does not say anything about their quality. And even such an important thing as reciprocity in marriage is not always positive. Thus, we are unlikely to be pleased with the unity and mutual understanding that arises in a pair of drinking spouses.

Real, deep personal relationships are not as easy and accessible as one might think. It’s good when two people unite in order to live according to their conscience, and not according to their whims. Unfortunately, it is a fairly common phenomenon that marital unions mask and encourage each other’s shortcomings.

Those critics who point out the presence of a dark side in marriage are partly right: narrowness, conformism, philistine self-interest, distortion of the truth to please “their own.” Hand washes hand! The bitter truth: marriage does not always make a person better. Haven’t we seen how a wife justifies her husband who has committed some unseemly act? For example, someone who failed to fulfill a promise or withheld a certain amount of money from others. Out of a false sense of family benefit and solidarity, she convinces him to focus on his own needs, on the scarcity of funds and orders him to blame his comrades for everything that happened. Isn’t it a common occurrence when a husband stands up for his half: threatens, utters hurtful words against imaginary offenders - at a time when, in fairness, he should strictly reprimand her for the incongruous behavior that became the cause of the conflict?

The question of the relationship between individuals requires clarification: what are they doing and what role do they play for each other? The selfishness of two is no better than the selfishness of a single person.

Family life carries not only great opportunities, but also temptations. The family can become a school for self-improvement, but for people without proper self-discipline and unsteady intentions, it is often a breeding ground for relaxation and self-justification.

Open the Old Testament to the psalms of King David, and you will find in Psalms 145 and 115 the lines: do not trust in princes, in the sons of men, and in every man a lie. They concern everyone without exception. Untruth and limitations haunt relationships, including marriages. Close recognition of another leads to sad reflections. There are many obstacles to reciprocity. There is a strong difference in the rhythms of a man and a woman, in the peaks and troughs of activity. The “synchrony” of the spouses’ assessments and experiences falters every now and then. In other moments of weakness, it is even more useful to distract yourself and turn your gaze to third objects beyond “you” and “I”. Taking care of the home and children in this case is a great chance, one might say, salvation for marital relationships.

During other, longer periods of emotional drought, such as you and your husband are likely experiencing, there remains hope for some general change in circumstances in the future.

In a sense, the very idea of ​​complete harmony in the family can be harmful. A person comes into a state of dissatisfaction and restless demand. However, hopes for a marriage without flaws, the resolution of all relationship problems without exception, are naive and unrealistic!

It must be remembered that many recurring conflicts and misunderstandings in families are predetermined, a kind of congenital shortcomings of a particular couple. This is reminiscent of how each of us has our own specific characteristics and shortcomings, strengths and weaknesses from the moment we are born until the end of our days.

The truly personal in us is revealed as we free ourselves from sin. Christian experience teaches this. While the soul is carried away by passions, sharp corners and burrs hurt when in close contact. A reasonable balance between caution and openness, the famous patristic “love and run,” turns out to be more urgent and effective in comparison with reckless maximalism.

On my word of honor and on one wing

But what, if not maximalism, corresponds to the Christian view of marriage, you say. Aren't the best epithets applied to the union of two in church sermons?

The image of Christian marriage is high; according to the Apostle Paul, it resembles the union of Christ and the Church. From this sometimes arises confusion and confusion. The high degree of unity put forward by the benchmark of Christian marriage does not work out for married couples. The family traditions of husband and wife are different, reflected in the dissimilarity of tastes and temperament of each. A young mother will start reading about the love of spouses as a guarantee of the correct development of a child and she will want to cry. After all, her husband does not show much interest in her and the child, and therefore, she will not be able to raise a good and mentally healthy son or daughter. The more she reads about the ideal of a Christian family, the more the cats scratch at her soul. Church teaching about the ideal of the family seems written for someone else, not for her - as if a sick and poor person began to be convinced of the benefits and advantages of a healthy and wealthy life.

However, let us be encouraged: a family becomes Christian not only by conforming to the ideal, but also by embodying the qualities of patience, hard work and service, which have spiritual and evangelical origins. Be that as it may and no matter what happens, caring for the family continues to have moral value. If there is a lack of mutual understanding, spouses can still be kept within the circle of Christian concepts. At least one of the spouses must feel family responsibility and be focused on a common result for all. Like the crew of an aircraft, the marriage in this case continues to fly “on word of honor and on one wing.” It’s not even an obstacle when the other half is unchurched or remains an unbeliever.

That is why the Apostle Paul says: An unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife. The free moral choice is to continue to maintain the high image and meaning of what is happening, despite even trouble or the absence of the required unity.

The family continues to live and has the internal potential for self-adjustment and restoration even in the presence of a “weak link.” Gradually, with God’s help, the “weak link” is strengthened. However, it happens that the other spouse bears the infirmities of one on his shoulders until the end. This circumstance also cannot be considered misfortune and failure. Moral work in marriage meets with special mercy and favor in the eyes of God.

For children's perception, the experience of parental overcoming, fighting for one's half, defending the integrity of the family - with prayer, patience and waiting, as Elder Ambrose of Optina said, is fruitful in its own way. Positive results in education are obtained not only where relationships are harmonious. It is possible that families that have overcome difficulties will emerge with better prepared and stronger characters.

Yes, at first we have great difficulty accepting the idea of ​​​​a marriage where there is a lack of reciprocity. Everyone sincerely hopes for a warm, trusting atmosphere in the house as a safe haven. Subsequently, many are faced with “limitation in opportunities” - something that resembles the situation of a person constrained by illness.

And you may begin to resent the fact that your life is no longer like the lives of those around you. You may be tormented and panicked. The wise decision is to learn to live with your illness. Be able to enjoy little things, set tasks for yourself and solve them.

Also, families experiencing a lack of mutual understanding need to set realistic goals and move towards them in small steps, to the best of their ability. Undoubtedly believing in the importance of the work being undertaken and in the fact that any smallest success in preserving and developing good family principles is not insignificant before God.