Media influence

How we feel about ourselves depends largely on our environment. And most of all, we are influenced by the media and the content we consume.

Once we stop thinking that there is something wrong with us, we will begin to notice what is happening around us and understand how advertising works. She bombards us with images of the “ideal” so that we always want to buy more and more.

We are made to think that now we are not good enough, but if we buy this or that product... Only when we buy it, everything repeats itself again. And we try again and again to change ourselves in order to finally correspond to the ideal imposed on us.

Childhood experience

Of course, it's not just the media. We are also influenced by the lessons we learn in . Here's what psychologist Karyl McBride, who specializes in working with children from disadvantaged families, says about this.

Take, for example, families in which one of the parents suffers from alcohol addiction. The child does not understand why the parent sometimes deals with him and sometimes ignores him. In a family where one of the parents suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, the child does not understand that such a parent is not able to show empathy or love. In families with domestic violence, the child does not understand why adults do such terrible things. The child tries to solve the problems of adults in order to achieve his main goal - to receive love and care. Of course, this happens unconsciously, but this behavior can manifest itself at a very early age.

Caryl McBride

We continue to think this way into adulthood, allowing external factors to influence our thoughts. When we see that things are going wrong, we look for ways to improve the situation.

If someone treats us badly, we immediately assume that there is something wrong with us. We cannot control what people think about us, so we begin to change something in our behavior: the way we dress, talk, laugh. And then we tell ourselves: “Since this person’s opinion has not changed, then the problem is with me.”

We are faced with a problem and instead of understanding its cause and somehow solving the situation, we try to change ourselves. In the end, this behavior only causes harm. Because sooner or later it begins to seem to us that we will never change, we will never become “correct”.

How to deal with it

You need to change your approach. Tell yourself: “I am not inferior to others, I am good enough. I can always develop and become even better.”

Let this attitude towards yourself become your new natural reaction to the world around you. Of course, to believe this, you will need to take concrete measures. It's not enough to just say you believe it. You need to get this into your head.

1. Think about someone you admire, and then ask yourself what that person would appreciate about you.

This is very . Think about the people you admire and respect, those you would like to emulate, and try to find some traits in yourself that they would admire. You don't need any great achievements to do this. The main thing is to stop considering yourself inferior.

2. Treat yourself no worse than you would treat your employees.

Stop being hard on yourself. If you treated your subordinates in the same way, they would not only quit, but they would also sue you. Much of what we say to ourselves, we would never say to another person. So stop doing that.

Ask yourself: “Would I say this to someone else?” This is a great way to evaluate how you feel about yourself.

3. Don't engage in self-criticism

This is especially important. Even if you do deserve criticism, beating yourself up will only make you angrier at yourself. Admit that you made a mistake. Accept it and move on.

If you believe that you are good enough, then no matter what the media or others tell you, you will put in the effort and be able to achieve your goals. But if you are convinced that you are not up to par with others in some way, then you have given up before you even get down to business.

It doesn’t matter whether you have a ton of hatred or a ton of tenderness in your soul.
When a feeling doesn’t find a way out, it’s just a ton. In your soul.

"Unreasonable" dissatisfaction

How interesting our mental structure is: having certain desires necessary for a happy life, it does not allow us to relax even for a minute. Having not received what was needed, it will get it in another way, albeit more roughly, but as a result we get our filling. But when you don’t know what you want and don’t understand what’s missing in your life, it becomes unbearable and sickening. I'm sick of people, life and myself.

A nagging feeling in my soul that something is missing - everything seems to be there, but something is still not right. Something that would make life brighter in colors and deeper in meaning, calmer and more satisfied. Then we begin to look for something to fill this emptiness, which is tearing our peace to pieces. In this case, we come up with holidays for ourselves - such fun days, a release from the bland life, so that at the peak of emotions we can shout with delight “Life is great!” But the holiday passes, and all new sensations are lost in everyday life. Day after day it's sad. Day after day it's grey...

Nothing happens by itself, and fate is in no hurry to give us gifts of delight and pleasure from life. But it’s impossible to arrange holidays for yourself every day; in the end, they also become boring. But if there is a desire for more, isn’t it in nature? How can you want something that does not exist, something that is impossible? If everything is fine in principle, but I don’t get the desired pleasure from life, what needs to be changed?

In nature, any desire can potentially be fulfilled. If there is a desire, there is also fulfillment. One cannot exist without the other. If you want, take it. But how? How to understand what we want? Without fulfilling our desires, we face anxiety that we are missing out on something important in life. It feels like someone is not giving us happiness, although we, of course, are worthy.

Without understanding what is eating us, without understanding ourselves, we live in a world full of people just like ourselves. And feeling all this discomfort, we successfully blame its causes on others. Hundreds of thousands of adults blame everyone for their shortcomings, but not themselves. Floundering like blind kittens, we poke into the substitutes of life and the next morning we fall back into reality again, unable to keep a moment of happiness nearby. And it doesn’t matter what we choose for ourselves: alcohol, drugs, games, parties, stupid chatter, shopping, monasticism or God knows what else. And it doesn’t matter whether we realize that we blame everyone but ourselves. My Self is what will always come first, even if we behave the opposite, to please others.

That's how we live. Suspecting nothing and not understanding the background of their states and moods. But the desire that drives us forces us to look for an answer to an unknown question. It doesn't disappear. You can’t fill it with “holidays.” Give each one according to his needs, period.

The trouble is that we don’t understand well and easily push the sad thought back to where it comes from... We don’t listen to nature’s prompts. Then a bad scenario plays out, and it gradually becomes obvious that you can’t live like this.

Unfulfilled desires seek their fulfillment and, not receiving it, realize themselves at random, confusing us even more. Over time, everything somehow crumbles in life, and bad states of mind visit more and more often. Dissatisfaction with life is slowly growing, but life goes on...

Without knowing it, we hold within ourselves emotions that must find a way out and, not finding it, spill out in a not the most pleasant way. There is such a concept as “making a scandal to your heart’s content” - it means that after a scandal there is a pleasant aftertaste, relief. This is really true: by throwing out our discontent that was choking us from within, we get relief. Essentially, these are our unsatisfied desires that have found a back door. Without proper fulfillment, our innate desires leave room for a feeling of dissatisfaction with life.

Such moments are especially vivid in a crowd, for example, in a queue at a store, where, having barely found a reason, people begin to make trouble. I always had the feeling that the brawlers were just waiting for the moment to grab onto something and start a showdown. It is so indeed. Dissatisfaction with life forces us to share our experiences in an unpleasant way. When a person is happy with everything, he will not have the need to dump negativity on others, but on the contrary, he will “soften” the atmosphere with his presence.

Each of us experiencing our own troubles, together we are a lump of negativity. But the reasons for this behavior vary among people. Having understood the reason for constant dissatisfaction, we can easily manage our condition.

But how can you figure it out if everyone has problems and everyone is dissatisfied with something in life? Not everything is perfect; moreover, everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Discomfort makes us move forward, develop and improve ourselves and our lives. Without understanding this, we plunge into this bad state, and instead of correcting the situation, solving problems, we get angry at fate, life, people around, etc... In the end, we can blame ourselves for our failures, but at the same time it may appear feeling of hopelessness. We are always waiting for help, without even realizing it, we remove responsibility from ourselves and place naive hopes on someone else...

There are a huge number of people around us who, as it sincerely seems to us, only want to harm and ruin our lives, “that’s the reason for my bad mood!” – one might mistakenly assume.

To try to change the situation, you need to start from something. There are many techniques that are aimed at improving relationships and eliminating the oppressive feeling of discomfort that causes scandals. For example, I often came across the following: accept a person as he is or try not to notice flaws. But in practice it turns out that it is impossible to simply accept a person, because I (I must say that I am our everything) is always better than others, even unconsciously. And another person, having fundamentally completely different properties, will never be perceived by us as a model - we are all different. It’s also impossible to ignore people’s shortcomings; such suppression of emotions will sooner or later lead to an explosion of negativity. It is unrealistic to stop communicating with people, just like living in a vacuum. You can’t change yourself either - the structure of the psyche given by nature remains with us for the rest of our lives.

What to do?

After we understand that the conflicts are not completely settled, and we no longer have the strength to fight ourselves, we give up, we conclude that it is better to stop such communication. But the carousel of changing social circles will lead nowhere. Changing our environment, we inevitably encounter the same problems, choosing similar people to communicate with each other again and again.

In any case, after trying to get out of the way of discontent and scandals, you have to start with your majestic figure. Is it possible to look at other people differently so that they no longer seem to be the cause of all our problems?

Can. You can improve your life. Set it up in such a way that it does not appear as a lump of dissatisfaction with life and hatred of other people, and naturally does not lead to the provocation of the same individuals full of hostility.

All this sounds beautiful and correct, but somehow distant from life, like a theory that is not applicable in practice. However, it is not. In all these unsaid meanings, it is important to understand one thing - to take full responsibility for yourself, you need to understand yourself. Know your structure, delve into the cause-and-effect relationships of your thoughts and behavior. After all, we will not scold the rain if we could not protect ourselves from it - it is clear that this is useless. We all know the law of the water cycle and understand that this is a device of nature, and there is no one to blame, you need to watch the weather forecast and take an umbrella with you if necessary.

I will try to analyze the cause-and-effect relationships of dissatisfaction with life and subsequent troubles in different people, using the technique.

Obviously, everyone is different. Which ones are different?

Gloomy, alluring, boring, powerful, thoughtful, sensual, sociable or secretive... It seems that you can list them endlessly and it’s easy to get confused. However, not everything is as complicated as it might seem at first glance.

System-vector psychology identifies eight main types of mentality. Each type (vector) has its own innate properties and desires, which differ from each other and do not intersect with each other. Naturally, each person has his own values, depending on the presence of certain vectors. By realizing their natural aspirations and desires in life, people get pleasure. The biochemistry of the brain is balanced - that is, filled with the realization of its desires, the brain releases endorphins - substances that we feel as happiness and joy from life.

People endowed with different vectors react to reality in different ways. And they also manifest themselves in different ways. Naturally, the reasons for their dissatisfaction with life will be radically different. Having failed to properly realize ourselves and our potential, we experience suffering and often have no idea how much we ourselves are the cause of these unpleasant situations.

So, let's try to figure it out.

At a psychologist’s appointment you can often hear: “... everything is going well in my life. I am a completely prosperous person. But I feel bad and don’t understand why this is happening. It’s hard for me and I want to change it, but I don’t know what to change and how to do it.”

Each of our states has reasons, and so does the feeling of dissatisfaction with life.

Firstly, it is possible you're really missing something important to feel like you are living a full and fulfilling life.

Sometimes it is clear to us what exactly is missing for happiness, but for various reasons we do not make efforts to get what we lack.

For example, you have long wanted to change your profession, but the need to come to terms with a temporary reduction in wages and the fear that you will not be able to achieve success in your new profession are preventing you from doing so. Or someone has dreamed of playing the piano since childhood, but it seems that it is too late to start and they should give up “stupid childhood fantasies.” Sometimes the only way to change our life that comes to our mind is too radical to bring it to life. But sometimes we don’t even understand what exactly doesn’t suit us in our own lives.

Either because we consider it unimportant, or even the very understanding of what we lack already requires internal changes. Perhaps the most common example is when a woman is dissatisfied with a man’s attitude towards herself. Although a lot of things hurt her, expressing her dissatisfaction for her is tantamount to a decision to break up. But she doesn’t want to break up, so, unbeknownst to herself, she convinces herself that everything is fine and she has a wonderful relationship. But for “an unknown reason” he feels dissatisfied with life and is moping. Another reason - problems of self-esteem and self-acceptance . Some people tend to pay little attention to the good and valuable

what is in them and in their lives. If you carefully question such a person, he himself will be surprised to notice that there is a lot of value in his life and this improves his mood. But usually not for long, because after a while, he habitually stops noticing the good again. extremely demanding of themselves and mercilessly scold themselves at the slightest failure. It’s as if an unfriendly critic is constantly commenting on what they think, feel and do: “this is nonsense, this is kindergarten, well, here you are again in this: of course, what else could be expected from you.” It is not surprising that they are constantly dissatisfied with themselves.

And finally, dissatisfaction with oneself can be one of the symptoms. Feelings of guilt, feelings of worthlessness and thoughts about your own uselessness - if you are familiar with these feelings, you should seek psychological help.

All these reasons may be interconnected.

For example, being overly demanding of ourselves can lead us to refuse to make efforts to achieve what we want. And why? After all, nothing good will come of it anyway. If we do not achieve what is important and valuable to us, the feeling of being a failure will grow and strengthen. With some predisposition, this can eventually lead to depression.

And it happens the other way around. A person develops depression - and he believes that there is nothing good and valuable in his life. These thoughts are so convincing that he forgets that when he was healthy, he loved and valued his work, family, friends, and hobbies.

The help of a psychologist when working with dissatisfaction with life and dissatisfaction with oneself is to find the reasons for what is happening and help eliminate them.

Help may be needed in understanding what is missing and planning how to add it into your life. Often one or two meetings with a professional psychologist are enough, and you can do the rest of the work yourself.

In other cases, psychological help consists of teaching you to notice the good and evaluate yourself realistically, make reasonable demands on yourself, defend your interests, etc. In this case, the professional psychologist partly acts as a coach. He draws up a training plan, helps not to overstrain himself from unbearable loads, and supports him in case of failures. If the problem is depression, psychotherapy is necessary. Sometimes, in addition to psychotherapy, a psychologist may suggest seeing a doctor to prescribe medications.

We all feel dissatisfied with ourselves sometimes and that's completely normal. But if this feeling does not go away for a long time and grows, come to us, together we will figure out what the reasons are and overcome the difficulties.

What is the main determinant of happiness? The answer to this question, as you probably already know, is not wealth, fame, beauty or power. Our sense of happiness is determined by how other people, especially our loved ones - friends, family members, colleagues - treat us. When your loved ones treat you well, you simply cannot help but feel happy, but if they treat you poorly or avoid communicating with you, you are doomed to unhappiness.

The reason why our happiness depends largely on the quality of our relationships with others, is that people are primarily social beings. And if you look around, you can find a lot of evidence of this. It is very important for us to know what others think of us, and, as my own observations show, we are much more willing to agree to experience something unpleasant (for example, watching a bad movie) in the company of others who share our negative attitude towards it than to experience something pleasant (for example, watch a good movie) in the company of people who disagree with us. Our social nature also explains why falling in love with another person is the most precious experience of our lives and why isolation, the extreme form of which is solitary confinement, is considered by those who have experienced it to be the most severe test.

All this explains why it is so painfully difficult for us to communicate and interact with negative people - people who constantly spoil our mood with their pessimism, anxiety and mistrust. Imagine being constantly prevented from pursuing your dreams because “only a few succeed at it.” Or imagine being constantly discouraged from learning something new - like scuba diving or horse riding - because it's "too dangerous." Imagine constantly hearing negative statements about other people (for example, “I can’t believe you told your neighbors you failed your driving test—now they’ll never respect you!”) If you regularly experience this kind of negative influence, This can greatly affect your pool of positivity, which in turn will cause you to either join the ranks of negative people or become indifferent or even rude towards negative people in your environment.

How should you behave with negative people?

One obvious solution is to simply not communicate with them. But this is easier said than done. We can always easily stop talking to a grumpy bartender or an airline executive who has trouble managing his anger, but we can't just turn away and stop talking to our parents, siblings, spouses, coworkers, or friends.

A more practical approach to dealing with such people is to first try to understand the reasons for their negative attitude. In short, a negative attitude almost always has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: fear of being disrespected by others, fear of being unloved, and fear of something bad happening. These fears continuously feed each other, and as a result, a person gripped by them comes to the conclusion that “the world around us is very dangerous, and most people are bad.”

A person gripped by such fears finds it difficult to believe in the need to follow his dreams (after all, he is guaranteed to fail along this path) and take risks, even if this is necessary for personal growth and development. It is also easy to understand why people who are captive of these fears find it very difficult to trust others.

The fears that underlie a negative worldview manifest themselves in a wide variety of forms:

Vulnerability or a tendency to be offended by other people’s comments: for example, the phrase “you look great today” evokes an exclusively negative reaction: “So yesterday I looked bad?”

Categoricalism or the tendency to invest negative motivation in the completely innocent actions of other people: for example, guests who do not praise the hostess’s treat are regarded as “uncouth rude people who do not deserve invitations in the future.”

Diffidence. We are talking about a feeling of helplessness, an inability to cope with the trials that we encounter along the path of life, which leads to severe anxiety when faced with such trials and to feelings of shame and guilt if a person avoids these trials.

Demanding: Although negative people feel acutely insecure about their own abilities, they often persistently demand special achievements from their loved ones so that “I can be proud of you.”

Pessimism or the tendency to believe that the future is bleak and hopeless. For example, negative people are much more willing to imagine how and why an important commercial visit might go wrong than vice versa.

Avoidance of risks, especially in matters of a social nature. This leads to a reluctance to disclose information that “could be used against me” and, as a result, boring conversations and superficial relationships.
The desire to control the behavior of other people, especially loved ones. For example, negative people make strict demands on how their children should eat, what kind of car they should buy, and so on.

It is worth noting that all of the above manifestations of negativity have one common feature, namely the tendency to blame external factors - other people, the environment or “luck” - rather than oneself and one’s negative attitude towards the world. Negative people often think, “If only people knew what I was capable of, if only people were kinder to me, if the world wasn’t full of dangers, and if only my friends, colleagues, and family treated me the way I should.” I would like this, I would be happy!”

At first glance, it may seem rather paradoxical that negative people experience self-doubt and at the same time consider themselves entitled to demand respect and love from others. It may also seem quite paradoxical that negatively minded people look with pessimism at their own future and at the same time demand success from others. However, in reality there is no paradox here. This happens because negative people do not feel respected and loved, do not feel that they themselves are able to control their lives, and therefore demand love and respect from others and strive to control everything around them.

If you look at negative people from this point of view, it becomes clear that their negativity is an almost undisguised cry for help. Of course, these people are not helping themselves by displaying their distress and desire to control everyone - they would be much more successful in trying to win love, respect and control if they realized that displaying their distress and desire to control everyone is doomed to failure. - however, the fact remains: negative people need help.

An obvious but ultimately counterproductive way to help these people is to give them the love, respect, and control they crave. However, this can be a very slippery slope because over time people adapt to new conditions, and soon those around them will be forced to show even more love, respect and give these people even more control in order to make them happy. In other words, by fulfilling their wishes, you may be creating a Frankenstein who will come back to haunt you with renewed vigor.

An alternative solution is to force negative people to find the sources of their negativity and understand that their negativity is more a reflection of their attitude towards the world than an objective state of affairs. Meanwhile, as I already wrote in my other article, people are rarely able to adequately respond to critical statements, and those who are negatively disposed most likely will not listen to them at all, let alone take them into account.

This leaves you with only three options. First, you can grit your teeth, face that negativity, and hope that the person standing in front of you will change someday. The second option is to try to find a professional counselor or mediator (for example, a mutual friend) and hope that the opinion of a “third party” will help the person understand that his negativity does not benefit anyone.

However, these two options most likely will not solve the underlying problem. In the first case, when you grit your teeth and hope that the negative person will eventually begin to perceive the world around him in a positive way, your passivity can serve as evidence that his negativity is justified. Over time, this will lead to increasing and tightening demands on you and, if you are unable to meet these demands, to new complaints against you.

One of the arguments against the second option is that negatively-minded people often tend to avoid solving the problem, hiding behind indignation and the perceived injustice of the claims - “everyone around, even my best friends, is against me!” Even if a third party can show a negative person that his worldview is unproductive, this is unlikely to change the situation. This happens because recognizing the problem alone is not enough to solve it: this requires changing the subconscious thinking patterns that underlie negative worldviews.

This brings us to the third and, from my point of view, the most reasonable option for behavior in a society of negatively minded people. In short, this option involves three elements: empathy for the negative person, taking responsibility for your own happiness regardless of the negative attitude of your loved one, and maturity in your relationship with the negative person.

Empathy rarely, if ever, involves giving a negative person advice to change his or her behavior. It also completely excludes reading lectures about the sources of their negativity. As I wrote above, most of us are not ready to listen to negative and critical statements - this is especially true for negatively minded people. It can be quite difficult for you not to react to such a person, especially if their negativity gets under your skin. However, remember that if you express everything to his face, this will not help solve the problem, but will only make it worse. It's also worth remembering that while you only have to deal with a negative person occasionally, they have to deal with themselves all the time! This thought can help you feel compassion for such a person.

The second element - taking responsibility for your own positive attitude - suggests that you should do everything possible to protect your own happiness. If you are unable to maintain a positive attitude and calmness, then all is lost. In one of my articles, I gave some tips on how you can take responsibility for your happiness. In short, this involves starting to think more positively about the world around you, but this may not be enough if you have to constantly deal with a stream of negativity: you may need regular breaks from and interaction with a negative person in order to remain calm. Of course, if you want to take regular breaks from him, you'll have to come up with a plausible explanation - you don't want your loved one to think that you're avoiding him.

The third element - maturity - implies an understanding that the most effective way to set such a person in a positive mood is to become the embodiment of a positive attitude. For example, blaming a negative person for making you see the world around you in dark colors will not help. Imagine the irony of telling someone to “stop blaming others for your negative worldview,” while blaming them for bringing you down.

How can you show your positive attitude towards the world in such a way as to force a negative person to adopt it, without stooping to lectures and moralizing?

To do this, you need to learn - as much as possible - to behave like a person who is absolutely safe. That is, to behave like a person whom other people love and respect and who controls all important aspects of the lives of those around him. This means: do not let the negativity of others interfere with your natural desire to make your dreams come true, do not be afraid to take justifiable risks, trust other people. However, you should not do all this just to annoy a negative person or prove to him that you are right. It is best to behave naturally, so that spontaneity, a positive attitude and trust in relation to other people become your integral features. Then, if a negative person allows himself to make a skeptical or cynical remark - and he will definitely make one - take the opportunity to explain to him why you act the way you do and not otherwise.

For example, if such a person warns you that your pursuit of a dream is pointless, let him know that you perceive your chances of success differently, or tell him that you would rather try and fail than give up on your dream altogether. If a negative person warns you of the disastrous consequences of taking what you consider a justifiable risk, respond calmly: “Well, we’ll see what happens.” Let's hope that as a result of this risky venture you will not suffer any losses and gain new valuable experience. Over time, the negative person will have to accept that although you are much more risk-averse, you are not reckless. Finally, if a negative person chastises you for trusting people too much, ask him to remind you of times when others took advantage of your trust to your detriment. (Let's hope there were very few or no such cases, because if not, the negative person may be right in saying that you are overly trusting.) You can also feel free to point to research findings: to form lasting and deep relationships , you need to trust your loved ones. (Let's hope that you can boast of a closer friendship than your interlocutor, who perceives the world around him in a negative way.)

Although it may take you a long time to see any results, eventually they will appear. Change will happen at an extremely slow pace, but once it happens, it will stick for a long time. The truth is that people enjoy being around positive people, so even a negative person will sooner or later appreciate your positive attitude towards the world. People also really like to experience positive emotions. Therefore, if a negative person absorbs your positivity in your presence, at some point he will begin to value himself more, and this in turn will lead to the fact that he will begin to trust others more and look into the future with greater optimism.

As you've probably realized by now, dealing with negative people requires humility. The fact that you find it difficult to overcome others' negativity proves that you have seeds of negativity within yourself. If you didn't feel drained by the negativity of others - if you had absolute confidence in yourself - you wouldn't find the company of negative people so repulsive. Understanding that you need to work on yourself to cope with your own negativity, while helping others in their struggles with a negative outlook, will help you gain the ability to empathize, think positively, and the maturity needed to carry out this difficult but a very necessary task.

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