It is not for nothing that the name of Sigmund Freud is associated with most scientific and pseudo-scientific conversations about human sexuality. His theory in retellings is sometimes brought to the point of absurdity, but the fact remains: it was Freud who suggested that the main active force, the main motivating element of human activity is his sexual energy, the power of sexual desire.

The essence of Freud's theory is to determine the stages of development of the very leading stimulus that determines a person's life. There are 5 main stages that human sexuality or libido (the desire for sensual pleasure) goes through.

The first stage corresponds to the first year of life and is designated oral. That is, the center of all pleasures during this period is the mouth. It is not just a way and object of obtaining food, but also a means of exploring surrounding objects. Please note that small children taste all objects for research purposes.

The second and third years of life are usually designated as the anal stage of development. This is the period when the child learns to control the activity of his intestines. Physiological pleasure obtained as a result of one’s own actions in this area is considered the strongest. During this same period, the child gets used to social and hygienic requirements in this regard.

The age of 3-5 years is characterized by increased attention paid to the external genitalia. At this age, Sigmund Freud identified differences in the development of boys and girls.

Boys, according to Freud's theory, in the process of self-identification and socialization in the family, look for their place in this social system. During this period, sexual feelings and lusts are concentrated on the mother, which is accompanied by fear directed towards the father.

Fear is associated with possible punishment, which may be directed at the boy's penis. The understanding that this physiological element is not obligatory (after all, girls do not have it) gives rise to the fear of losing it. As a rule, this period leads the boy to identify himself with his father, or at least with his social role. This is the beginning of the formation of male behavior and the period of active formation of one’s own idea of ​​oneself as a representative of a certain gender.

The complex described above is also called “Oedipus”, according to the ancient Greek legend about Oedipus, who, not knowing his parents, killed his own father and married his mother.

Girls, according to Freud, have a more complex complex. Its essence is that the girl has envy of the owners of the penis, a feeling of deception. Freud argued that this complex, called the Electra complex (also an ancient Greek legend about a princess who contributed to the murder of her mother). The desire to find one’s place in the social structure of the family leads to the desire to be with the father, that is, to take the place of the mother. In fact, this complex usually leads to the fact that the girl is forced to “share” the attention of her father with her mother. True, Freud was convinced that envy of boys who have a penis remains with girls for life.

There was an old joke about this:

A girl and a boy in kindergarten show each other their genitals. The boy points, the girl points, after which the boy begins to laugh - they say, you’ve probably either lost it or haven’t grown up... The girl complains to her mother in the evening. To which the mother smiles and says: “Daughter, tell me that when you grow up, you will have dozens of these.”

From five to six years of age until adolescence, the child’s attention is directed outward. Other interests appear besides one’s own biological sphere, which is already more or less understood and realized. Freud calls this period latent.

11-13 years - the onset of adolescence. A biological explosion leads to a period called genius. A teenager’s close attention to the processes occurring in his body, external changes, not only determine behavior and self-awareness during this period, but also actually form the basis of the teenager’s sexual behavior and feelings for the future.

Of course, Freud's theory is not comprehensive, not to mention that many of its aspects are, to put it mildly, puzzling. But he himself did not claim to be the ultimate truth. In the end, everyone has the right to their own opinion on any subject, including this sensitive topic. Look in the mirror, look inside yourself, and formulate your own theory.

Coursework

"Sigmund Freud's Theory of Personality"

Introduction

One of the significant aspects of the steady entry of psychology into modern science is its study of human personality. The main goal of today's personality psychology is to explain from a scientific perspective why people behave the way they do.

In the second half of the 19th century, when psychology emerged as a separate science, its main goal was to reveal the basic elements of the human psyche using the method of introspection in laboratory conditions. The first laboratory at that time, headed by W. Wundt, began working in this direction. As the main task of psychology, Wundt put forward the decomposition of the processes of consciousness into fundamental elements and the study of natural connections between them. That is why the emergence of a radically different approach to the study of people, developed by the young Viennese doctor Sigmund Freud, had a stunning effect. Instead of placing consciousness at the center of human mental life, Freud compared it to an iceberg, an insignificant part of which protrudes above the surface of the water. In contrast to the prevailing view of man in the 19th century as a rational being and conscious of his behavior, he put forward a different theory: people are in a state of constant conflict, the origins of which lie in another, more extensive sphere of mental life - in unconscious motives.

Why does S. Freud’s theory of personality not lose relevance in our time?

Among twentieth-century psychologists, Dr. Sigmund Freud holds a special place. Since his first work, The Interpretation of Dreams, was published in 1900, various scientific authorities have risen in psychology, replacing each other. But none of them today arouses such undying interest as Freud, as his theory. This is explained by the fact that his works, which changed the face of psychology in the twentieth century, illuminated the fundamental issues of the structure of the inner world of the individual. Not limiting himself to studying and treating neuropaths and working hard to restore their mental health, Freud created a theory that explained the experiences and behavior of not only sick people, but also healthy people. This theory has gained such great popularity in Western countries that many there today are convinced that “psychology is Freud.” Freudian theory in many foreign countries has become firmly established in textbooks not only on psychology, psychotherapy, and psychiatry; it also influenced other human sciences - sociology, pedagogy, anthropology, ethnography, as well as art and literature.

Freud was one of the first to present the human psyche as an eternal confrontation between the irreconcilable forces of instinct, reason and consciousness. His psychoanalytic theory exemplifies the psychodynamic approach. The concept of dynamics in his theory implies that human behavior is completely determined, and unconscious mental processes are of great importance in regulating human behavior. His theory is the first developed theory of personality.

It is difficult to evaluate modern theories of personality without giving due recognition to Freud's theory. Regardless of whether we accept or reject some (or all) of his ideas, it is impossible to dispute the fact that Freud's influence on Western civilization was deep and lasting. It can be argued that in all of human history, very few ideas have had such a widespread and powerful impact. This is, of course, a strong statement, but it is difficult to imagine that Freud will have many competitors. His view of human nature dealt a tangible blow to the prevailing ideas of Victorian society at that time; he offered a difficult but compelling path to understanding aspects of human mental life that were considered dark, hidden and seemingly inaccessible.

The main goal of this work is to study the main provisions of S. Freud’s theory of personality. To achieve this goal, the following tasks must be completed:

Study the basic concepts, principles, and prerequisites for the emergence of psychoanalysis as the basis of personality theory;

Consider the main stages of personality development;

Give an idea of ​​the topographic model of the levels of the psyche;

Give an idea of ​​the structural model of personality, characterizing the main elements and the relationship between them;

Consider protective mental mechanisms as a means of mitigating and suppressing conflicts that constantly arise between personality levels.

This work consists of two chapters. The first chapter presents the prerequisites for the emergence of psychoanalysis, its basic concepts and principles, and also offers a brief biography of the founder of psychoanalytic teaching, Sigmund Freud. The second chapter outlines the main provisions of the psychodynamic theory of personality.

1. Psychoanalysis as the basis of Freud’s theory of personality

1.1 Prerequisites for the emergence of psychoanalysis. Sigmund Freud

In 1895, the head of the department of nervous diseases at the University of Vienna, Sigmund Freud, while working on the “Project for a Program of Scientific Psychology,” came to the need to theoretically comprehend his experience as a neurologist, who did not fit into the framework of the traditional interpretation of consciousness. Freud's psychoanalysis has influenced, either explicitly or implicitly, almost all modern psychological theories.

Orthodox psychoanalysis was founded by Sigmund Freud at the turn of the 19th and 20th centuries, i.e. precisely during the period of breaking down the traditional ideas about the psyche and mental processes of that time. The dominant methodological principle in psychology and medicine reflected the localizationist approach of von Virchow, i.e. search for a specific “gender” corresponding to any painful phenomenon.

The emergence of new trends in psychology, sociology and philosophy exposed the narrow, primitive interpretation of the cause-and-effect relationships of the localizationist approach. The problem of unconscious (unconscious) mental processes is becoming the subject of close attention of researchers in various specialties.

I. Kant spoke about the unconscious in the human psyche, describing the “vague” ideas that the mind tries to master, since it is not able to “get rid of those absurdities to which the influence of these ideas leads it...”. Hegel considers the unconscious hiding place, in which “a world of infinitely many images and ideas is preserved without their presence in consciousness.” A. Schopenhauer goes a little further, formulating the conclusion about the primacy of the unconscious over consciousness in his work “The World as Will and Representation.” F. Nietzsche is already trying to fill the unconscious with certain plot mechanisms, such as the “unconscious will to power.” By the end of the 19th century, not only philosophers, but also representatives of the experimental trend in science were dealing with the problem of the unconscious. In 1868, the English physiologist Carpenter gave a message on the unconscious human brain activity. This report, heard at the Royal Institution of London, caused a lively discussion. In 1886, Myers expressed the idea of ​​the existence of a “subcortical consciousness” that functions in many acts of human life. These facts served as the objective background for the creation of the famous psychoanalytic theory by S. Freud.

Sigmund Freud was born on May 6, 1856 in the city of Freiburg (former Moravia), part of Astro-Hungary (now the Czech Republic). He grew up in a middle-income bourgeois family. In his autobiography (1925) he wrote: “My parents were Jews, and I remained a Jew.” In 1873 he entered the medical faculty of the University of Vienna, where he showed interest in such sciences as comparative anatomy, histology, and physiology. S. Freud, as a student, under the guidance of Brücke, carried out a number of completely independent studies in the listed disciplines. Since 1882 he has worked as a doctor in the department of internal medicine of the Vienna General Clinic, then in a psychiatric clinic under the leadership of Meynert.

In 1885, Freud left for a year-long internship with Charcot at the Salpêtrière clinic (Paris). There he mastered the method of hypnotherapy. Upon his return, he attended a course of lectures on psychology by the philosopher Franz Brentano, after which he noted the emergence of interest in the mental life of man and his laws. Before this, together with Karl Kohler, he discovered the local anesthetic effect of cocaine. Begins to study the pathogenesis of hysteria, publishes the first clinical articles, works with Breuer, mainly using hypnotherapy. At the same time, he continues research of a purely neurological nature (problems of infantile paralysis, aphasia, localization of brain functions).

By 1895, together with Breuer, S. Freud developed the method of hypnocatharsis. After a number of clinical publications, in 1895 he wrote the monograph “Project”, in which he made the first attempt to speculatively develop patterns of human brain activity.

In 1886 he married Martha Bernay. By 1901 (the year of publication of the monograph “The Interpretation of Dreams”) he completely abandoned the method of hypnosis and developed an original method of free association. In 1904–1905 he published “The Psychopathology of Everyday Life”, “Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious”, “Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality” and other famous monographs. By the time of World War I, S. Freud focused on developing the philosophical and historical-sociological aspects of society, i.e. begins to create a “metapsychological” theory. In 1908, the First International Psychoanalytic Congress was held in the city of Salzburg. In 1909, the first international psychoanalytic journal was published. In 1909, together with K. Jung, he visited the United States, gave a course of lectures at the University of Massachusetts, and upon completion of the course received an honorary doctorate of law. In 1910, the International Psychoanalytic Association was created. In 1920, the first psychoanalytic institute opened in Berlin. In 1930, S. Freud received the International Prize named after. Goethe. In 1936 he became an honorary foreign member of the Royal Scientific Society of England. In 1939, he published his last major work, “Moses and Monotheism,” in which he continued to develop his cultural and historical concepts.

No one plans to get into a dependent relationship voluntarily. It’s unlikely that since childhood you wanted to become fixated on someone, abandon all your interests, suffer and wait for everything to change. But life works differently.

Love for a married man has always been shameful, condemned by society, and a taboo was placed on relationships with someone’s husband. That's how we were raised. If you fall in love with a married man, you are a homewrecker, a destroyer of the social unit. But it happened: you are a mistress.

Stop reproaching yourself, look at modern realities, which are not customary to discuss with colleagues over lunch, so as not to cause another portion of condemnation.

The vast majority of young families are formed according to the following scenario: they met at 20, got married six months or a year later, gave birth to a child at 22, couldn’t cope with adult life at 23 and played enough. Feelings and love pass, but the family remains due to habit, fears and obligations. A man takes a mistress, his wife either endures it, losing herself in worries, or also starts a new relationship - on the side. This may take years.

Is a relationship with a married man doomed or is there a chance?

You fell in love with a married man. The main thing is to stop blaming yourself and putting an end to your future happy life. If a married man is in love with you, is there anyone to blame? Try to figure out why he appeared in your life. It is possible that its appearance was not accidental.

Ask yourself 4 questions

Why did I end up in this connection?

You know that being a mistress is bad, but every day you firmly connect yourself with a married man. What motivates you? Are you ready to “fight for it” and build a future together or do you want to live in the moment? Respond by looking at things unemotionally.

What do I get in this relationship, and what do I give to my partner?

You are free individuals who feel good together or the relationship is built on a dependency or passion unknown to both of you, perhaps there is material interest or other benefits.

Did I consciously choose this type of relationship?

Were you scared off by the future man's presence of a wife, or was it easier for you to associate yourself with a married man, so as not to be responsible for a serious relationship?

Can a relationship with a married man make me happy in the future?

How do you see the development of this relationship, do they have a future, or do you understand that when the passion subsides, it will be difficult for you to accept his life with two families?

The only funny jokes about dating a married man are in jokes. In fact, being a mistress means constantly having an internal struggle and thinking that the man you love has a wife, that the relationship is doomed from the start, and still going on secret dates with him, attacking your own self-esteem.

From a psychological point of view, women who choose a relationship with a married man over and over again have internal problems. At a minimum, because entering into a relationship with a married partner means recognizing your “second role”, being prepared to be hidden and asked not to write, not to call, not to wear perfume.

Depending on your relationship with a married man, you begin to justify him, look for solutions for him, believe that for your sake he will leave the family. But why does he need this if the only suffering party here is you, not him?

To be the mistress of a married man means to take on the role of a strong woman, not burdened with problems.

You can increase your self-esteem by realizing that you are better than others: “After all, he runs to me, and she sits at home and doesn’t know anything, which means I’m more worthy.”. But the paradox is that after every date a man hurries home to the one who is waiting at home. And when he leaves, the sense of self-worth instantly fades away. Are you really happy with this?

Do married men get divorced for their mistresses? Stop fooling yourself. Living someone else's life or being a detail in someone else's relationship means wasting your own time. Will a self-sufficient, self-respecting woman really agree to a supporting role, be ready to hide and not appear in those moments when her married partner is with his wife? Listen to yourself, what do you think?

Relationships with a married man: commentary from a psychologist

When you start dating a married man, at first you feel at ease, feel increased attention and please your self-esteem by the fact that he prefers you to his wife, he has fun with you and he is deceiving her, not you. But time passes, and it becomes more difficult for you to share him with his legal wife, from whom for some reason he still does not intend to leave.

Then falling in love risks developing into addiction, driven by jealousy, selfishness, the desire to get your way, the desire to prove that you are better than your wife. By becoming dependent on a relationship with a married man, you inevitably find yourself in a scenario of abandoning yourself, focusing all your interests only on your partner, and looking for meetings with him in any way.

When strengthening ties with a married man, the following appear:

• decreased self-esteem: all the energy goes into trying to meet, call, see each other, “fit” him into your space. You see yourself as a “backup option.”
• internal dissonance: oscillation between “love” and “hate”. Quarrels become more frequent because he leaves the family.
• intense jealousy. If a partner cheats on his wife, then who knows if he is cheating on you too?
• loss of interest in life, work, meetings with friends, internal destruction of personality.
• justifying yourself.

Even if you voluntarily entered into an affair with a married man, knowing that he will not leave the family, you gradually still begin to claim the No. 1 place in his life.

This is how female psychology works

First, you prove to yourself that everything suits you: “I don’t need a wedding, I just want to be near you and love you,” then you gently and unobtrusively voice what you want, and as a result, tears, depression and demands to leave your wife begin.

And if you manage to convince a man to leave his wife, will you be satisfied? Is there room for new suspicions ( “If he cheated on me, he will cheat on me too”), mistrust ( “Dating secretly or wants to return to his ex-wife”), past grievances ( “I was with her for so long and didn’t divorce her right away”)? So, out of the desire for romantic love and a full-fledged family, you drive yourself into dependence on experiences, reducing the relationship to “no”.

Of course, it happens differently. When you are in a relationship with a married man, devoting time to him, you are following your own choice. And, if you really want there to be a sequel, bother doing 2 things:

1. take off your rose-colored glasses.

   “He is ready to do anything for me,” he just can’t leave the family right now,” “He has a difficult situation, I’m ready to wait, because we love each other”;

2. take time for yourself.

   Your development, expansion of your sphere of interests, awareness of yourself as an individual, and not as an attachment to a partner. Don’t immerse yourself in his interests, don’t live his life, and especially don’t try to solve his problems.

Have you decided to take a married man away from your family?

Why doesn't a married man leave his family for his mistress? Because he created an ideal model of life: he saved his family, thereby protecting himself from the attacks of society and the loss of a loved one, avoided material difficulties and at the same time leads a parallel life, where he receives care and warmth, fresh emotions and the realization of his own goals.

At the same time, he can experience emotions for his mistress many times stronger than for his wife. Driven by passion and love, he promises her (sometimes even sincerely) that love is enormous, “a little later” he will leave the family for her, and “those golden mountains in the distance are yours.”

What's happening in reality?

More often than not, nothing. Everything is locked at the level of promises, relationships stall at this phase and, without developing (and relationships without development are doomed), they move into the phase of disappointed expectations and accusations and later end.

If you are determined to become a legal wife from a mistress and take your husband away from your current wife, you have a chance. But not in the case when you voluntarily agreed to a “supporting” role for years and suddenly decided to become the main one in his life. No matter how well he treats you, no matter how pleasant your meetings are, he is comfortable with you as a mistress, and he will not radically change his life for your sake. The psychology of a married man’s relationship with his mistress is based on his stability, and changes contradict it.

If you still dare to take a man away from your family

There are chances to take a married man away from the family, even if they are small. Often a mistress appears in men whose family life has not pleased them for a long time. And love on the side is a way to get pleasant emotions without ending the relationship with your spouse, since drastic changes are too scary.

By acting carefully and slowly, you can influence a man, proving to him that living together with you will save him from existing problems, and will not add new ones.

Direct demands, quarrels and reminders of his promises will not lead to divorce, but they will show that relationships with you in the future will involve problems, scandals and nerves.

How to behave with a married man so that you have a future? The psychology of a relationship with him is not very different from the behavior with a free partner, if your plans are to build strong, trusting relationships.

Respect his decisions, give him the choice and the right to act as he sees fit, do not put pressure on him and do not impose your opinion - it is useless.

How to change from a mistress to a wife: a comment from a psychologist

Set a goal - not to impose yourself, but to make him want to be with you. Focus on yourself, not on him, his family or your relationship. We are talking about expanding personal space, about your own plans, about development in directions that do not concern your relationship. By doing something to “build up” your personality, working on the psychological restoration of a true attitude towards yourself, and cultivating healthy egoism, you will restore the balance between personal space and relationships. An internally free person is always more attractive than someone who focuses all his interests on one person, all the more limiting him and negatively influencing his life.

Don't judge his wife

Even if he speaks negatively about her. She is his choice. By showing that you value your partner's opinion, you influence the subconscious, he feels like a recognized leader, and this radically influences further decisions.

Just ask yourself, are you ready to build further relationships according to such a scenario, to adapt and drown out even your own feelings for the sake of it? It is possible to take a man away from the family. But are you really ready to compete with another girl and waste your energy on destroying your family? Psychologically, will it be easy for you to accept him and not allow the thought that he will find a mistress for himself while he is already your husband? Achieving a goal is a normal desire. But how correctly did you set this goal?

Pregnancy from a married man

Some girls do not want to look at the situation realistically, and having become heavily involved in a dependent relationship with a married man, they decide that the best way to win him over to their side and force him to leave the family is to get pregnant. Various tricks are used, including deception.

However, before considering the latest ways to take a man away from your family, calm down, weigh everything that is really happening in your situation: his relationship with his family, with his children, with you, take a realistic look at your life together. You are his mistress, and it is unlikely that his mistress’s pregnancy will be a significant reason for leaving the family (especially if he already has children).

Pregnancy from a married man in most cases will only bring problems. Moreover, both for you and for him.

What do you want to prove to yourself, him or his wife by getting pregnant? How will your self-esteem grow if you are ready to take such drastic measures? Think about a child who will initially be a partner's attachment tool. And about his children, whom you think he will leave.

If the pregnancy is unplanned

He promised mountains of gold, you lived happily for a year or two or three and were happy with the meetings, sometimes he said that he would definitely leave the family for you, but there was no right time. When he heard the news about your pregnancy, he said that he loved you as before, and... gave money for an abortion. How to cope with a situation when a pregnancy from a married man turns bad?

You don’t want this, you consider the child the fruit of your happiness, and you cannot believe that he acted so treacherously. You try to analyze and come to the conclusion that “yes, now is really not the time, besides, he loves me and speaks about it directly.”

Understand that it is up to you to decide about the fate of the child. When you started dating, were you happy with everything? Start from this. He will not leave his wife, will not become your legal husband, and, at best, will support you financially. Are you ready for such a life? Do you agree to raise a child in a single-parent family?

Just stop flattering yourself with the hope that with the advent of a child everything will change. It will change, yes, but it won’t make it easier, that’s for sure. After all, many women raise children without men.

If a child is valuable to you, then you should only be glad that it is from the man you love, even if this love differs from its standard understanding.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that your child is more important to a man than his existing children. Don't think that once you give birth, you can manipulate him. The good thing about a married man’s mistress is that with her it’s easy to take a break from family problems, get distracted and then return home. If she creates difficulties (and a pregnant mistress is a big difficulty for a married man), then the very meaning of a relationship with her is lost.

Do you want this child?

Are you ready to give birth to him for yourself, without associating the birth with your married partner? If yes, have no doubt, you will hold out, survive this difficult period of torment and draw conclusions. It is possible that your priorities, goals, and, possibly, your man will change.

Should a married man give birth: a comment from a psychologist

It is important to clearly understand that a child is not a way to tie a man to you, that his decent fatherhood in a legitimate family does not mean that he will treat your child with the same reverence. Whether to give birth to a married man is only your choice; here you cannot hide behind your partner’s excuses and the thirst for mythical happiness. Giving birth to a man while remaining his mistress is a psychologically difficult task. If you perceived your partner as a patron, afraid of your own responsibility, then now you will have to grow up and be responsible not only for your life, but also for the life of another person.

Don't paint a picture in your head where it's just you, him and your child. When you realize that there is another family in this picture of the world, you can make the right decision and avoid emotional breakdowns, depression and neuroses.

How to end a relationship with a married lover

If:

• It is psychologically difficult for you to continue a relationship with a person who does not plan to leave the family, despite all the assurances.
• Or you finally realized that your relationship with a man ended emotionally a long time ago, but for some reason you are holding on to it.
• You don’t have enough strength to break off a dependent relationship; you are ready to be content with the illusion that you are loved, just so as not to be left alone.
• You understand that the relationship is futile, but you become more and more attached to your partner, clinging to rare moments when everything is fine.

The time has come to part!

The main problem of girls who decide to end their relationship with a man is that they want to prove something by leaving: “Let him feel that he cannot live without me”, “I’ll leave, he’ll come to his senses and bring me back,” “He’ll understand that it’s better to be with me, and he’ll leave the family.”. Understand that your care should not be directed at your partner, but at you. If you made a conscious, informed decision to leave, then you did it because the current course of things no longer suits you. By returning your partner after a breakup, you will only prolong this nervous period.

Understanding what you get and what you lose in a relationship will make it easier for you to make a decision. “They give me emotions, love and care” is not the answer you should give yourself, it will only keep you stuck in a dependent relationship.

Time to question yourself

The feeling that someone needs you is not a reason to continue the relationship. Evaluate all the disadvantages without making excuses or trying to prove to yourself that you are satisfied with everything.

• Are you okay with being hidden?
• Are you happy that your future is vague or completely unrealistic?
• That you will never go on vacation together or plan a weekend together without taking a third person into account?
• That the man you love is in a serious relationship with another woman, even if he says he doesn’t love her?

He is a married man, his established life consists of frameworks and rules, and he will not change it, even if it does not completely satisfy him. It’s easier for him to have a new mistress without complaints.

If you decide to break up with the man you love, it means that you are tired of justifying yourself and him without receiving anything in return.

Being the mistress of a family man is a dead end. Continuing a painful relationship is also a dead end. It may be longer or shorter, but it will not lead you to a happy future. Eventually, you will come to the questions: “Why did you need all this?” and “How to live further?”

It is difficult to stop loving a married man because you are accustomed to an emotional, mysterious dependence on him. But dig deeper. Remember your feelings when after meetings he went to his family or when his wife called him. Did you feel better than her at that moment? If he didn't value her, would he hide you? By recognizing the actual emotions that you received in the relationship, you can set yourself up to stop depending on a married man.

Understand also that the connection with him may drag on for years, but there will be no development. You will get used to the role of a mistress, you will take it for granted, but is this how you want to see your life? He will not leave the family for you, realize this. And even if you decide to accept it this way, how ready will you be for such a model of life? Look at it from all sides: from yours, from his, from friends and parents, from colleagues. Are you ready?

Match promises and reality

Healthy relationships are built according to the scheme: “personal interests of the first partner + personal interests of the second partner + common interests of the couple.” What common interests will arise over time, what goals will unite you if your main goal is to hide the relationship and be together in secret?

Getting out of a relationship with a married man is difficult, just like leaving any other dependent relationship, primarily because of your own fears and doubts. You make an attempt to leave, but fall into a series of worries, looking for ways to ease your morale, but it seems to you that only he, the culprit of your problems, will help. And everything begins in a new way, with a heap of old grievances and misunderstandings and a new round of problems.

Open your eyes

Compare your dreams and hopes with reality. You want to be with the man you love, receive care from him, you want the development of a relationship and, later, a family. The partner promises that it will be so, that living together with his wife is a temporary obstacle, he has not loved her for a long time and there has been no sexual contact with her for a long time. You wait and believe because you rightly believe that relationships cannot be built without trust.

Now look at reality. Are you getting, albeit gradually, what you are striving for? Is he committed to your life together? If you are wondering how to break up with a married man, apparently, reality and dreams still differ.

How to break up with a married man: commentary from a psychologist

Remember: no conflicts, external factors, or other people will pull you out of a protracted relationship. Only an inner attitude and working on your own goals and understanding their feasibility will help you get out of an addictive relationship with a married partner. Perhaps you are driven by fears or do not want to take responsibility, but only internal changes can improve your life.

Break up your breakup with a married man into 3 stages:

1. Talk

   A maximally honest conversation with direct questions about the future of your relationship will eliminate illusions. Set deadlines and specific actions. The goal is not to hear once again that everything will work out, but to determine your personal attitude to what was said and what is actually happening. If you see an opportunity to continue the relationship “in a new capacity,” take this chance, but determine why you are continuing and what exactly you want to achieve, and within what time frame you need to achieve it. If there is no opportunity, and all that remains is the promise of mountains of gold, break up.

2. Understanding.

   Relate what you hear to your vision of the future. Imagine yourself in this relationship 5 years later. You’re not getting any younger, you can’t turn back time, but you don’t want to let it go. If you understand that you will break up anyway, why are you delaying this moment for the rare calm of “now”? Remember past relationships, problems: you painfully let go of most of them at one time, and today it’s easy for you to remember them. Why do you consciously go through suffering and drag the burden of your current hopeless relationships into the future?

3. Shifting focus from relationships to yourself.

   If it’s hard for you to give up your partner overnight, use “switching” techniques. Continue communication with your married partner without directing efforts to get rid of the role of mistress. But gradually look for new activities, interests, set personal goals outside of relationships, even if they are to the detriment of them. Especially if they cause damage! By complementing your personality, you inevitably leave the space of dependence on relationships and become not part of them, not part of your partner, but an independent person.

   At this stage, it is important to accept your feelings (love, selfishness, painful addiction - it doesn’t matter), but consciously begin to focus not on them (or how to get rid of them), but on something from a completely different plane. Over time, the psychological tension arising from constant twisting of the situation in the head will weaken.

Be honest with yourself and your partner. Your task is not to prove to him your strength, independence or superiority, but to achieve your own peace of mind. When you are ready, talk to him, tell him that you are ending this relationship not in a fit of emotion, not because he is guilty of something. The reason is the lack of a future together and your justified desire for stable happiness. Ask not to keep you because you want to build a full-fledged family in the future and think that you deserve it.

“I understand everything, but...”

If you (consciously or not) became the mistress of a married man, start by asking yourself why this happened. And then decide what you want to achieve. If you feel that you need help, talk to a psychologist: working together with him will help you better understand the situation and find a comfortable way to resolve it.

All article topics -

At a young age, almost all girls dream of marriage with an ideal, loving and beloved man. However, having matured, we understand that life circumstances make adjustments to our plans and dreams, and it is possible that the long-awaited and only person is already legally married. Whether to agree to the role of a married man’s mistress or not is everyone’s personal choice. However, when building your romance with a non-free person, it is important to understand that these relationships are a little different from those that our imagination depicts. To understand what men are looking for in an affair, psychologists conducted a massive survey and identified 10 signs of an ideal lover for a married man.

So, let's try to understand who she is - the ideal lover according to men?

1. She looks good

Many men begin to cheat on their wives due to dissatisfaction with their appearance. This is not surprising, because, unfortunately, women age earlier than men. However, men want to see a living embodiment of their dreams in their mistresses. Regardless of natural appearance, a mistress should always look well-groomed, stylish and attractive.

2. She should be funny

Over the years of family life, spouses plunge headlong into everyday life, raising children and caring for material well-being, while losing that aura of romance, lightness and fun that connected them at the beginning of the relationship. It is the lack of this link that often becomes the reason why men decide to have a relationship with their mistress. Accordingly, in their chosen one they want to see not a woman tired of life, but a light muse, in whose arms they can forget about everyday worries.

3. She treats him like a hero.

Rarely do spouses manage to live their lives without quarrels, conflicts and reproaches towards each other. Having lived together for several years, the wife, like no one else, knows all the weaknesses and shortcomings of her husband, while in the eyes of his mistress, the man becomes a hero and an ideal partner. It is this attitude, filled with romance, admiration and respect, that keeps married men near their mistresses.

4. She is self-sufficient and confident

According to men, the ideal lover is a woman who loves and respects herself. In addition to her relationship with an unfree person, she has her own life, filled with various events, achievements and adventures. She does not put romance above all else, devoting a lot of time to her development and her hobbies.

5. She doesn’t reproach or cause scandals.

In relationships on the side, men are looking for a holiday, lightness and an opportunity to take a break from everyday worries. To maintain such a romance, you should not make any demands on your partner. And even more so, there is no need to reproach him for lack of attention, since these reproaches will make him feel guilty, and very soon the man will get tired of being torn between his family and his mistress.

6. She doesn't claim his freedom.

When starting a relationship with a married man, a woman must initially understand that she cannot lay claim to his entire life. This man has a family and the daily responsibilities associated with it, but when he meets his mistress, he wants to forget about them. Therefore, any questions related to his family life, as well as plans for the future, will cause him unpleasant emotions.

7. She doesn't pretend to have a future together.

Perhaps, in reality, everything is somewhat different and the mistress secretly hopes that sooner or later her partner will divorce his unloved wife and stay with her, but such thoughts should under no circumstances be demonstrated to a married man. A good lover should conduct a conversation without touching on plans for the future, and also avoid talking about his family life.

8. She doesn't die for love

Of course, every man dreams of becoming the object of fiery and sincere love. However, young ladies who are too much in love, ready to do anything for the sake of their loved one, are hardly suitable for the role of mistresses. The fact is that excessive love on the part of the mistress will place a burden of responsibility on the man, which he probably will not want to bear. Relationships of this format should be built on common sense. It is very good when both partners understand that their romance is based on mutual sympathy in the present, and its development in the future is not a mandatory goal.

9. She is outspoken and unpredictable

Another common reason why men have mistresses is dissatisfaction in bed. Not all women are ready to experiment and bring their deepest fantasies into reality. However, excessive modesty is excusable for a wife, but not for a mistress. The lady of the heart should bring a man a holiday, surprising and striking the imagination.

10. She acts like his wife doesn't exist.

Talking about family life, and especially about a married man's spouse, should become taboo in a relationship. A good mistress needs to try to forget that her chosen one has a legal wife. You can build relationships on passion, mutual hobbies and liking for each other, while dissolving in momentary happiness and not looking into the future. And, of course, the ideal lover will never give her partner an ultimatum - either me or her.

Married men want their romance to resemble a game with clearly established rules and laws, which develops in parallel with their family life and does not interfere with everyday life. But this game should bring joy to both players, so relationships of this format should last as long as they suit the partners. In addition, even at the beginning of the novel, you need to accustom yourself to the idea that such relationships very rarely have prospects and the opportunity to develop into something more than ordinary intrigue. And even if an affair with a married man develops, this development will not be easy and painless.

Love will come unexpectedly... A line from a famous song is rarely true - after all, a person is secretly looking for love if this place is not occupied in his soul. So “accidentally” and “coming up” happens extremely rarely. And even more so, the option “mistress of a married man” does not happen by accident. After all, the fact that a man is married, as a rule, is known in advance and the fact that you find yourself in this ambiguous position is also your deliberate step.

This article will talk about the love of an unmarried woman and a married man. Namely: the mistress of a married man - how does this condition arise and is it worth getting involved in this love.

Let me make a reservation right away that the article is intended for young, inexperienced girls. Since older women already know all of the following.

There is a recognized fact: a married lover, if he does not hide his marital condition, relieves himself of all responsibility for your relationship. After all, you know in advance that he is not free, then why dream of a family? Since you agreed to date him, it means you agree to share him with your wife. At least this is the standard course of male thought. And this is the main reason -

Why you shouldn't become the mistress of a married man

I will list other reasons briefly:

• An affair with a single person and with a married partner cannot be compared. A family man cannot fully manage his time. Meetings take place in fits and starts and only when HE has time free from work and family.
• You are doomed to constantly search for a free apartment if you don’t have your own. And if there is, then you must live in it alone. After all, we need to meet somewhere.
• Lonely weekends and holidays. Family responsibilities must be completed on weekends, and holidays are spent with the family.
• Congratulations on March 7 and December 30 (at least on the evening of the 31st). No comments.
• Your boyfriend's jealousy of any male younger than him or of the same age. Although he is not a husband, he asserts his rights as an owner immediately from the first dates. But there are options here.

In addition, the possibility of failure is very possible - you will not be able to take him away from the family and marry you. Statistics allocate only 8% of the total number of “loves on the side” to the successful outcome of the relationship for the mistress.

Note. Let me note right away that the option of simply having a good time as a married man’s mistress for your own and his pleasure is not considered on the pages of this blog. The section in which you are reading this article is called “How to Get Married.”

Three options for a married man's mistress

An affair with a married man mainly develops in three ways:

1. You have mutual love, but he is ALREADY married. Fate brought you together too late.
2. You love him, he seems to do the same... But he’s not going to get a divorce - the children are holding him, his wife won’t let go/she’s sick, and any other suitable excuse.
3. in simple terms: searching for a suitable option. You are hunting for a man who is already fully “equipped”: business, house, car, vacation abroad and other advantages of a rich husband. Wife and children are perceived as an annoying nuisance.

Each of the options has nuances and shades, so it will be discussed in a separate article. But I will note one common feature of the relationship between a mistress and a married man: regardless of the result (whether the wedding took place or not), after a long struggle for your loved one (there is no other way), you will feel complete devastation in your soul.

And also about the mistress of a married man...

Relationships even with a partner free from family obligations require considerable mental strength. And building a life with a burden of family is even more difficult. There is little joy when, after tossing between duty and love, between children and you, a man chooses life with you. Love will cost him too much and you will always feel it.

The exhausting struggle for your place in his life, the fear that a return to your old family is possible at any moment, the fear that you won’t be able to take him away from the family and as a result you will be left alone - all this results in the ruin of your own soul. Think about it, is love supposed to give these feelings? Think carefully before accepting the role of a married man's mistress.

Save so you don't lose!