The biggest misconception about profanity is this: an intelligent person does not swear. By no means! An intelligent person needs a mat much more than, say, a drunkard. Jargon will not help the drunk to say anything new - in his case, it serves to convey the simplest single-celled emotions. An intelligent person resorts to obscene vocabulary at those critical moments when all his dictionaries have come to an end. With the help of a mat, he conveys the most complex substances on the verge of naming.

For me, the question of the urgent need for a swear word for the intelligentsia was finally closed many years ago, after a story told to me by a friend.



In a secondary Soviet school, this friend was known as a complete "nerd". Not only did he read books outside the school curriculum, visited museums and wore glasses. In addition, he studied at a music school in the violin class. "With a violin in the yard" is a challenge that is tantamount to "no panties in the philharmonic." If a friend were all covered with scabs, even then they would shy away from him less. He had only one friend - the same “play yasha play” from the Pokrovsky gate and write from a parallel class who studied at the same piano music school. Once my violinist friend was returning home with his pianist friend after a reporting concert at a music school . Their path lay through the hostile prairies of bloodthirsty Indians - courtyards of five-story buildings. Here and there, like seeds, punks were scattered. According to my violinist friend, that evening they would have managed to slip through without loss, if not for the jabot. Both were wearing concert suits with snow-white jabots. “With a frill in the yard” is a challenge that cannot be found in a parallel world, because what could be worse than “without panties in a philharmonic society”? But it was much worse. As a violinist friend noted, the punks were so outraged that they immediately began to beat them.




They did without preludes, without all these “whose will you be”, “who do you know” and “give me a light.” Comrades were saved by music. Not that they contrived to put on an impromptu concert for the birders and soften their hearts. Just a couple of times the violinist managed to successfully hit someone on the head with a case with a violin, with which he brushed off the attackers, and the pack receded. And then the classic “yes, what is it being done” arrived from the grandmothers on the bench, in the nearest house there was a stronghold, on the threshold of which the district police officer came out and began to scratch his belly menacingly - in a word, the guys managed to slip away. Having run to a safe distance, they looked around and realized that they were pretty beat up. The pianist invited the violinist to go to his house to wash and clean himself up. The violinist agreed - he had strict parents, and if he appeared on the threshold in the current edition, they would gladly complete what the punks started. “And who is at home with you?” - the violinist suddenly realized, - "will they not scold us?". "Don't worry, I only have a granny," the pianist replied. "Granny" is an eternal synonym for forgiveness and the pole of goodness, as opposed to the parental empire of evil, so the violinist confidently walked into the future. He confidently walked into the future and, gaining incredible courage after the fact, like any intellectual after a fight, thought about the advantage of the piano over the violin in battle. Now, if he had a piano with him, and not a stunted violin, wow, then he would have beaten the hooligans' fingers with a lid. On the way, the pianist told the violinist about his grandmother.




About the fact that she is a translator by profession, knows many languages, subscribes to a "novel-newspaper" and was familiar with Neuhaus. Telling me this story, my friend emphasized separately in this place that it was precisely such a strange vinaigrette about his relative that his companion gave him that day. After this description, the violinist formed a clear image of a granny in the form of a shy lap dog with large glasses. The door was opened to them by a large elderly woman with large hands and large features. Only glasses remained from the lapdog. As my friend noted, his grandmother reminded him of Ranevskaya. Granny immediately led the two of them out of the dark corridor into the living room, where a giant chandelier was burning under a red lampshade. There she began to inspect them, smacking her lips and clattering her tongue without the least bit of ceremony. According to a friend, they had something to see. Hair in tangles, concert costumes in tatters, buttons with torn threads. Jabots were especially affected - all black and shabby. As if their owners fell several times each into the orchestra pit under the drums. The pianist generally had it sticking out of his pocket, beaten off in an unequal battle with the future milling machine operator. Grandma fussed around them, her glasses flashing suspiciously and without saying a word, which made the violinist worried. By this time, his own grandmother would have had to be brought back three times from a swoon with ammonia. Suddenly, the granny said in a low male voice, referring to her pianist grandson: - Well, my dear, this is fucked up.




The pianist instantly flushed with thick blush and, squinting guiltily at the violinist, for some reason switched to a loud whisper and asked Grandma: - Grandma, you probably wanted to say “nightmare”? yesterday, when you brought a three in Russian from school. And today it's just bullshit.

Now you can beautifully, and most importantly, subtly poke an opponent in a dispute using one of these expressions.
Only aristocrats and people with a fair sense of humor and imagination can insult so beautifully.
So,

How nice to offend the interlocutor.

Any resemblance between you and the person is purely coincidental!

1. Are you always this stupid, or is today a special occasion?
2. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?


3. I would like to punch you in the teeth, but why should I improve your appearance?
4. At least there is one positive thing about your body. It's not as scary as your face!
5. The brain is not everything. And in your case, it's nothing!
6. Be careful, don't let your brain get into your head!
7. I like you. They say I have terrible taste, but I love you.
8. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
9. If only I had a face like yours. I would sue my parents!
10. Don't be upset. A lot of people don't have talent either!
11. No offense, but do you have a job to spread ignorance?
12. Keep talking, someday you will still be able to say something smart!
13. Do you still love nature despite what it has done to you?
14. I don't think so, maybe you have a brain strain!
15. Fellows like you don't grow on trees, they vacillate there.
16. He has a mechanical mind. This is bad for him, he often forgets to turn his back to the wind.
17. His mind is like a steel trap that always closes when trying to find the answer!
18. You are a man of the earth, bad that is not the best part of it.
19. He thought, this is something new.
20. When it finally gets dark, you will surely look better!
21. Yes, you are just a miracle comedian. If it's funny, it's a miracle!
22. In Who's Who you should be looked for as What Is It?
23. You are living proof that a person can live without brains!
24. He is so short that when it rains, he is always the last to know.
25. Yes, you're just a template for building an idiot.
26. Why are you here? I thought the zoo was closing for the night!
27. How did you get here? Did someone leave the cage open?
28. Do not try to find anything in your head, it is empty.
29. I think you wouldn't want to feel the way you look!
30. Hey! I am human! What do you?
31. I can't talk to you right now, tell me where will you be in 10 years?
32. I don't want you to turn the other cheek, it's just ugly.
33. I don't know who you are, but it would be better if you weren't there, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
34. I don't know what makes you stupid, but it really works.
35. I can drive the monkey out of you, but it will cost you dearly!
36. I can't remember your name and please don't help me with this!
37. I don't even like the people you're trying to copy.
38. I know you were born stupid, but why do you relapse?
39. I know that you made yourself. It's good that you plead guilty!
40. I know you are not as stupid as you look. This is impossible!
41. I saw people like you, but then I had to pay for the ticket!
42. Why are you such a fool today? Although I think this is typical of you.

But just do not overdo it, even using veiled not direct insults you can get in the face))
By using these insults, you take responsibility for your words.

And she began to involuntarily recall various cases from medical practice, when men and women were sexually aroused by any unusual situations that they tried to embody during intimate relationships.

In medical, artistic and even historical literature, one can find descriptions of the most unusual and unexpected inclinations and fantasies that had a strong exciting effect on people.

Here is Napoleon, for example, - what a scale of personality, but he did not like hygiene in intimate relationships. He was especially excited by the pheromones of his beloved Teresa, contained in her sweat and other secretions. This is what he wrote to her in letters: “I am going on a campaign. I expect to arrive in France in 8-10 weeks. Stop washing." :-)

I was especially impressed by the story of one unfortunate woman whose husband was a test pilot. The profession apparently affected the psyche of this pilot (and possibly vice versa - the choice of profession was not accidental): he had sexual arousal with a full erection only in extreme situations.
To do this, he begged his wife, on the eve of intimacy, to go out onto the landing of the entrance and wait for the moment when someone from below would climb the stairs. The beginning of sexual intercourse in such a situation brought the poor fellow to the necessary combat readiness, and then he and his wife quickly hid behind the door of the apartment, where they calmly completed what they had begun.

Another example from my practice was already more pleasant for the wife of an unlucky sexual fantasist who was very aroused by the idea that he was having sex with a prostitute. Therefore, "before" or "after" the sufferer put money under his wife's pillow. At first, such an alignment jarred and offended a woman, but then she quickly got used to it. Subsequently, even when the husband casually forgot about the money and departed from family traditions, it was even upsetting, since she already had views on the dividends expected from sex with her husband.

Well, and perhaps the most common among intellectuals in the Soviet period, there was such a sexual fantasy:
- during intercourse, a refined and sophisticated intelligent man, who in ordinary life situations is shy and cannot even pronounce words denoting natural physiological processes and adjustments, asks his beloved to shout out all sorts of obscene expressions. And the dirtier and more terrible they are, the more they excite, the stronger the desired effect is achieved.

I even remember how one unfortunate, intelligent young woman "wept into my waistcoat" and asked for advice on how to expand her vocabulary: at that time, no one in a decent society openly cursed and did not express himself in the media. And there was no Internet, replete, as it is now, with sophisticated and dirty obscene expressions.

At the beginning of the dashing 90s, I could not understand why our intelligentsia, whose tasks and mission are to preserve and develop the heritage of Russian culture and its main carrier - the Russian language, suddenly hit obscene expressions: obscene language has firmly entered the lexicon of our enlightened elite. It has become the norm of life: swearing in public, writing obscene words in books and magazine articles, and there is no need to talk about the sophistication of foul language on the Internet and even in the cinema.

Our intelligentsia even openly declares that obscene expressions are like a letter of noble origin and deep intellectual roots.
Therefore, "petty-bourgeois modesty to say a swear word is not in the department of intelligence" (Tatyana Tolstaya)

And then it dawned on me: this is how their sexual dissatisfaction manifests itself. Under the norms of behavior in the Soviet Union, they asked their sexual partners to swear only during intimacy - otherwise there would be no sexual arousal with a good erection. And as soon as the norms of behavior decreased in the 90s (when the criminal world began to set the tone in our lives), then the domestic intelligentsia immediately began to sublimate their sexual dissatisfaction, not embarrassed to speak dirtyly in front of a respectable public.
They swear and catch two birds with one stone: they position themselves as cool, and at the same time they realize sexual complexes and stimulate themselves for feats.
Numerous studies (even in space with astronauts) have long proved that mat and obscene language contribute to the production of androgens in the body: http://ec-dejavu.ru/m/Mat.html

So the answer to the riddle of why our Russian intellectuals now swear like criminals turned out to be simple: our domestic educated creative elite simply told the whole world about their sexual dissatisfaction and sexual impotence. Her impotence was fully manifested in the realization of her mission - to protect and develop Russian culture.

I very much welcome the government's new initiatives to introduce censorship in the media: how long can our intelligentsia demonstrate their sexual complexes in front of the common people? Let them return to the old traditions, when intellectuals swore obscenities only during intimate relationships to heat up sexual arousal and strengthen their erections. Who is against?

Dear lads, members of the organized criminal group, boys and other criminal public - these conclusions about the correlation of the mat with a weak erection and sexual complexes do not apply to you. The mat in the criminal world has developed for a long time and sexually in the criminal environment no one is sublimated on it and sexually it is not excited.
Your potency is beyond suspicion. Swear further and use the hair dryer, so that you can immediately determine and understand in communication - who is who among us: who is a criminal and who is an intellectual.

P.S. The only problem is that our intellectuals now not only swear, but sometimes with pleasure they imagine themselves to be members of criminal gangs. Even the writer Akunin so ironically and touchingly recently reflected on the topic that he and his friends, writers and publishers, are also organized criminal groups!
http://borisakunin.livejournal.com/73652.html

Oh, how our intelligentsia wants to be a mafia:
mat, dirt, organized crime group, hack - what the fuck .. culture ?!))

Jokes and mate live.

P.S. In Orthodoxy and paganism:

Mat use leads to impotence http://www.medinfo.ru/mednews/2582.html

Math is a satanic prayer.http://kuraev.ru/smf/index.php?topic=449745.0

“If anyone chooses a man of obscenity, and that day his mouth will boil with blood, and it is not fitting for him to kiss the cross or the Gospel by any means. the word thus angers God and His Most Pure Mother, like a swear word. barks, or with a drunkard."

"The Book of Elderhood and the Life of the Fathers" ... presumably belongs to the pen of St. Dionysius of Radonezh. Collection of instructions from the elder to the new-night monk.

Everything you want to say, even dirty, can be expressed decently ...

Once, at the dawn of my journalistic life, politicians were only going to file lawsuits against journalists to protect their honor and reputation, allegedly offended by the media. Then even journalists (some, not me, although, I confess, I had idols among politicians) believed that politicians had this very honor and reputation. And therefore they were looking for a fine line between the truth and supposedly an insult. And everyone was afraid that they would not be able to cope with the “nenki” courts, which already then set an example of amazing flexibility in dealing with laws, generated by the size of the plaintiff’s wallet ...

And so, sitting somehow with a glass of tea in the parliamentary buffet or in a restaurant on the ground floor of the National Hotel (then it was still there and served as a kind of headquarters for the "sharks of the pen"), we decided to concoct some kind of universal justification for the courts who will try to establish whether the journalist had the right to say something insulting to the “wildling” or not. And here's what we got. For example, the politician did not like that he was called what he often really is, that is, a fool. Then there was no doubt: since a politician is suing journalists, it means that he is definitely a fool. At that time, even rare “press titles” and “press titles” did not dare to arrogantly teach their colleagues working “in the field” how to work.

In short, here is an approximate text of the refutation of the politician's accusations of his "stupidity": "I, such and such, an employee of this or that media, take back my words that politician X is a FOOL. I don't have a doctor's certificate stating that HE is a FOOL, so I had no right to say that HE is a FOOL. Now, if I had a certificate that HE IS A FOOL, then I would have the right to write that HE IS A FOOL. And so politician X is NOT a FOOL, because with a certificate in my hands I cannot prove that HE is a FOOL. I apologize for saying that HE is a FOOL without having a firm confirmation that HE is a FOOL. I swear by my mother never to write again that HE IS A FOOL, because he may be a FOOL, but I have no certificate about this - that HE IS A FOOL. And at first glance, sorry again, it is not clear that he is NOT a FOOL ... ”. Well, and further all in the same spirit. Depending on the extent to which the person demanded a refutation, it was necessary to repeat such a “refutation” to that extent.

Then another phrase-dialogue came into use: “Do you know how you differ from a fool? - How? - Nothing. Everything seems to be said as frankly as possible, but there is no direct insult, because you politely answered someone else's question. And, as you know, do not ask - you will not be deceived ...

And now the time has passed. Politicians not only went wild without measure, but, alas, they did not add anything to the development of their IQ (this is how the ability of a “peresic” Ukrainian patriot politician to immediately see the difference between liquid and wet stools is now cleverly defined, for example). Courts have tripled their flexibility and excelled at casuistry if the purse still dictated the content of the verdict.

But the technique of "innocent insults", it turns out, did not stand still. Our mournful work has not been in vain, but has gained smart and modern admirers and successors. Recently, I received such a message on social networks on the Internet under the general title “Learning to be rude intelligently.” It probably came to you too, so I just remind you of it. I have nothing to add or subtract, in principle, nothing.

01. Any resemblance between you and the person is purely coincidental!

02. Are you always this stupid, or is today a special occasion?

03. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

04. I would like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your appearance?

05. There is at least one positive thing about your body. It's not as scary as your face!

06. The brain is not everything. And in your case, it's nothing!

07. Be careful, don't let your brain get into your head!

08. I like you. They say I have terrible taste, but I love you.

09. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like you, I would sue my parents!

11. Do not be upset. A lot of people don't have talent either!

12. Do not be offended, but what is your job to spread ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you will still be able to say something smart!

14. Do you still love nature despite what it has done to you?

15. I don't think so, maybe you have a brain sprain!

16. Fellows like you don't grow on trees, they vacillate there.

17. He has a mechanical mind. This is bad for him, he often forgets to turn his back to the wind.

18. His mind is like a steel trap that always closes when trying to find the answer!

19. You are a man of the earth, it is bad that it is not the best part of it.

20. He thought - this is something new.

21. When it finally gets dark, you will definitely look better!

22. Yes, you are just a miracle comedian. If it's funny, it's a miracle!

23. In Who's Who you should be looked for as What Is It?

24. You are living proof that a person can live without brains!

25. He is so short that when it rains, he is always the last to know about it.

26. Yes, you are just a template for building an idiot.

27. Why are you here? I thought the zoo was closing for the night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave the cage open?

29. Do not try to find anything in your head, it is empty.

30. I think you wouldn't want to feel the way you look!

31. Hello! I am human! What do you?

32. I can't talk to you right now, tell me where will you be in 10 years?

33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek, it's just ugly.

34. I don’t know who you are, but it would be better if you weren’t there, I’m sure everyone will agree with me.

35. I don't know what makes you stupid, but it really works.

36. I can drive a monkey out of you, but it will be very expensive for you!

37. I can't remember your name and please don't help me with this!

38. I don't even like the people you're trying to copy.

39. I know you were born stupid, but why do you relapse?

40. I know that you made yourself. It's good that you plead guilty!

41. I know you are not as stupid as you look. This is impossible!

42. I saw people like you, but then I had to pay for the ticket!

43. Why are you such a fool today? Although I think it's typical of you.

And I also want to offer something that seems to be from a different opera, but just as entertaining. For it is not only allegorical, but also laudatory for one side, and truthful, albeit insulting, for the other. But why is it offensive? It's not Russia that dictates oil prices, but those who, thinking about their innermost and wanting to collapse, hooked her on this "drug" - dependence on prices. And it turned out amazing - the "drag dealer" fell into dependence on the "consumer". And now the "drug dealer" is writhing in convulsions, and the "consumer" is dragging along. Because it depends...

In short, this is what will happen in the world if oil costs:

$200 - all English Premier League clubs are owned by Russian oligarchs;

300 dollars - it was decided to hold the next ten Olympic Games in Sochi (both summer and winter);

$400 - Japan wants to join the Kuril Islands;

500 dollars - Russian obscenity becomes the official language of the UN (at the personal request of the Voronezh boys);

$ 600 - the most popular gift for a first grader - a Mercedes with a personal driver for trips to school;

$700 - the Oscar ceremony is postponed for two days in order to hold a morning performance of the younger group of the Vologda kindergarten No. 3 at the Kodak Theater;

$ 800 - 6th grade students of St. Petersburg school No. 2 chipped in and bought 15 aircraft and 50 tanks for Zambia, in response to this, 6th grade students of school No. 1 bought the same amount for Tanzania. Despite everything, the war game is still the favorite game of children!

1000 dollars - Canada becomes the largest subject of the Russian Federation. Yakutia, in order to regain its lost status, buys Brazil and Australia, and receives Mongolia for change ...

That, in fact, is all. We laugh if someone is funny. If not, we learn allegory. And it will still be funny.

Vladimir SKACHKO (according to the Internet)

Encyclopedia of Red Burda: V

BACHANE (old-forgotten) - a female priestess. Eats in honor of other Roman. god Bacchus. Named by analogy with the minister of other Russian. the god Loch ("pelvis").

JACK - the hero of numerous (36 years old) playing cards. Known for sleeping with their feet together.

YOU, WAVEGUIDES - a popular TV show for the workers of the Black Sea Marine Submarine.

YOU, CARBOHYDRATES - the same for the workers of the Chernomordsk underground coal basin.

YOU, EGGS - the same.

Varan - an animal of the desert, the hero of numerous oriental tales about the Mistress of the Sandy Mountain. The female monitor lizard is called "obca".

YOUR HEALTH - an appeal to the paramedic in the Tsarist Army. (Compare "Your Honor!" - an appeal to an officer.)

Air Force - forces under the influence of which military air masses can move to the prescribed distance according to the order.

Vegetarianism - a system of views on meat, in which you can’t eat meat, but you can be from meat.

BECAUSE - a word that does not make sense. Serves poets in those cases when one more syllable is needed in a line, but it is not enough. (For example: "Tell me, uncle, V. not without reason ...", "V. there were fighting fights ...", etc.)

VIENNA is a city that inexperienced nurses and experienced drug addicts cannot get into.

FAITHFUL - a man who has drunk properly.

LOYALTY TO THE HOMELAND is an oxymoron. In fact, how can you break allegiance to what you have one?

VITICULTURE - a section of fruit growing (along with pineapple and apricot growing).

SCREW - Russian board game in who will quickly wrap a 100 mm long screw into the table.

VISSARION - Stalin's father Joseph V.-cha, Grandfather of all peoples (Grandfather People).

VOVochka - the Great Patriotic War.

WATER is the substance that makes up 70-75 percent of a person. The highest content of V. in the body is at the time of awakening.

DROPSY - a disease. One of a whole class of diseases, such as dugout (partisans were sick with it), tin can (well, in the swamp, of course), morse code (a type of parkinsonism among telegraph operators), stepladder (only horses get sick), oatmeal (only sirs get sick), footcloth (disease feet at the loaders in the port), booze (general disease, epidemic).

MILITARY GEORGIAN - characteristic of a soldier of Georgian nationality. Otherwise, it is simply called "military". The other extreme is "Georgian".

GROW UP is a promise. Means: "I'll take it with me to harvest wheat."

DISTURBANCE (anat.) - transformation into a muscle.

VOLGO-DON - the triumph of Michurin's ideas, a hybrid river.

DRAGGER - a friend of a FAITHFUL (see) man.

CROW - an affectionate appeal to a girl, wife. Use along with similar "bird", "sparrow", "eagle".

VOROTILA - so they say about a woman who repaid a debt. If V. is not all debt or not yet V., then they say wrong.

EDUCATE (usually - children) - yell at them and make them do everything.

EAST - a common answer to the question: "Wax?"

HERE-HERE (eng. What? What?) - what-what?

VOTOPARAT - a typo.

VRONSKY (English wrong - wrong) - the hero of one of the novels of L. N. Tolstoy, distinguished by incorrect behavior.

IN HIS SPEECH AT THE XXVI CONGRESS OF THE CPSU LEONID ILYICH SAID - see XXVI.

VULCANIZER is the main profession in Kamchatka. As a rule, V. is distinguished.

VYKUSI (from Russian. NAKOS!) - verb. Unspecified f. PUMP PUMP.

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