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Self-esteem or self-confidence, like many other personal qualities, begins to form in childhood. Our parents have a great influence on this quality. If in childhood our parents failed to let us feel their unconditional love, then problems with self-esteem are inevitable.

Every person desperately needs to be accepted and loved for who they are. This is especially significant for the child, because in childhood the foundation is laid for the formation of personality. Very often, parents show their love according to the principle “deserved or not deserved”.

Criteria can be good grades, help around the house, exemplary behavior, etc. As a result, the child develops the belief that love for him depends on how good he is by one measure or another. This belief then carries over into adulthood.

And then already, as adults, people begin to think that they do not deserve love or any benefits, because they do not meet certain criteria. But in fact, these criteria and framework are invented. For example, some girls think that they are not worthy of the love of the guy they like because they are not beautiful enough. Wives allow themselves to be humiliated by their husbands, because they subconsciously think that they do not deserve another treatment.

Low self-esteem can be reflected not only in relationships, but also in other areas of life: career, work, hobbies. Hated work with a meager salary and a dictator-boss is also a sign of its manifestation. A person does not believe in his abilities and is afraid to take a step towards change. He thinks that he is not smart enough, brave enough, independent, etc.

The same thing happens with your favorite activities and hobbies. People do not allow themselves to engage in them, condemn themselves for them, thinking that these activities are empty and worth nothing. Thus, they limit their energy and abilities. After all, a favorite pastime, even the most insignificant at first glance, reflects the abilities inherent in us. And if you develop them, then in the end, you can achieve success and recognition.

The fear of taking responsibility and making any decisions related to change is based solely on disbelief in yourself and your strengths. And this unbelief originates in a number of circumstances that took place in our lives earlier. Parents who never praised their child and did not talk about his merits, but only criticized the mistakes and shortcomings. Teachers who point-blank did not notice the talents of their students, but paid attention only to weaknesses. This is enough to make even the most naturally gifted person feel inferior and flawed.

In fact, there are no people without abilities. Each person is a unique person with great potential and unique abilities. The main thing is to believe in it, find them in yourself and constantly develop them.

Self-esteem can be influenced by some kind of negative experience from the past, situations associated with failures, failures in certain undertakings. It is important not to focus on these negative points. It's just an experience to learn from. If there is a great desire to carry out the plan, then there will definitely be opportunities, you just have to start taking the first steps.

Any quality, even such as confidence, is quite possible to develop in oneself. And it’s better to start with knowing yourself, trusting your feelings, true desires. Because awareness of your essence, your abilities and life values ​​will be the first step towards self-confidence.

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Self-esteem - what does it depend on?

The main factors that usually determine a person's self-esteem are his status and his competence, as a guarantee of success. In addition, the opinions of others, the experience of success or failure, and the person's attitude towards himself usually also influence. And most importantly - always a possible personal choice of a person.

So, a variety of factors affecting self-esteem:

Status: his place in the hierarchy of the people around him, their attitude and assessments. Someone who is king by birthright tends to have higher self-esteem than a non-matriculated ad-poster. Current Suggestions. If a person is told over and over again that he is a pig, sooner or later it is difficult not to grunt. The phenomenon of suggestion has not yet been canceled. Success in life or in a particular situation. If within a month a young man successfully passed difficult university exams, met a charming girl, which reciprocates, and won a million in the lottery - most likely, his self-esteem will increase. Just to heaven. Stereotype, influence of habit. If Human used to thinking of himself as a loser, he continues to perceive himself that way even against the backdrop of success. Not everyone can change right away. Body drawing. Sluggish movements and stoop - self-esteem down, a loud confident voice and a Corset of confidence - self-esteem rises. Physical condition and mood. A tired and sick person usually has less rosy ideas about himself than a healthy, cheerful and cheerful person. Man's attitude towards himself. If a person takes revenge on himself for something, he will be able to make the most nasty impression of himself. If a person is friends with himself, he sees himself much prettier. Belief in one's own effectiveness, belief in success, belief in oneself and one's strengths are a wonderful help to high self-esteem. And simply - success in life! See → Personal choice. Self-esteem, by definition, is an assessment of oneself, one's qualities and merits, which makes the man himself. With another sides, if a person does not have his own head on his shoulders, and this is not a rare situation, then in fact in real self-esteem, for the most part, what is said to a person about him is transmitted. If Human with his head and will decided to change his self-esteem, he is quite, although not immediately, able to do this. See →

Self-esteem and level of personal development

The way of life of self-esteem and its quality in many depends on the level of personal development of a person. The higher the level of development of a personality, the more "self-assessment" it has, the more reasonable, stable and arbitrary. See →

How to develop high self-esteem in a child

There are several main ways to raise a child's self-esteem. First path- praise the child for what he has. The second is to demand more from the child, achieving better results from him. The third is to teach him, helping him master life. Western parenting often follows the first path, Asian parenting the second, and only rare parents combine all three of these approaches. See →

Adequate self-esteem

Self-esteem may or may not be adequate. Appropriateness is conformity to the requirements of the situation and the expectations of people. If people believe that a person can cope with the tasks, but he does not believe in himself, it is said about low self-esteem. If a person declares unrealistic plans, they talk about his overestimated self-esteem. The most important criterion for the adequacy of self-esteem is the feasibility of a person's plans.

Adequacy of private and specific-situational self-assessment

Specific situational self-esteem can be fairly objectively assessed as adequate or, for example, underestimated: if experience shows that a person actually copes with tasks that he could not internally resolve for a long time, then his self-esteem is objectively low. As a rule, the adequacy of self-assessment is confirmed not only by practice (the results of which can be interpreted in different ways), but also by the opinion of authorities: experts in the field where a person declares his claims. The adequacy of a specific situational self-assessment is usually aligned with experience. See →

How to assess the adequacy of personal self-esteem?

Adequate personal self-esteem - corresponding to the real results and facts, the expectations of the reference group of people, not overestimated and not underestimated one's capabilities, one's limitations and one's place among people (more broadly - one's place in life). The self-esteem of an immature person usually depends on the assessments of others, who themselves are not always adequate. The more mature a person is, the more adequate his personal self-assessment is. And vice versa, the more adequate the self-assessment of the individual, the more it speaks of his maturity. See →

Inadequate self-esteem as a work task and as a psychotherapeutic problem

Inadequate self-esteem may need to be changed (for example, made more adequate), but this particular person can be treated both as a work task and as a personal, psychotherapeutic problem. He will solve the problem (he defined the context, concretized the goal, formed the points of the plan, started working), more often people experience the problem. And they turn to psychologists and psychotherapists.

Specific situational self-esteem is more often posed as a work task, personal self-esteem is more often experienced as a personal, psychotherapeutic problem. See Translating a Problem into an Issue

Why do you need to understand, adequate self-esteem or not?

Determining the adequacy of self-assessment makes it possible to:

to give recommendations on increasing or decreasing the Ambition and the Level of claims, to speak in general about the greater or lesser Personal adequacy of a person.

Self-esteem seriously affects our lives, or rather, the formation of personality and a sense of happiness. A person will not become happy if he has self-confidence, or if he has low self-esteem. Is it possible to enjoy life when you are constantly haunted by guilt and dissatisfaction with your personality?

The impact of self-esteem on life

Self-assessment is a method of personal perception, of one's shortcomings and advantages. If it is at a negative level - this is the path to depressive states, we pay for this with a depressed state, apathy, unwillingness to rejoice. And if it is too high, then this leads to euphoria with fantastic plans, excessive demands and disappointments. The influence of self-esteem can be traced in all spheres of life:

Self-esteem can help realize plans, or it can destroy. In any case, a balance is needed. Exaggerated conceit does not bring benefits.

• career. It is difficult to imagine career growth if a person is embarrassed to talk about his own expectations;
• self-realization. People with low self-esteem have questions like, “Am I worthy? Where do I have the skills for this?
• sexuality and love: "True love is inaccessible to such a gray mouse";
• relationship. People think they do too much, or vice versa, they want too little.

If desired, the list goes on for a long time, but the result is the same - self-esteem affects our entire life and quality.

Reasons for low self-esteem

The causes of a person are sought in childhood. Negative factors accumulate, they cause problems in adulthood, difficulties in relationships with people, inability to find a favorite business, friends.

A familiar situation for every person is a situation in childhood, when a child drops a plate or breaks it, and adults immediately scold him for it and say offensive words. Every adult person was small.

If we do not take into account self-esteem, which is laid down in childhood, then there is another dangerous example. In an adult personality, self-esteem can at one moment fall “below the plinth”. The basis for such a case are negative events in life: financial losses, dismissal, insolvency for a long period of time. But not only reality has an impact on a person's self-esteem, the type of temperament is a serious factor. and sanguine people do not suffer from low self-esteem, they have stability in this. But choleric people suffer from jumps in conceit.

How to increase self-esteem

So, you are confident in your low self-esteem. It's great that you noticed and recognized this, you are interested in how to increase self-esteem. The road is not easy, but it will help you change your own life and inner world. The environment will open up for you anew, you will get what you deserve. You have no idea how many interesting and wonderful things are not available just because you are not confident in your abilities.

First, be aware of your own pros and cons. Make sure of your positive qualities, strong character traits that will receive positive evaluations and respect.

Try to play a simple game with yourself: every day you need to do 3 things that bring satisfaction, make plans, implement them, live in a good mood. In the initial stages, you may need the help of a psychologist, but do not let low self-esteem become a hindrance and forbid you to seek help. You must overcome yourself, then fortune will turn to you, everything around will be filled with bright light and warmth.

Remember all your luck, successful business and projects. Fix this feeling, do not be afraid to experience it again. Understand the reason for failures, you should not assume that serious achievements and benefits are not available to you. Be sure to find a person who will sincerely rejoice at your even small successes. They will be your parents, soulmate, true friend.

Highlight your strengths, identify your weaknesses. Do not focus on the latter, because in order to increase self-esteem, it is important to understand that you deserve the best and can achieve heights in life.

If you see that someone close to you is suffering from such a problem, then it is important to provide support. Take the time to talk, listen and understand his thoughts, praise him for all his achievements, do not criticize him and do not compare him with others. Remain a true close friend. People who have loving friends never suffer from low self-esteem.

But before you start fighting to raise other people's self-esteem, think about it - what is your goal? Do you fully understand how a person will change? What is your motivation - to save the planet or to help a person? You will be responsible for all events, sometimes a situation happens when a person does not appreciate the efforts directed towards him.

Guess who is the most unmistakable and sober evaluator of his own "I"? This is a child. . He is free from doubts, fears, insecurities, assessments of others, does not notice sidelong glances. He's just the way he is. He believes that this is good, and as proof he receives confirmation of boundless love from his parents and relatives. This is just an example of normal, adequate self-esteem. Low self-esteem - when we begin to critically perceive ourselves, we stop loving ourselves. Maybe it was inspired by our parents, maybe colleagues at work, bosses, maybe friends and girlfriends, neighbors. But the fact remains that we believed it. They believed that we were worse, began to compare ourselves with someone and, alas, not in our favor. Or, on the contrary, high self-esteem, when a person is constantly told that he is the best, that the whole world is only for him, that everything will be as he wants.

If you have low self-esteem

If you often doubt yourself, are afraid to upset someone, think about others more than about yourself, are shy, feel out of place, constantly look back at what they will think of you, how it will look from the outside, you don’t know how accept gifts, compliments, it seems to you that you are not worthy, you are afraid to talk about your desires, save on yourself, deny yourself in many ways, then this indicates low self-esteem. There can be a great many reasons for low self-esteem: age, presence / absence of a husband, children, social status, financial situation, personal achievements, appearance, the list is almost endless.

Consider the most common of them:

1. The desire to please and please others. A woman who suffers from a lack of self-love seeks to get it from others. She adapts, strives to please, often has a slightly ingratiating look. She carefully calibrates words, deeds, actions, precisely with a feeling, but how she will be perceived, and God forbid someone thinks badly of her. Often she lives in the feeling that it is important for her to please everyone without exception, everyone - period. She is very dependent on the opinions of others, in everything, not only in her own behavior, but also in the behavior of her children, cats, dogs. Sometimes it’s easier for her to rein in a child, even yell at him, than to look bad in the eyes of a caregiver, teacher, and so on. Her actions are mainly guided by the thought “What will others think of me?”.

2. Passion for diets, obsession with appearance. The desire to look good is a natural desire of most women, but for women with low self-esteem, this desire develops almost into a phobia. Chasing another diet, torturing yourself with various cosmetic procedures in order to look “perfect”. Self-flagellation and criticism of one's appearance. Striving for the ideal and life, and in the expectation that the loss of extra pounds will make her happy. Libra strives for that very figure, but for some reason happiness does not increase, there are new reasons to be dissatisfied with yourself.

3. Fear of communication. A woman obsessed with complexes will never dare to be the first to start a conversation. She is afraid that they will not pay attention to her, they will refuse her and will not support the conversation. Such a person behaves very unnaturally, stiffly, or, conversely, too relaxed, vulgar. Often she is afraid to look into the eyes of the interlocutor, looks as if through, over, suddenly she will see in these eyes disapproval, condemnation or evaluation, which she is so afraid of. It is because of this that most women with low self-esteem are afraid to create deep, sincere relationships with their partner, because they are afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to trust, become defenseless, as they really are, and put on the mask of “iron ladies” but then they suffer.

As you can see, low self-esteem makes a person squeezed, leaving him on the sidelines. The result is dissatisfaction and a sense of hopelessness.

What to do with high self-esteem

If you are always sure of what you are doing, you think that the last word should be yours, you blame other people and / or circumstances for all your troubles, if you do not know how to apologize and ask for forgiveness, if it is important for you to be the best and look ideal, but you are afraid to trust and do not like to show your weakness and defenselessness, love to teach everyone, then these are sure signs that your self-esteem is overstated.

The most common examples of inflated self-esteem:

1. Arrogance. Such a person puts himself above others. He constantly evaluates the appearance and status, fixated on "his circle" of communication. Likes to humiliate and make fun of other people in public. He will not ask for forgiveness, even if he understands and accepts his guilt. Such people believe that it is better to destroy relationships and be left alone than to admit they were wrong.

2. Fixation on your opinion. There is even such a famous expression: “Do you want to be right or happy?”. If you strive to be right everywhere and everywhere, insist on your own, do not know how to admit your mistakes, then this path will sooner or later lead to internal self-destruction.

3. Painful reaction to criticism. Inadequate perception of criticism, even a minimal remark is perceived with hostility. After all, criticism makes it clear that people are imperfect, everyone has their own shortcomings, but to admit all this for such a person is unacceptable. As a result, a lot of effort goes into maintaining an unshakable image. People with high self-esteem have very few true friends, sincere, close ones. Often they have difficulties in their personal lives, in relationships with a partner, or simply their absence. In any relationship with other people, there is tension, conflict, alienation, whether it be at home, relatives, work colleagues, partners.