Modern children are interested sex issues much sooner than the adults expected. Already at the age of 4-6 years, parents of children who go to kindergarten notice that their son or daughter often begins to pronounce the words “pisulka” and “butt” and laughs joyfully at the same time. And it would be fine if the matter ended only there. Panic horror grips parents when their child begins to show them his genitals, dropping his pants and saying with a satisfied smile: “Look!”

It is impossible to scold, shame and punish for such behavior, especially in public, as this can only traumatize him. Curiosity often takes young children quite far: they look at or touch their genitals, the genitals of other children or adults. All this is natural behavior characteristic of preschool children. You need to take this calmly, without panic, so as not to harm the normal sexual development of the child. On the contrary, shame, prohibitions, scolding and punishment, excessive attention to sexual issues will provoke deviations in sexual development and increased interest.

The child shows his genitals not because he suffers from exhibitionism - a deviation in sexual behavior when orgasm is achieved after demonstrating the genitals to strangers of the opposite sex. The desire to show their genitals in preschool children is associated with the child’s assimilation of a gender role. Between the ages of 3 and 5, children begin to become interested in the anatomical differences between the sexes, asking countless questions and intensely observing what is happening in bathrooms, closets and bedrooms.

First, parents notice that the baby is looking behind naked adults, and then they are surprised to discover that their child has been looking at “adult” magazines and books, videos and websites on the Internet for 5-7 years.

Be calm about such research baby. This means that he is at the stage of developing sexuality and sexual awareness. During this period, it is important for him to understand what gender he is and how he differs from the opposite? Boys aged 5-7 years can touch their genitals and suggest to girls in kindergarten that they take off their panties to look at her “weepie”. This certainly gives them some pleasure. And if a girl who has just started attending kindergarten begins to show her genitals to her parents, then most likely the reason for this is the boy from the kindergarten who asks her to do this.

You shouldn’t attribute depraved behavior to this boy and demand from teachers to protect your daughter from the negative influence of this baby. Even if by these actions you achieve that your daughter is transferred to another group, there is no guarantee that there will not be a boy there who also has a healthy curiosity about sex issues. It is quite enough to tell a child who is showing his genitals that he should not show what is under his panties to other people.

Most often demonstrating your genitals, the child wants to attract attention and tries to prove that he is worthy of love. Therefore, you cannot scold and shame him, this will only aggravate the situation. The child already has some kind of psychological problem, which is why he does this in order to compensate. It’s better, when you see a child pull down his pants and laugh joyfully, don’t smile back, but simply say: “Sunny, you can’t do that, let’s agree that you won’t show anyone what’s under your panties again.”

Explain to your child that " scribble" And " butt" - these are secrets that should not be spoken loudly in the presence of others and should not be shown to anyone. You can only take off your panties in the toilet or bathroom, and it is indecent to walk naked in kindergarten or on the street. The child must be told about this regularly so that everything will be permanently stored in her mind. memory.

To distinguish normal child behavior experiencing a healthy curiosity about sex, from an abnormal one, pay attention to the characteristics indicating that everything is in order with the sexual development of a preschool child:
- the participants in such games are children from the same group in the kindergarten and who have mutual sympathy for each other;
- children are in an equal position - they are approximately the same age and level of physical development;
- sexual games are frivolous, children show their genitals to each other and laugh, not taking what is happening seriously;
- if educators set the rules for such games and define boundaries, then children obey them and do not break the rules.

Deviations from normal sexual development for preschool children are:
- the child knows the appropriate vocabulary to describe sexual contacts and knows exactly how adults have sex;
- he tries to engage in sexual contacts with other children, imitating sexual movements as in adults;
- the child masturbates and shows his genitals in public places.

Expect less child's interest genital area after 7 years. From this age, the number of games based on the display of genital organs should decrease, and they will be replaced by a feeling of shame. Girls from this age already begin to ask to be covered while changing clothes and wash themselves. Boys at the age of 7 already feel awkward when their mother offers him to wash him and asks: “Mom, don’t come here, I’ll do it myself!”

I try to work on my notes daily, wherever I can. But something always distracts me. At home - continuous phone calls. In the metro there are representatives of the transport trade. Lately, for some reason, they are trying with all their might to force me to buy a stain remover pencil and shout about it at every stop, drowning out even the noise of the tunnel.

On trolleybuses and buses, distractions arise from noisy conductors fussing around passengers, and the passengers themselves talking about their affairs into their mobile phones to mysterious interlocutors.

And on the streets I am distracted by the cold, wind and rain. Sometimes even the sun.

And the city itself is distracting: it prevents you from composing with some kind of delineated blockage that slows down every word.

Outside the city, in Komarovo, my relatives are bothering me. Every now and then they knock on my room, inviting me to have lunch, drink tea, or just sit at the table with them. It seems that these people can hang out on the veranda and drink tea all day long. I collect my papers, throw things into my bag and leave them for the city. But on the way in the train and metro I was again bothered by representatives of the transport trade, and at home, in the apartment, I was again distracted by phone calls.

If I manage to write something, I immediately read it to my girlfriend Ksyusha. She sometimes laughs, sometimes she is silent - and then I don’t understand whether she liked it or not. Today I read to her about kindergarten. She sits, listens and smiles. Apparently, to some of his own thoughts. Then he goes to the kitchen.

I stay in the room. I collect the scribbled papers into a skinny pile and hear her open the window and click her lighter. I come to the kitchen.

How can you remember all this? - she asks without any interest.

So I remember almost nothing.

Well, I don’t know... - Ksyusha exhales smoke and pouts. - I completely forgot everything about my kindergarten. I only remember that during quiet time, when the teacher left, everyone showed each other their genitals.

I sigh heavily. Why is everything so interesting for others, but not for me? It turns out unfair.

And you write that this happened in your kindergarten - as if Ksyusha is reading my thoughts. - No one will check anyway. And it will bring life to the book. It will be more interesting to read.

Yes, probably... It would be worth doing that. Screw in an episode where children show each other what is between their legs. Moreover, many complained about the lack of a love line in my texts. Here, look. Here's a love line for you...

I'm almost ready to commit a forgery, since its prospects are so tempting. Moreover, lying is practically synonymous with inspiration and the key to impeccable style. At least that's what Oscar Wilde thought.

But the trouble is that I don’t know how to lie at all. As soon as I start, I immediately get confused in the words, write something incoherent, some kind of unintelligible free verse, so that I feel disgusted myself. I was taught from childhood that deceiving others is wrong. And I, fool, believed it. And when I stopped believing, it was already too late. The vile habit took over me completely. So I probably won’t lie. I’ll describe better how it really was. I will leave the events in their singularity, meaninglessness and atypicality. After all, when children show each other their genitals in kindergarten, you will agree that this is too typical, and therefore deceitful.

Kindergarten simplifies and schematizes relationships between people, and our entire future life fills these simplified diagrams with new adult content. Am I being too resonant? Of course not. I just want to reveal our little literary secrets to everyone.

Let's take it in order... In kindergarten, a small child shows his genitals to another, and he shows his genitals in gratitude. Time passes. Children grow up. They become adults. They graduate from schools, colleges, and universities. They start working. They get married. But this doesn’t change their behavior at all. They still continue to show each other their genitals. The man says something, works in the office, relaxes with his family in Paris, but, in essence, he does only one thing - shows everyone his miserable economy. He is unable to change his old childhood habit.

Am I wrong, tell me? Observe at least a little of those around you. And you, like me, can say with confidence which of them showed their genitals in kindergarten and which did not.

A friend comes to visit you and says:

I took the car, a new model... - he names the brand.

I bought a sweater for my wife... Italian!

So, I went to Paris with my family!

Do you think he really wants to tell you about his car, which he will now drive? And pollute the already polluted air in the city? Or about a sweater that, not even a year later, homeless people in a garbage dump will try on? Or about Paris, where he and his wife shied away in fear from every Arab they met? Of course not. This person just couldn’t sleep during quiet time in kindergarten.

Or, for example, imagine a scientific conference. Some learned man, decrepit, smelling of senile glands and poorly dressed, will stand up and, smiling stupidly, ask:

Can I ask a question, young man?

What? So he was forced to ask me a question? The whole time I was talking, he was quietly sleeping in his chair. But then he woke up - good morning, grandpa! - and stood up from his place, appearing to me in all his glory. But I don't listen to what he tells me. I look as if through it and see a large dormitory in a post-war kindergarten, bulky iron beds and on one of them - a little asshole who for some reason cannot sleep.

What can you do... For some, the habit of showing their personal belongings remains until their gray hairs, when it is completely, completely useless and can irritate, especially sensitive people.

Felix Karemin, my neighbor, and I are sitting on a bench in the Polytechnic Park. There is a package between us. It contains half a liter of vodka and several plastic boxes with sauerkraut, pickles and herring. The bottle is half empty and that's why we're in a good mood. A homeless man with a huge plastic bag is slowly approaching us along the alley. We interrupt the conversation and look at him very unfriendly. The homeless man stops right in front of us. He's rocking. Holding the bag in the air, he takes out a bottle of beer and solemnly shows it to us.

Guys! - the homeless man says, barely moving his clumsy tongue. - I-I have b-beer here!

Well done! - Felix praises him. - Now get out of here!

The homeless man obediently turns and leaves. From it comes an articulate uterine gurgle:

Look, you juvenile pussies, sit here and fuck! They took fashion... I’m kind to them!

I feel sorry for this homeless man.

If the girls were sitting here,” Felix comments, “he would definitely show them his dick right now.” I would take it out and show it. I see this old freak here all the time. Hangs out in the park every day. First he shows people beer, and then he shows his dick.

What is he, a pervert?

“I don’t know,” Felix frowns. - But he likes to show his dick.

When to start talking about sex with children? This question worries and frightens parents even more. Do you think the later the better? Well, no, considering that almost every child has access to the Internet from birth. Yulia Yarmolenko, sex educator, author of sexual literacy programs for teenagers and adults, member of the Association of Sexologists and Sex Therapists of Ukraine, answers all the pressing questions of moms and dads especially for WoMo readers.

What sex education topics are parents most often afraid and ashamed to talk about?

Almost everything. It’s embarrassing to teach a child the names of genitals, it’s awkward to explain where babies come from, it’s scary to even think about sexual violence, let alone talk about it with your daughter or son. Almost none of the parents teach their children physiology and hygiene rules. Moms and dads are also not always ready to talk about menstruation and wet dreams. They put this matter off until the last minute, forgetting that now teenagers are developing faster, and, for example, having periods at 9-10 years old is practically the norm. Therefore, when I am asked the question at what age should a girl start preparing for menarche, I say: as soon as the question about pads and tampons is asked. Fortunately, advertising provides an excellent informational occasion for such a conversation.

How to open up these taboo topics?

Just like everyone else. Calm, truthful, sincere. I always emphasize at trainings that since a child has a question, he is ready to get an answer. And, of course, the little man hopes to hear an honest and sincere answer. And if mom and dad are not ready for a “difficult” topic, it’s worth admitting it. Like, a very good and important question, but I need time to prepare for such a conversation. Or, as an option, you can buy a book on the topic and read it together - this is an excellent solution for those parents who find it difficult to talk about physiology and sexuality. Now “Frank Talk About It” is sold in Ukrainian stores, and it is great for preschool age. There are also several YouTube videos for different ages that can help explain complex things clearly.

Video book “Where Babies Come From” for primary school age.

“When a girl grows up” - the video explains how the female body changes during puberty, what menstruation is, why contraception is needed and how it works.

And, of course, to make it easier for parents to talk about this topic, they need to develop themselves in the topic of sexuality - read books, watch films, communicate on this topic.

How harmful/helpful are stories about the stork who brought it in its beak? What should you say to kids who are starting to become interested in the topic?

Any lie is not useful. It is because of such answers that many myths are born that children believe. For example, there are still teenagers who are sure that they can get pregnant only after marriage, because when asked “where do children come from,” their parents answered: “A man and a woman meet, fall in love with each other, get married, and then a child is born.” . Fortunately, now almost no one tells fairy tales about the stork and the cabbage; they say that the father’s cell ends up in the mother’s tummy, and the baby is born there. But it’s very difficult for most adults to explain how dad’s cell got into mom’s tummy. Some say that mom ate the cell. As a result, it happens that some teenagers are sure that they can get pregnant by having oral sex. Some children lose their appetite after such information, because they are afraid to eat that very “cell” and get pregnant... Therefore, I repeat once again: you need to answer honestly. Yes, taking into account the child’s age and level of development. But if the baby is very inquisitive and asks clarifying questions, you definitely need to answer them.

Can you give advice according to the ages of children, when and what to start talking about in the context of the body, sex, physicality?

Sex education begins from the moment a child is born. Parents instill the first taboos in their baby literally from the first months of life, when they do not allow them to examine their genitals. Although there is nothing wrong with this - the baby is just exploring himself, and this is normal. From two to three years old, a child should begin to be taught the rules of hygiene - how to care for the vulva and penis. Through this training, the child also learns his physiology - what it is called, how it works. Thus, children receive the belief that there is nothing bad, dirty or forbidden about the genitals, that they are just as important organs as any other. If we use euphemisms (pisya, pisyun, pepper, faucet, peach, rose), then we consciously or unconsciously taboo this topic. First of all, parents themselves need to introduce the normal names of the genital organs into their vocabulary. If it’s difficult, you can stand in front of a mirror and practice saying: penis, vulva, scrotum, vagina, foreskin, labia majora and minora, anus, urethra, etc. Over time, these words will be perceived as ordinary, normal, and it will become easier to say them. If parents do not teach their children the normal names of the genitals, then later girls and boys will use words of three and five letters that are written on the fence to designate the genital organs.

Around the same age of three years, you need to start teaching your child the “rules of panties” (this brochure Council of Europe you can easily find on the Internet). The Panty Rule is about showing girls and boys that private areas are very important and no one has the right to touch or look at them without our permission. And that up to a certain age, only the mother or a doctor in the presence of the mother can do this. Well, then it is important to honestly answer all the child’s questions on the topic - about genitals, differences between girls and boys, about the birth of children, pregnancy, sex, menstruation, condoms.

Now girls and boys learn this information very early, and it is better that they receive all the answers to their questions from their parents - in the correct and correct form, and not from their peers on the street, where the form and meaning can be greatly distorted. If a child comes to his parents with such questions, it means that he trusts them. And here it is important not to lose this trust. Any deception, avoidance of answering, ignoring a question - and you lose your authority. The child understands that it is better not to come to his parents with such questions, and will look for answers on the street or on the Internet.

— Read also:

When children show their genitals to each other - is this normal or an anomaly?

This is the norm in preschool age. However, in our time there are some “buts”: due to the fact that children see porn films early, they can introduce elements of violence into this harmless game - try to reproduce what they saw on the screen. And this is no longer good.

How do you even talk to children about porn?

Explain that these are films for adults and that, like action films, there is a lot of fiction in them. That in reality everything happens differently, that the genitals of ordinary people look different, that the duration of sexual intercourse is several times shorter, that not a single girl/woman will like it if she is treated like in porn. We cannot prevent children and teenagers from watching 18+ films, but we can explain why viewing them should be postponed for several years. I always talk about this with teenagers at sexual literacy trainings. And they will make the choice whether to watch or not, to focus on porn or not.

What are the most common mistakes parents make when training with children?

Parents ignore this topic, avoid it until their daughter or son is 10 years old (thinking that it is too early), and then they wonder why their children don’t want to talk to them about it. But girls and boys at the age of 10 already know everything (the only question is the quality of this knowledge) and are completely unwilling to discuss “inconvenient” topics with moms and dads.

Another common mistake: parents think that sex education is about talking about where children come from. Well, one more thing about contraceptives. However, sex education is, first of all, building a trusting relationship with a child. It is important from birth to show with your actions, words, and attitude that you will always support your son or daughter and help you cope with any problem. And talking about where children come from is the tenth thing.

Teenagers very often admit to me that they won’t go to their parents with a serious problem, because they “will scream,” “they will say that it’s their fault,” “they won’t believe it,” “mom will cry,” “they will kick them out of the house.” And this is the biggest mistake. A child should know that home is his fortress, and parents are the most important and reliable support in his life.

Is Gen Z different in sex education than previous generations? How do these differences manifest themselves?

Firstly, physiologically they develop faster in many ways. Secondly, they have unlimited access to any information from 3-5 years old, thanks to the Internet. And they learn about sex much earlier, because rarely does anyone have “safe search” in their browser settings or installed. And if a child has not received an answer to a question of interest from his parents, he will go to Google. And we understand that he is more likely to watch porn than read some scientific article. This is why the issue of sex education is so acute now.

I recently learned from my child that he shows his genitals to boys in kindergarten. I was very scared by this and scolded him only later I realized that I shouldn’t have done this. I’m very worried about how I should behave, I tell him that he shouldn’t do this. I recently found out from him that it happened again. The child is 6 years old.

Hello, Olga! Now you don’t need to SCRUDE your son - by doing this you will only reinforce the negative feelings associated with the sexual side of life, and do just the opposite by fixating on this action. The son feels and sees that YOU are confused in this situation, that this causes tension in you (every time a parent gets ANGRY and projects his feelings onto the child, he is essentially projecting his feeling of helplessness in front of the child and the situation, and the child feels and binds , that THIS is the action that helps him take control OVER the parent). Therefore, you now need to take control of this situation and yourself - give him a different reaction, not a confused mother, but a confident one. Now is the period of development when children can be interested in physiology (compare what is in someone, what it looks like, etc.), and now you need to help the child - firstly, by answering his questions and telling him everything yourself, start working and on sex education, there are a lot of books now, choose the one that suits you for the specific age of the child and clearly explain and show everything to him - he will see that the mother is oriented in this issue, that it does not scare her, that she is not angry, but This means there is no fixation on this situation, secondly, start working on the formation of personal boundaries, social norms - explain why you CAN’T show your private parts? that this is an intimate sphere, that you need to learn to respect yourself, encourage him not to look at other children (their parents should be involved in them) and their behavior, teach him to gradually dress himself (put on panties - WITHOUT you) - after all, all this is NOT formed in the child - He’s also used to going to the potty in front of his mother and changing clothes, so he doesn’t understand these boundaries, this needs to be gradually developed! talk to your child, explain everything, take control of the situation yourself! talk to dad - let him talk to the child, explain everything to him, answer his questions. Those. Thus, by adjusting your reactions, your perception, you can correct the child’s behavior and guide him!

Olga, if you have any questions, feel free to contact me - I advise parents on the specifics of children of different ages - call - I will be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Hello, Olga.

From approximately 6 to 12 years of age, the child experiences the “Latent” stage of sexual development. At this age, sexual desire and interest in sex goes “underground”, but does not disappear completely. Children conduct various experiments, incl. showing off their genitals. Erotic games among children of the same sex are a common occurrence, but this does not indicate the child’s future orientation.

I recently learned from him that it happened again.

What your child shares with you indicates that you have a trusting relationship. Don’t moralize, but ask what it gives him, what goal he is pursuing, what feelings he experiences. And based on this, build a conversation. Perhaps he needs to satisfy his interest in this topic. Find literature appropriate to his age and have an educational conversation.

Best wishes!

Around the age of three, children begin to take an active interest in their body and its capabilities. Boys show particular curiosity by putting their hands in their pants. And parents have questions...

Why does the boy show his genitals, and what to do about it?

“The formation of a child’s gender identity continues on average up to 6 years,” the psychotherapist advises Katerina Suratova. “It’s important for him to study his body and come to an understanding of where he can get pleasure.” It is equally important to look at the parents’ reaction. Do they accept him as a being of that gender, say, a boy? And if they are physiologically accepted, then the psychological formation of identity occurs.”

During this period, the father needs to be actively involved in raising his son. Firstly, the Oedipal situation begins to play out when the boy tries to take the place of his father next to his mother. Normally, a child should meet an opponent and be defeated. Secondly, it is the father who should explain and show his son what a man should be.

“I’m glad you’re a boy, and it’s great that you’re happy too. But in society this is not the way to demonstrate one’s masculinity. Love and respect are acquired differently, by good deeds, by doing the right thing,” these are the kinds of conversations that are useful for a father to have with his child. In addition, it is important to involve him in men's affairs, thus shifting the emphasis from the anatomical level to the symbolic.

If there is no father in the family, it is good when such conversations are conducted by another male representative - an older brother, uncle, grandfather. The child must learn that we love him as he is, but being male imposes certain obligations.

It would be a serious mistake to blatantly prohibit a child from showing his genitals. There are cases when children are threatened with “cutting something off” for a “noble” purpose. Psychological disturbances can be disastrous. The child will have an internal feeling that sexuality is punishable, forbidden, with all the ensuing consequences.

What to do? Continue to gently but tuningly take your hands out of your pants, making it clear that you do not approve of the behavior, but do not put a ban, and conduct, conduct dialogues.

What to do with early masturbation?

In addition to displaying their genitals, boys soon discover that they enjoy mechanical stimulation. Despite this, it is still too early to talk about masturbation. Psychologists recommend giving the child his own space, his own corner, where no one will go, where the boy will be left to his own devices. He will still explore his body, and it’s better to do it without the most destructive feeling that a parent can cause in a child - without a feeling of shame.

There are times when a boy grabs his penis in moments of anxiety. For example, when he is scolded or something is forbidden. If this happens systematically, it’s worth thinking about, because in this way the child seeks and finds peace. It’s good to offer him a different way to deal with his anxieties - draw them, sculpt them, play some kind of sport, etc., that is, again transfer the emphasis to symbolic space.

Why does a boy play girls' games?

“When gender identification occurs, the child, who considers himself omnipotent until this age, is forced to abandon some role (female) and associate himself with another (male). And some people need to completely play the opposite role in order to abandon it,” says Katerina Suratova. “Therefore, when boys play with dolls and girls play with cars, it is quite normal. It would be a mistake to put a negative emphasis on humiliating the boy. It’s especially dangerous if dad does it. Then for the child the role of such a big and strong father will be beyond his strength, and he will take on the role of a woman, a soft and kind mother. One of the development options is homosexuality. Therefore, you should not forbid a boy to play “girly” games, but talk to him: “You understand that this is just a game?”

At some point, the child realizes that he is a boy and finds his place in the generational system. It will be significant that he will fall in love... But not with his mother, but with any other woman - her friend, teacher, neighbor. True, it will still happen again in adolescence. But that's a completely different story...

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I am a journalist, translator, certified yoga instructor. But, perhaps, to a greater extent, she is the mother of two beloved children. The “Unideal Parents” project is my attempt to find answers to my maternal questions. Due to my profession, I have the opportunity to communicate with specialists, masters of their craft. The results of our cooperation are on the pages of this site. I hope we answer your questions too...