Understanding the character traits of manipulators is the first step to effective
interaction with them. To understand what these people are like
in fact, we must place them in the appropriate context. In this chapter I want to lay
a framework of ideas about personality and character that will help you see the difference between
manipulators and other personality types and learn to confidently recognize a wolf in
sheep's clothing when meeting him.

Personality with character disorders

The role of anxiety in the problems faced by individuals with
character disorders (IDC), insignificant. On the contrary, IHR lack
anxiety and vigilance associated with their dysfunctional behavioral
models.
In individuals with serious character disorders, the voice of conscience may
be absent altogether. In most IHRs, conscience is significantly underdeveloped.
The IRH's ability to experience genuine feelings of guilt or shame is weakened.
What may look like a defense mechanism on the outside is most likely
a powerful tactic that allows you to manipulate others and not give in
requirements of society.
IHR may try to manipulate your perceptions of them, but fundamentally they are who
they are.
The problematic aspects of IRH’s personality are egosyntonic (that is, IRH likes to be
himself and he is quite satisfied with his own behavioral models, although both can
cause a lot of trouble to others). They rarely seek help themselves
yourself - usually this happens at the insistence of other people.
Behind IHR's behavior are faulty thinking patterns and false views.
Self-esteem of IHR is most often inflated, and exaggeration of one’s merits is not
serves as compensation for a deeper feeling of inferiority.
Adverse consequences and social stigma do not stop IHR.
Although problematic IHR behavior patterns may be habitual and
automatic, they are conscious and intentional.
A person with character disorders has a high level of awareness and
understanding of herself, but this does not prevent her from resisting attempts to change her views and
fundamental beliefs. IHR do not need insights - they need and are useful
framework, confrontation and, above all, behavior correction. Most suitable for
working with them is a cognitive behavioral therapeutic approach.
As can be seen, on almost every point the differences between a neurotic and a personality
with character disorders are striking. And above all – people with character disorders
They don't think like most of us. In recent years, researchers have realized the full extent
the importance of this fact. The way we think, what we believe, the attitudes we have formed
to certain things - all this largely determines how we act. IN
in particular, this is why, as modern researchers note,
cognitive behavioral therapy (working with erroneous thinking patterns and
supporting a person’s desire to change their attitudes and behavior patterns) –
a suitable choice for people with an unbalanced character.
Research on distortions in the thinking patterns of individuals with character disorders
began several years ago and focused primarily on mental
attitudes of criminals. After some time, researchers came to the conclusion that
Problematic thinking patterns are common to all personality types with disorders
character. I borrowed descriptions of these problematic patterns, modified and expanded
them and is ready to present a brief description of the most important of them.
Narcissism. People with character disorders think about themselves all the time
to yourself. They don't think about what others need or how they influence others
their actions. This type of thinking gives rise to a selfish life position and
neglect of obligations to society.
Possessiveness. A thinking pattern that views others as property
with which you can do as you see fit, and whose role is
to please you. In addition, people with character disorders are prone to
objectification, that is, they see others as an object, and not independent individuals,
with self-esteem, rights and needs. This type
thinking gives rise to a possessive attitude towards other people, the desire to declare
their rights to them and dehumanize (dehumanize) them.
Maximalism (“all or nothing”). A person with character disorders is prone to
reject everything at all if he cannot get what he wants in full. If he's not really
at the top of the pyramid, he feels himself floundering at its base. If anyone disagrees with
him on some point, he believes that his opinion is not valued at all. This type
thinking interferes with the manifestations of moderation and a sense of balance and promotes
uncompromisingness.
Self-obsession. A person with character disorders is so high
values ​​his personality and ascribes to himself the right to everything he wants. He doesn't think that
must somehow earn what he wants, but, on the contrary, is inclined to believe that everyone around him is in debt
in front of him. This type of thinking contributes to the formation of arrogance, arrogance and
confidence that everyone around him is his debtor.
Shamelessness. A person with character disorders experiences a deficiency of healthy
feelings of shame. He doesn't care how his behavior affects his reputation. He can
be embarrassed if someone reveals the true essence of his character, but confusion from
the fact that he was found out is by no means the same thing as a feeling of shame for a reprehensible
act. Shamelessness fuels arrogance.
Haste and frivolity. A person with character disorders is always
strives to get what he wants as easily as possible. He hates applying
effort or commitment. It gives him much more pleasure
fool people. This type of thinking creates a disdainful attitude towards work and
other people's efforts.
Infallibility. A person with character disorders does not think about
how right or wrong his behavior is - he simply begins to act and
takes everything he needs, no matter what social norms are violated. This type
thinking gives rise to irresponsibility and antisocial behavior.

Aggressive personality and its subtypes

Personality theorist Theodore Millon looks at aggressive personalities
as actively independent in their interactions with others and the world at large.
He notes that such individuals actively ensure that their
needs have been met, and strive not to become dependent on outsiders
support. He also believes that there are two types of active-independent personality:
one can adjust its course of action sufficiently to
exist in society; the other is unable to follow the requirements of the law. I don't
agree that the epithet “aggressive” is the most appropriate to describe
style of interpersonal communication of each subtype of an active-independent personality. Human
may well make it a rule to actively take care of himself without really aggressive
manifestations. This is the case, for example, in the case of an assertive personality, which I consider
the healthiest of all. But I wholeheartedly support the idea that diversity
aggressive individuals are not limited to the circle of hardened criminals, and I think
very deplorable is the fact that in the official psychiatric nomenclature as
only a small subtype of individuals with psychological disorders appears
active-independent personality – antisocial personality.
Unlike an assertive personality, an aggressive personality realizes its intentions in
interpersonal relationships with a certain degree of ruthlessness that exposes it
disregard for the rights and needs of others. Among the most
characteristic features of this personality: a predisposition to meet any challenges in life
challenges with an unyielding determination to “win”; hot-tempered and intolerant character and
mindset; reducing adaptability, lack of ability to experience fear, weakness
braking mechanisms; persistent desire to occupy a dominant position;
exceptional contempt and disdain for those perceived as
weak. This is a “fighter” to the core.
An aggressive personality has a fair degree of narcissistic traits - sometimes
even considered as a type of narcissistic personality. Aggressive personality
notorious for her overconfidence and self-centeredness. Her own desires
plans, intentions are the only thing that matters to her. Anything that interferes with her goals
gets out of the way at any cost.
Based on the characteristics of an active-independent personality given by Millon,
a number of studies of type “A” (aggressive) personalities, the results of an ongoing
studying some deeply aggressive personalities and the experience gained during
many years of work with a wide variety of character disorders, I find
It is advisable to distinguish five basic types of aggressive personality:
unlimited-aggressive, directed-aggressive, sadistic, predatory
(psychopathic) and hidden-aggressive. Although they have much in common, each of these types
has its own clearly distinguishable unique features. Some are more dangerous compared to
others, and some are more difficult to understand. However, all aggressive individuals are significantly
make life difficult for those who work near them, live with them or are under their control
influence.
Unlimited aggressive personality openly hostile, often rude and cruel and
often behaves in a criminal manner. These are the people whose behavior we usually call
antisocial. They get angry easily, are not careful enough,
experience fears that help them adapt to the situation, are impulsive, lead
themselves at risk and extremely prone to gross violation of other people's rights. Many of them
spend a fair portion of their lives in prison because they are simply unable to
to comply with the demands of society, even when it is in their own interests.
According to traditional beliefs, these people became like this because they grew up in
an environment that instilled in them distrust of authorities and other people, and were
too traumatized by neglect and abuse to
learn to get closer to other people. My many years of experience have convinced me that only in
In some cases, the hostility of such openly aggressive characters is really
fueled by an extreme degree of mistrust on the part of others. Even fewer of them
number have an innate predisposition to wariness and suspicion (then
there are certain paranoid traits). My experience has shown that in most cases
unrestrained aggressiveness is explained not so much by mistrust and suspicion,
how much is simply an increased readiness of the individual to express aggression even when it
meaningless, unreasonable and generated simply by irritation. They show aggression
without hesitation and without regard to the consequences for themselves and everyone else. At the same time, in
the biographies of most of them showed no neglect, no mistreatment, no
unfavorable conditions. Moreover, some grew up in the most wonderful surroundings.
Thus, many of our traditional ideas about these individuals need to be
revision. One of the researchers noted that the only reliable factor seems to be
common to the whole variety of “criminal personalities” with whom he happened to
encounter - the pleasure they get from illegal, illegal
actions.
Directed aggressive personality generally directs his open aggression towards
those areas where it is socially acceptable - business, sports, army, security
law and order and jurisprudence. The rigidity, self-will and competitiveness of such people
are often rewarded. They may openly talk about how to bury an opponent or
"break" your opponent. They usually do not cross the line that separates their behavior from
really antisocial, but we shouldn't be surprised when it does happen.
The fact is that their social conformism is explained rather by practical
considerations rather than true adherence to principles or submission to higher
authorities. Therefore, they may well break the rules and cause unnecessary damage,
if they feel it will be justified or they can get away with it.
Sadistic-aggressive personality– another openly aggressive type. Like
all other aggressive individuals, they strive to gain power and subjugate
the rest. However, people of this type get special pleasure from watching how
and their victim, in distress, crawls. For other varieties
aggressive personality causing pain or harm to anyone who stands in the way of what they want
necessary - just the costs of the struggle. The goal of most aggressive individuals is
win, not cause damage. In their understanding, if someone got hurt simply because
ended up under their feet - well, so be it. But the sadist enjoys,
making people humiliate and suffer. Like other aggressive individuals, sadists want
control and subjugate, but unlike others they receive special pleasure if
at the same time they insult and humiliate their victim.
Predatory-aggressive type(sometimes called a psychopath or sociopath) –
the most dangerous among all aggressive individuals. Probably the most outstanding
An expert in this area is Robert Hare, whose book “Deprived of Conscience. Frightening
the world of psychopaths" is very easy to read and very valuable, although
a chilling introduction to the area. Fortunately, psychopaths are relatively rare
phenomenon. However, I have encountered quite a few of them throughout my career.
They are radically different from the vast majority of people. From their shamelessness
hands down. They tend to consider themselves superior beings, for whom ordinary
people are just fair game. They are the most pronounced manipulators and inveterate
scammers who profit from using and abusing other people
trust. At the same time, they can behave charmingly and disarmingly. Like the skilled
predators, they carefully study all the vulnerable spots of their prey and are capable of the most
heinous victimization without the slightest remorse or remorse. Fortunately,
Most manipulators are not psychopaths.
Some traits are common to different types of aggressive personality. All of them
tend to seek power and subjugate others. They are all relative
insensitive to fear of punishment and the voice of conscience. In their picture of the world and way of thinking
reality is distorted in such a way as to justify their extremely aggressive
position and relieve you of the need to take on and bear responsibility for your
behavior. Their distorted, incorrect thinking patterns in recent years
have repeatedly become the subject of research. Since different types
aggressive personality has so much in common, one subtype often also exhibits some
traits of another. Thus, a predominantly antisocial personality may carry within itself
some elements of sadism or hidden aggressiveness, and hidden-aggressive - to show
certain antisocial tendencies, etc.
As mentioned above, all aggressive personalities have much in common with
narcissistic. Both types have inflated egos, both are sure that everyone around them owes them. Both
tend to exploit interpersonal relationships. Both are emotionally independent, then
They rely only on themselves to meet their needs. Millon describes
narcissists as a passive-independent personality type, since their preoccupation with themselves leads to
they become confident that they simply don’t need anyone around. They don't need
do something to show their competence and superiority because they and
so completely convinced of this. But if narcissists are so self-absorbed that they
passively neglect the rights and needs of others, then aggressive individuals
on the contrary, they are actively involved in activities designed to support their independence and
protect her from encroachment, and actively trample on the rights of others in order to protect their own
goals and maintain a dominant position.

Hidden-aggressive personality

It can be expected that a covertly aggressive personality, being a subtype of aggressive,
will also share some characteristics with narcissists. However, in covertly aggressive
personalities have many unique characteristics that make them separate, distinct
distinguishable type of aggressive personality. From other types of aggressive personality they
They differ primarily in the way they fight. They fight for what they want and
achieve power over others using elusive, cunning, insidious
ways. Upon mature reflection it is clear that they are much closer to individuals with
character disorders than neurotics. To the extent that they have
neuroticism, they may be deceived about the true nature of their character and
own hidden aggressive behavior. The closer they are to individuals with
character disorders, the more actively they deceive only those whom they have chosen
victim.
The reluctance of covertly aggressive individuals to show open aggression –
a pragmatic trait that allows them to save face. Manipulators know that explicit
aggression will meet resistance. Having learned that the best way to overcome an obstacle is
bypass it, they become masters of the struggle, which is waged by any means, but
secretly.
Some personality theorists consider a key trait
hidden-aggressive or manipulative personalities, then extraordinary pleasure, with
with which they fool their victims. But I am convinced that their intentions are those
the same as for other aggressive individuals. They just want to win and they realized that
secret methods of warfare suit their goals best. That's what I consider them
the most important qualities:
1. Hidden-aggressive individuals always strive to insist on their own or “win.”
Any life situation for them, as for all other aggressive individuals, is
a challenge to be accepted and a battle to be won.
2. Covert-aggressive individuals seek power over other people and strive
subjugate them. They always want to be one step ahead and in control of the situation. They
use a whole arsenal of subtle but effective techniques to get and
maintain an advantage in interpersonal relationships. They resort to certain
tricks that force others to defend themselves, give in or give up something and
at the same time, they mask their aggressive intentions.
3. Covert-aggressive individuals can be deceptively polite, charming, and
attractive. They know how to present themselves in a favorable light and how to position
you to yourself, melting the ice of your resistance. They know what to say and do
for you to suspend your intuitive mistrust and give them what they want.
4. Covertly aggressive individuals can also be unprincipled, insidious and
vindictive fighters. They know how to take advantage of any weakness you have and will strengthen you.
onslaught, barely noticing signs of indecision in your behavior. They know how to catch
take you by surprise and prevent you from preparing. And if they think you've crossed their path or
tried to get the better of them, they will try to put you in your place and take revenge. For
Their battle is not over until they win.
5. Hidden-aggressive individuals are distinguished by a profound lack of conscience. Like everyone else
For other aggressive individuals, they lack internal “brakes.” They know that
what is good and what is bad, but they do not allow this knowledge to stand in the way of what they want. For them
the end always justifies the means. Thus, they deceive both themselves and others
relative to what they are actually doing.
6. Covertly aggressive individuals abuse interpersonal relationships and
use them for their own purposes. They consider people pawns in a game (or, if you prefer, a battle)
life. Abhorring weakness as such, they take advantage of every
lack of their “opponents”.
As with any other types, psychopathology is expressed in covertly aggressive people.
individuals to varying degrees. For the most serious violations, the interpersonal style
interactions between covertly aggressive individuals go far beyond simple
manipulativeness. Covert-aggressive individuals with severe disorders
character are capable of hiding a fair amount of ruthlessness and thirst for power under the mask
feigned politeness and even a certain charm. Some of them show
distinctly psychopathic traits. Great examples are Jim Jones and
David Koresh. However, although the behavior of a hidden-aggressive personality can be much

(Jim Jones is an American preacher, founder of the religious organization Peoples Temple. In 1978
year convinced the residents of Jonestown (a village founded by members of the Peoples Temple) to commit a mass
suicide. David Koresh is an American religious leader, leader of the Branch Davidian sect. Was caught
in sexual relations with minors, was accused of attempted murder, but was acquitted.
He died in 1993 during the FBI siege of the Mount Carmel estate, which belonged to members of the sect.)

richer than simple manipulativeness, real manipulators in the overwhelming majority
In their own way, they are hidden aggressive individuals.

Differences between a covert-aggressive personality and a passive-aggressive and other types

Just as passivity and hidden aggression are very different
behavioral styles, passive-aggressive and hidden-aggressive personalities are strikingly
differ from each other. Millon describes the personality of the passive-aggressive, or
negativistic, such as very ambivalent - oscillating between dependent and
independent style of behavior. People of this type want to manage their own
life, but fear that they lack the ability to do it effectively. Their insecurities
and hesitation as to whether to take care of oneself or rely on it
mainly on others, firmly connect them with those who are with them in
any relationship. They constantly want and beg others for support and care.
However, since a dependent and subordinate position irritates them, they often try
taste personal power by resisting cooperation with the very people whose
were looking for support. Unable to make a decision on their own, they may shift
it on your shoulders. Once you accept it, they take their time to follow it. In an argument with you
they may decide they've had enough and want to leave. But in fear of what's behind this
elimination may be followed by emotional rejection, they stay and sulk until
until you start begging them to tell you what's wrong. Living with a passive-aggressive
personality can be very difficult because it often seems impossible to please.
In his book How to Live with a Passive-Aggressive Person, Scott Wetzler quite
describes well the passive-aggressive type and life next to him, although often not
sufficiently differentiates between passivity and hidden aggressiveness.
Therapy for passive-aggressive patients is legendary. These patients may whine and
complain about the therapist's lack of support, but the therapist barely tries to provide
her, they immediately rear up and meet the therapist’s proposals with objections like “yes,
but…” and other implicit forms of passive resistance. Most therapists with
easily distinguish such clearly “ambivalent” characters, driven
increased sensitivity to shame, from more cunning, calculating manipulators,
which I call covertly aggressive. However, sometimes therapists unfamiliar with more
in exact terms, the concept is mistakenly used to describe manipulators
“passive-aggressive”, thereby trying to more clearly define the elusive
aggressiveness inherent in these manipulators. Hidden-aggressive personalities are not at all
the same as obsessive-compulsive. We've all encountered perfectionists
pedants and highly organized people. We value these qualities very highly,
when they audit our tax returns or perform brain surgery on us. Yes,
some compulsive people can be pushy, overbearing, overpowering and
controlling. But this happens because they also have a hidden
aggressiveness. Apparent adherence to principles and standards can be used as
a mechanism that allows you to gain power and subjugate others.
Obsessive-compulsive individuals with hidden aggression are people who
trying to shove their standards down everyone else's throats.
Covert-aggressive personalities are not identical to narcissistic personalities, although almost
always have narcissistic traits. People who think too much about themselves don't
necessarily try to manipulate others. Narcissists can relate to needs
others with passive indifference because they are self-absorbed. However, some
self-centered people show active disrespect for other people's needs and
deliberately mistreat other people, turning them into their victims. To
To reflect this, some authors distinguish between mild and malignant narcissism. However I
I believe that the difference between people who are so self-absorbed that they do not show
attention to the rights and needs of others, and people, systematically
exploiting and victimizing others is that the latter, in addition to
Narcissistic traits have a distinct aggressiveness. Thus,
egoists who skillfully manipulate and use others are not just narcissists, but
also hidden aggressive individuals.
Most covertly aggressive individuals are not antisocial.
Since they are disdainful of other people's rights and needs, they have
lack of conscience, actively seek an advantage over other people and resort to
by any methods, except perhaps obvious violations of the law and naked aggression,
There is a great temptation to call their behavior antisocial. Manipulation really comes in
in the arsenal of some antisocial individuals. However, manipulators do not violate
the most significant social norms, do not lead a criminal lifestyle and do not exhibit
gross aggression towards others, although in principle they are capable of this. Was
Several attempts have been made to accurately describe the inherent nature of manipulative people.
calculating, cunning, controlling interpersonal style. To them
tried on every label imaginable, from sociopaths to malignantly narcissistic and even how
suggested Scott Peck, "vicious" individuals. Based on my feelings from people with
subtle aggression in their character, many call them passive-aggressive. However, neither
one of these labels does not capture the essence of the manipulative personality. It's important to realize that
manipulation most often implies hidden aggression, so skilled manipulators
- These are hidden aggressive individuals.
It should also be remembered that the manipulator, in addition to his hidden aggressiveness
may have other personality traits. So, in addition to manipulativeness, he can
have a certain amount of narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness,
antisociality and other tendencies. But, as one of my friends noted, “it doesn’t matter if it’s gray
or brown, whether his ears are long or short, whether he has a lot of fur or little - if he is big, with
with tusks and a trunk, then it’s definitely an elephant.” If the person you are dealing with has
those key traits described above, then it doesn’t matter what else he has - before
you are a hidden aggressive person.
Since predatory-aggressive and psychopathic personalities are masters
manipulation, there is a temptation to view a covertly aggressive personality as soft
version of a psychopath. This point of view has the right to life. Psychopaths are the most dangerous
insidious and manipulative among aggressive individuals. Fortunately, they are at the same time
are rather the exception. The same manipulative personalities described in this
book, are widespread to a much greater extent and, although they can also to a certain extent
degree to wreak havoc and devastation in the lives of its victims, is still not as dangerous as
psychopaths.

How a hidden-aggressive personality is formed

An aggressive personality is formed in different ways. I have met individuals whose
childhood was so riddled with neglect and abuse that they were
they are simply forced to become strong “fighters” in order to survive. But I have also seen many
those who were too eager to fight throughout their lives, although they grew up in the very
in the most caring and supportive environment imaginable. Arises
the feeling that these people derailed their socialization process quite early and
that the formation of their character at all stages proceeded under the strong influence of their
excessive belligerence. However, regardless of what had a stronger
influence - nature or nurture - most hidden-aggressive personalities in childhood
years have somehow missed some important lessons about managing one's aggression and
focused too much on others. Judging by the life stories with which I
I had a chance to get acquainted, covertly aggressive individuals usually demonstrate the following
flaws:
1. They do not know how to understand in what cases a fight is really necessary and
justified. For them, all everyday life is a battle, and everything that stands in the way of
desired - “enemy”. Obsessed with "winning", they want to fight too much and
are in excessively expressed combat readiness.
2. They never entertained the idea that “victory” in the long-term sense is often
implies a willingness to retreat, step aside, or submit to
short term. They are unable to recognize those moments when they should
give in. Categorical rejection of the very idea of ​​obedience does not allow them to go to those
small concessions that often lead to “victory” later.
3. They don't know how to fight fairly and constructively. Maybe they
learned a lesson that now causes them to not trust their ability to win in
fight in an honest way. Perhaps they were never prepared to be subjected to
risk of defeat. Sometimes the reason is simpler: they discovered that the hidden struggle
more efficient. Be that as it may, they somehow learned to go towards “victory” (according to
at least short-term) through secret and treacherous paths.
4. Because they hate to obey, they deprived themselves of the opportunity to see that
admitting defeat may have some constructive benefits. I guess
that all aggressive individuals (and individuals with character disorders) have an underlying
inability to learn from previous experiences the lessons we would like to teach them,
lies the same mechanism. True assimilation (i.e. internalization) of life
lesson always implies submission to some higher authority, force or moral
principle. Aggressive personalities do not change because they do not want to obey.
5. They do not know how to go beyond their childish selfishness and self-centeredness.
They are not able to realize that just the desire to get something can be
not enough to qualify. For them, the whole world is their property.
Having learned to get their way through manipulation, they begin to consider themselves invincible.
This inflates their already inflated self-esteem even more.
6. They have not learned to sincerely respect and empathize with other people's weaknesses.
Any vulnerability of another person for them is just their own advantage.
Despising other people's weaknesses (especially emotional ones), they hone their skills beyond measure.
find and use emotional “levers” of their victims.

Fertile ground for hidden aggression

Some professions, fields of activity and public institutions
provide covertly aggressive individuals with an excellent opportunity to take advantage of others
people for their own purposes. Politics, law enforcement, religion - these are a few bright ones
examples. I do not mean to suggest that any politician, police officer or religious
the actor is certainly a manipulative person. However, manipulators, being
secret power-hungers, cannot resist that brilliant opportunity
assert oneself and wield significant power under the guise of execution
debt that these areas open up for them. Televangelists, cult leaders,
political extremists, Sunday night "success" sellers, and militant
social activists, whose revealing articles later appeared on the first
newspaper strips, from the point of view of the way of action, were not fundamentally different from those
hidden aggressive personalities that we encounter in everyday life. This
just pronounced extreme cases. The more insidious and skillful
a hidden-aggressive personality uses manipulation techniques, the easier it is for her to take
an influential position with broad powers.

How to recognize a manipulator and deal with him

It is easy to become a victim of the cunning tricks of a hidden aggressive person. If you
want to avoid victimization, you must do the following.
1. Get to know the character of these wolves in sheep's clothing. Understand what
what they want and how they act. Study them so closely that you can immediately recognize any of them
at the meeting. The stories in the following chapters of the book are written to help you
feel the spirit of covertly aggressive behavior.
2. Familiarize yourself with the favorite techniques of covertly aggressive people who
allow them to manipulate and control those around them. We need to make a clear
an idea not only of what covertly aggressive individuals are like, but also of how
they can behave. In general, one can expect from them any steps leading to
“victory”, but study the most common techniques and learn to notice them
application is the best way to avoid victimization.
3. Examine the common fears and weaknesses that make you especially vulnerable.
before the tricks of hidden aggressive individuals. Knowing your vulnerabilities is probably yours
the most powerful tool for effectively resisting a manipulator.
4. Find out what you can change in your own behavior to become less
vulnerable to victimization and attempts by the manipulator to use you for their own purposes.
Using techniques like those presented in Chapter 10 can radically change
the nature of your communication with other people and will allow you to be more productive
interact with those who would otherwise try to manipulate and control
you.
The stories presented in the next few chapters are called upon more closely
introduce you to the nature of manipulative people. In every chapter, to the fore
one of the distinctive features of a hidden-aggressive personality has been derived. In all these stories
I tried to clearly show the main intentions of the manipulator, the techniques that he
used to carry out these intentions, and the weaknesses of the victim, which he
enjoyed it.

Stories about passive-aggressive individuals are increasingly becoming the subject of Hollywood dramas and comedies.

What fate can constant suppression of anger lead to, how and who are hindered from living by types who hide their discontent under a pretty face? And, in general, what is passive aggression and how to deal with it?

Passive-aggressive behavior: what is it?

Since childhood, it has been drilled into our heads that showing anger is bad.

You cannot shout, throw chairs, break plates, call names, be rude and openly angry, otherwise you will be loved and respected less.

You will be known as a nervous person, your friends will run away like cockroaches, you will be demoted... And so, impressed by educational horror stories, we have learned to restrain our anger and mask it.

This is how passive aggression was born, which does much more harm than open anger.

The direct manifestation of dissatisfaction, disagreement, resentment and anger allows us to get rid of obsessive emotions and free the body for good thoughts.

We shake off the nervous ballast the moment it appears. Therefore, anger does not accumulate and the rest of the time we can be peaceful and pleasant individuals.

It’s normal to be dissatisfied with something, and so is giving up an unpleasant activity.

Passive aggression is a consequence of suppressing all negative emotions. That case when grumbling and anger are shoved into the far corner of consciousness, and a sweet smile plays on your face.

It’s easy to recognize a passive aggressor by his behavior - he phenomenally sabotages all unloved activities, unknowingly causes harm at home and at work, interferes with someone else’s simple happiness and slows down all important processes.

He is characterized by clowning and clowning, and his speech can be covered with sarcastic and caustic.

Instead of direct confrontation, he acts secretly, behind his back, never admitting his true desires.

Manifestations of passive aggression

It is thanks to the passive-aggressive personality type that these people do not say “No” if they do not want to do the work.

It’s too early to rejoice at trouble-free talents! After all, they masterfully sabotage the process: do not expect that such specimens will deliver the project on time and with high quality.

They are late for work, put off important tasks until the deadline, regularly get sick and get caught in traffic jams...

What is there! These individuals are subconsciously ready to break their arm just to get an adequate reason for taking time off.

A passive-aggressive person suppresses any manifestations of anger: he does not talk about his feelings, does not refuse unpleasant things, does not express violent emotions with facial expressions, body and gestures.

In a word, at first he does not make it clear to others that he is dissatisfied. He avoids conflicts and keeps silent in the corner with manic diligence.

But after some time, not allowing himself momentary release, he begins to cause mischief. Complain about life, feel sorry for yourself, whisper, gossip, write slander, blame your loved ones for your failed fate.

Very often you can hear from such a person: “Well, it’s clear what was expected: you don’t care at all that I feel bad. You are not interested in my opinion, you only think about yourself. Nobody took care of me."

“Playing the silent game,” detachment, ignoring, the phrase “Everything is fine, don’t worry about me” are typical tricks of such individuals.

You will never know the reasons for their grievances until you figure it out yourself. But even without uttering a word, they manage to be excellent psychological tyrants in the family.

In addition, they are excellent provocateurs: in the end, you will throw your fists at your spouse in anger and break dishes, and he will arrogantly blame you for your uncontrolled, ugly behavior.

Sometimes the unconscious actions of passive-aggressive types seem funny, ridiculous, and illogical.

Instead of simply canceling a date, they “forget” to book a table, step into a meter-long puddle, faint at a bus stop, get poisoned by yesterday’s soup, catch a rare form of SARS, or even board the wrong plane flight.

They seem to sincerely not want to offend or offend anyone, but their behavior should not be confused with politeness and tact.

Where does passive aggression come from?

This is not an innate trait, but a newly acquired trait. Most often, passive-aggressive behavior begins in childhood. There are several ways:

1) Parents often quarreled, shouted, and fought in front of the child, and the expression of anger became “dirty” and defiled for him.

2) Mom and dad forbade the child to show dissatisfaction, swear, yell, cry. “Don’t you dare talk to your elders like that!” He was taught that it was impossible to be offended, that anger was a trait of bad boys and girls, and that no one would love a “mean” person.

3) The parents themselves were passive-aggressive people, and instilled this example of behavior in their child.

As a result, the child is unable, unwilling, ashamed or afraid to express negative emotions. Over time, he finds other ways to get out of unpleasant situations.

Many people today are unaware of their tendency towards passive-aggressive behavior.

After all, over the years, these traits become an integral part of the personality, and if you look at your character under a microscope, it is quite difficult to recognize them.

The Second World War, like any other, brought not only casualties and destruction, but also useful discoveries. Military doctors often encountered unusual disorders associated with both post-traumatic stress disorder and less severe stressful situations. The American physician William Menninger was the first to use the term “passive aggression” when describing cases of indirect expression of anger. The soldiers whom Menninger observed did not express anger openly, but showed it through resentment, stubbornness, refusal to follow orders, and ineffective service in general. At first, the researcher considered this behavior to be immature, caused by the stress of military operations. But then it became clear that the soldiers' reactions could be symptoms of a personality disorder. The new diagnosis was reflected in the first Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). However, over time, it moved from the category of major personality disorders to the group of “disorders requiring additional study.”

Scientists had expressed versions about the origin of passive aggression before Menninger, using other terms. In the works of Sigmund Freud one can find descriptions of cases of indirect expression of anger associated with the need to restrain affects that are undesirable for oneself and others. German psychiatrist Frederick Perls, who radically revised the ideas of classical psychoanalysis, considered passive aggression the scourge of modern civilization, manifested in laziness, unhealthy eating behavior, and the invention of deadly weapons. American psychologist Eric Berne associated passive aggression with childhood patterns of behavior that persist into adulthood instead of the emergence of mature, thoughtful reactions. But all researchers agreed on one thing: the roots of passive aggression must be sought in childhood.

From childhood to adulthood: behaving well

Some parents calmly react to a child’s aggressive behavior, understanding that, due to his age, he is not able to understand the damage that he can cause to his peers and parents. Other mothers and fathers, from early childhood, demand that the child be a good boy, not offend anyone, and suppress attacks of anger. With such demands, they cause double harm to the child: firstly, he is taught to constantly suppress aggression in himself, which is necessary to overcome difficulties and to protect himself, and secondly, he is instilled with incorrect models of behavior, which may be to the liking of the parents, but will later bring harm to the person. many problems. Let's say a child doesn't like the food they feed him for breakfast. He may say, “I hate this disgusting mess!” But instead of convincing the child to eat porridge (for example, through play), some parents take the simplest route and impose a ban on such reactions. “Good children don’t say that,” “Don’t argue with your parents,” “If you say that, it means you don’t love your mom,” and so on.

In this case, the only way for the child to express his attitude towards the situation is to quietly sabotage the process, without bringing the matter to an open conflict: for example, eating deliberately slowly and being distracted. Or the child may begin to misbehave at the table, wanting to “punish” the parents for some offense on another matter, not daring to openly express their dissatisfaction. The successful use of these methods is gradually consolidated, and a person begins to use them for any reason. First of all, against people who are his authority, by inertia transferring parental figures to them.

From theory to practice: being honest with yourself

Passive-aggressive behavior can consist of different elements; If you take a closer look at your colleagues and acquaintances, you will recognize many of them. Failure to meet deadlines, postponing necessary actions, protesting against the adequate demands of others, stubbornness, disgust and contempt for superiors, sabotage, sarcasm, avoidance of responsibility - these are just a few of the techniques that a person who has not learned to directly express anger in childhood is able to use. Each of these methods individually does not mean that a person needs to be taken to see a psychotherapist, but using them together should raise red flags.

Professional psychologists and psychotherapists believe that people who exhibit passive aggression rarely realize the inadequacy of their behavior and are not motivated to seek treatment. And even agreeing to a psychotherapeutic session, such patients enter into confrontation with the doctor. The psychotherapist cannot indulge the patient's reactions, this is contrary to the treatment process, but if he constantly criticizes manifestations of passive aggression, he may inadvertently encourage the person to abandon therapy altogether. People who use passive aggression to solve their problems often pose such problems not only to specialists, but also to loved ones.

Psychotherapists typically use behavioral techniques and social skills training. Since childhood, such patients suffer from a lack of understanding of the rules of behavior and do not know when to use one or another communication technique. The psychotherapist demonstrates patterns of behavior that are appropriate to the situation: he expresses his emotions directly (for example, he simply says: “I am angry with you because you are dissatisfied, but are silent”), uses humor. The therapist also supports the patient’s healthy behavior, praises him, and compliments his jokes, but not sarcasm.

Recognizing and countering passive aggression is not that difficult—even for a layman. You should be wary if your relative, friend or colleague behaves in the following way:

Constantly complains or argues.

Takes actions that are contrary to your proposal, which was agreed upon in advance. For example, you and your spouse agreed to stay home on Saturday and do some spring cleaning. On Friday, he/she unexpectedly announces that he is going to go to the cinema tomorrow with friends, and cleaning will be done some other time.

Neglects news and events in the lives of significant people. For example, you tell your best friend that you are being sent on a dream business trip to Madagascar for six months, and he looks at his phone or interrupts you with the words: “Let me tell you how we went on a raid in Warcraft yesterday.”

Refuses positive ratings. “Honey, I bought you a car.” - “Do you want me to be stuck in traffic jams all my life?”

Denies own negative reactions. “Why are you sulking?” - “It seems to you.”

I am convinced that only other people are constantly lucky.

The above reactions are components of passive-aggressive behavior. To overcome it, you need to behave carefully and consistently: refuse the games that your communication partner imposes on you, do not use his techniques, do not start communication without optimism and positive attitudes. Stay calm and try to explain to yourself the reasons for the behavior of your colleague, relative or friend. Whenever you hear sarcasm or a complaint, try to see the situation through your partner's eyes. Perhaps you will feel the loneliness and resentment overwhelming your interlocutor, and it will become easier for you to sympathize with him. If you can't find the reason, simply list the characteristics of his behavior, accept them and admit that this time you will not buy such reactions. Ask questions, try to find out what your interlocutor is dissatisfied with.

Encourage voicing of complaints, but do not wake the sleeping beast: if a person is trying his best to channel his aggression in detours, he may be doing this out of fear that you will not be able to cope with the wave of his anger. Be careful and try to distinguish irritation, which manifests itself in mobility and fast, careless speech, from rage, which may be hidden behind numbness, tense posture and frozen facial expressions. And most importantly, express your own feelings, talk about yourself, show that you are a living person. Open expression of feelings is the very risk that a person who shows passive aggression tries to avoid, not knowing how to show his true self. But once he manages to express himself at least once and see that he is understood, he will never refuse such an experience again.

If you catch yourself using passive aggression, try not to lose the sense of awareness of your own actions. If you want to respond sharply, stop, breathe and say what you intended, directly but calmly. Any “it pisses me off that others get everything” can be turned into “I want to be loved, I am ready to open up to people.” Be honest with yourself first. Sincerity is a direct path to open dialogue, constructive aggression and overcoming difficulties.

Photo: Marc Quinn
Icons: 1) Herbert Spencer, 2) Alexander, 3) Gilad Fried - from the Noun Project.

Contents of the article:

Passive aggression is silent resistance to the speech (beliefs, actions) of one’s opponent, when one is not going to enter into an open, angry debate with him. A person subjected to such mental pressure remains “on his own” with his own, even incorrect, opinion. This passive-aggressive behavior is considered a mental disorder, characteristic of individuals who cannot openly confront the judgment of others, are constantly irritated and look for flaws in other people.

What is a passive aggressor?

Passive aggression occurs in individuals with a weak nervous system who indifferently meet life's adversities, without even trying to somehow minimize their negative impact. Such people are restless and indecisive, they question everything and are cautious about every occasion. For example, they can silently nod their heads, as if approving of their opponent, but at the same time think, “Shallow, shallow Emelya, and we’ll see what comes of it.”

Reluctance to solve one's problems makes a person passive, trying not to run into conflict even when it is inevitable. Such people follow the path of least resistance, preferring not to do anything, but to look from the outside and condemn the actions of, say, their superiors, having their own “special” opinion on everything. These are vulnerable to external influence, which makes it possible to manipulate their consciousness and behavior.

The reluctance to openly confront other people's opinions causes dissatisfaction with oneself, but a person cannot do anything about it. He withdraws into himself and is very worried, becomes a grouch, and considers everyone around him to be bad, deceitful and selfish. Such people can be identified by eternal dissatisfaction, constant negative assessments of others, attempts to contrast their “passive” views with other opinions.

Important to know! A passive aggressor sees everyone in a dark light, his people are bad, and you shouldn’t trust them.

The main causes of passive aggression

The psychology of passive aggression is a little-studied phenomenon, but psychologists have found that the passive-aggressive style of behavior is less pronounced in women. It occurs 2 times more often in men.

Common Causes of Passive Aggression

Such manners are manifested in dependent people who are afraid to openly express their opinion for fear of being punished. In interpersonal relationships, they feel in a humiliated position, they are oppressed by a feeling of guilt.

Let's look at all these factors in more detail. These include:

• Passivity. When, due to the weakness of their character, they shy away from decisive action, even to their detriment. I don’t want to be active, it’s better to let it be. Such a person is easy to manipulate, although he may not agree with another point of view, but will not openly criticize it. The main thing is your own peace of mind, and therefore it is better to silently “serve” any objectionable opinion.
• Indecisiveness. Associated with low self-esteem and the inability to solve one’s problems independently. A person is afraid to express his opinion because he considers it immature and frivolous. If he offers his point of view, they will laugh at him. Such “downtroddenness” of oneself leads to silent agreement with the imposed gaze. A silent “aggression” towards an opposing opinion arises in the soul.
• Anxiety. Overly suspicious in constant anxiety that everything in life is going completely wrong. This leads to depression. Anxious and depressed individuals fall into apathy when they have no strength to resist. In this state, they may agree to an opinion that contradicts their own. If only they would stay away from them. Although a silent resistance arises in the soul against the one who “stuck” with his judgment.
• The desire to look good in the eyes of others. It is common for people to be indecisive. Associated with weakness of character, when one’s judgment is hidden deep inside the soul. I will do as you say, as long as they say good things about me. Such conformism often hides passive aggression; anger does not come out so that others do not think badly of the person.
• Gullibility. When the tendency to trust borders on the naivety of a child. A person doesn’t even think about what could happen to him if he agrees with someone else’s opinion, which is sharply different from his own. He simply takes his word for it, and this leads to manipulation of his consciousness.
• Fear of negative experiences. I don’t agree with another opinion, but if he speaks out against it, he will receive a lot of negative emotions. Why are they? It is better to silently accept a different judgment, but on occasion always have your own “special” point of view. A kind of silent-aggressive, irritable personality.
• Psychological dependence. A person is dependent, for example, on his employer. He “presses”, imposes his point of view, although it is completely unacceptable, but you need to agree with it, otherwise you can lose your job. This is how a person takes the “pose” of a silent aggressor.
• Vague identity. When everything around is perceived as lacking clarity, alienated. With this perception, another opinion is perceived uncritically, although it may differ sharply from one’s own.
• Love of pleasure. A person has his own position, but the craving for pleasure forces him to restrain his judgment, as this can affect his image. In such cases, he will limit himself to “cautious aggression”, silently or privately condemning people who impose their point of view on him.
• Impressionability. Often combined with suspiciousness and gullibility. Overly impressionable people often sacrifice their opinions to others. Realizing that they did wrong, they become irritated, but hide their anger behind passive aggression - harsh words addressed to those who imposed their position on them.
• Greed. Those who are too greedy cover up their disagreement with someone with quiet aggression - they do not express their anger clearly, because they are afraid to speak publicly against the person on whom their, say, material well-being depends.
• Conceit. Those who are too confident in themselves can act rashly, without consulting with loved ones and friends, then they get upset, blaming the whole world for their failures. Realizing that they are wrong, they hide their dissatisfaction behind passive aggression, for example, by discussing in a close circle the people who forced them to make the wrong decision.

Important to know! People who are unsuccessful in their personal lives and professional activities often become passive-aggressive.

What pushes men to quiet aggression?

Why men become silent aggressors depends on many factors. First of all, this is due to the character formed under the influence of a weak nervous system. Let's say a person hushes up the problem or avoids it with obscene jokes. This happens because he is afraid to express his point of view, so as not to run into trouble, although he is not averse to causing a scandal. It’s good if such behavior is reflected in upbringing and the general culture of the individual. However, this is not always the case.

To recognize passive aggression in men, you need to know the signs of passive-aggressive behavior. These may include:

1. Speaks badly of everyone. He is afraid to be openly angry and shows his dissatisfaction secretly. Like the joke about the lion and the hare. They were sitting in a restaurant, the lion got drunk and slammed his fist on the table, saying, now I’ll show you how to disagree with me. The hare got scared and ran away. At home, he tightly closed all the windows and also slammed his fist on the table: “You won’t scare me!”
2. Lack of initiative. When he listens silently and agrees with everything. Although he has his own opinion, he is afraid to express it due to his weakness of character. Such a person always tries to shift responsibility onto others, often lies, and apologizes over trifles.
3. Optional. He never fulfills his promises; after starting work, he can quit with the words that he will finish it later. And this “after” will drag on for a long time. When asked to do something, he reacts weakly, saying that it’s all nonsense, nothing will work. Such actions and words conceal uncertainty about one’s own actions, which is covered by hidden aggression and opposition to one’s opponent.
4. Misogyny. An insecure man is afraid of women, does not know how to talk to them, is afraid, for example, to hear a harsh word from them addressed to him. He hides his quiet aggression towards the female sex behind bravura behavior, often accompanied by the words that they are all so-and-so and you shouldn’t communicate with them.
5. Modesty in everyday life. Such a person does not like to attract unnecessary attention to himself. His behavior does not cause any complaints; the quietly aggressive type does nasty things to people with a smile. Such an innocent lamb.
6. Weak-willed character. Doesn’t take the initiative, tries to hide behind someone else’s back, often this is a woman’s back. Completely under the thumb of his mother or wife, they solve all household problems for him. At work I am dependent on my superiors and always agree with him on everything. Even if he doesn’t think so at all. Because of this, he constantly feels guilty, but does not “resist evil with violence.” All his resistance turns into quiet aggression: bad reviews, for example, about his boss or neighbor.
7. Alcoholism, substance abuse. A striking example of passive aggression in men is the passion for alcohol or all kinds of “manias,” for example, drug addiction. Complexity, fear of openly stating one’s position, entering into a public dispute, make one worry. A person seems to be a coward, and in order to look brave, he begins to drink intoxicants. When intoxicated, he feels a surge of strength. Then he will show those who do not take him into account! And when he sobers up, the aggressiveness disappears, he is again quieter than water.
8. Soullessness. A man suffers so much from his worthlessness, fear of proving himself, that he has no time for others. He simply forgets that he is surrounded by people who want kind attention to themselves. They never apologize if they do something awkward. Why, he (she) will survive anyway.
9. Never clearly states his position. It's always foggy and vague. Today there may be one opinion, and after a while - a completely different one. It all depends on the environment in which he is located.
10. Acts inconsistently. Yesterday he said one thing, and today it is completely different, he acts depending on the situation, adapts to the momentary opinion.

Important to know! A passive-aggressive man is an immature, weak-willed and lacking initiative person who cannot properly use the abilities given to him by nature, and therefore covers up his passivity with hidden aggression towards active, active people.

Woman is a silent aggressor

Passive aggression in women is much less common than in men. The fair sex, getting into an unpleasant situation, tries to throw out negative emotions, noisily reacting to criticism addressed to them. This is due to the characteristics of the emotional sphere. However, such a character trait as, for example, caution forces one to refrain from a harsh assessment of one’s interlocutor.

Let's take a closer look at what character traits help a woman restrain her anger, turning it into quiet aggression. These include:

• Ability to think about consequences. They say that women are very emotional, first they scream, swear, and then begin to comprehend what they have done. But this is not an entirely correct judgment. Many representatives of the fairer sex react quite adequately in a critical situation for them. And they restrain their negative emotions, ready to burst from their lips with screams and curses. Because they understand that the consequences of such behavior can affect their, say, career. It’s better to restrain yourself and not “paraffinize” your boss, but express all the barbs against him in a narrow circle, when you are confident that these words will not cause undesirable consequences.
• Flattery. Someone famous said that “flattery is aggression on its knees.” If a person flatters a lot, it means he hates, but is afraid to say it openly, hiding his hatred under the guise of servility. This behavior is more common among women. Let's say she is afraid of the man with whom she has brought life together, and hides her true attitude towards him with excessive praise. In fact, she lives in a humble position.
• Humility. Excessive submissiveness has never been a good quality in either a man or a woman. A submissive person is like a doormat on which anyone can wipe their feet. This gives rise to aggression, which, due to the nature of the individual, cannot be expressed publicly. Nobel Prize winner writer Elias Canetti (1905-1994) coined the expression that “Whoever carries out the order needs some kind of compensation. Obedience breeds aggressiveness.”
• Eternal discontent. If a woman is dissatisfied with everything around her, she constantly condemns everyone and speaks about people with disdain. He disguises his aggression towards the outside world in negative statements.
• Flawed self-awareness. When any remark hurts a woman’s pride, the lady is capable of any bad deed, but she is afraid to do it openly, “no matter what happens.” Aggression turns into a quiet, completely harmless form, often hiding behind verbal “secret” attacks towards the offender.
• Dissatisfaction with yourself. She is dissatisfied with her actions, she understands this, but she cannot help herself. The accumulated irritation is vented on others, expressed towards them in an aggressive manner, but within the bounds of decency. It is not accompanied by screams, tears and beating of, say, dishes. This reassures and gives a false sense of superiority over your imaginary enemy.
• Jealousy. Let's say friends to a loved one. Or at work they praise a friend, not her. Envy arises, but you don’t want to openly break off the relationship. How will others react? On this basis, quiet aggression arises, which can be expressed in exaggerated praise of a girlfriend. Unfriendliness towards her is carefully hidden.
• Low self-esteem. From childhood, the girl was humiliated in her family and spoke poorly of her. She accepted this assessment of her personality and was afraid to openly oppose it. With age, the feeling of inferiority has firmly settled in the soul. The girl grew up insecure, fearful, deeply hiding the germs of aggression in her heart, considering the world to be cruel and unfair. Therefore, he condemns him in his statements.

Important to know! From a psychological point of view, passive aggression is useful. Since it is a kind of spiritual support point, which gives a hidden feeling of superiority over those who, wittingly or unwittingly, offend. However, you need to understand that this is typical for people who are physically and spiritually weak.

What to do if there is a passive aggressor nearby?

How to resist passive aggression if you know that, say, your friends treat you kindly in words, but sling mud at you behind your back? What should be done to avoid unpleasant communication with them, or maybe it is necessary to interrupt it forever? The advice here may be different.

In this case, the fight against passive aggression depends primarily on the awareness of the fact that in your environment there are people suffering from this mental defect. If this understanding comes, then a number of measures should be taken to get rid of the influence of these people. Let's say we talk to them frankly.

However, there may be another option when you yourself suffer from this disorder. And then what needs to be done, how to deal with passive aggression, so as not to disturb your own peace, your loved ones and acquaintances?

First of all, I need to figure out why this person gives me an unpleasant feeling. Who is to blame for this, perhaps I am giving him a reason to speak unflatteringly about me. Also, you should not judge other people for their actions if they do not affect you directly. “Who cares where the splashes go?” This means that it is not at all necessary to react nervously to something that does not affect you personally.

To know how to get rid of passive aggression, you need to understand that it is for the weak in spirit. Various psychological trainings on working on character, for example, on self-analysis and correction of one’s actions, will help here.

Envy is not the best advisor in life. An English proverb says that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” When they envy others, speaking angrily or unctuously about them, they destroy their own lives. Because any aggression, whether open or quiet, is the basis of destruction, not creation.

And we must remember that we should never destroy the joy of others. Even if it seems trivial to you. Let people rejoice if it gives them pleasure. And pouring your own “spoon” of causticism into someone else’s “barrel” of delight is evil. Such involuntary aggression, spoken even in a completely harmless manner, is the key to a bad relationship.

Passive aggressors are usually losers. No need to buy a ticket for the unlucky ones. You won't lead a good life like this.

What is passive aggression - watch the video:

Sigmund Freud said that “the other person is always an object for the gratification of his aggressiveness.” But this is for a morally immature person. Only spiritual work on yourself will help you avoid all the troubles associated with passive aggression.

What is passive aggression? Almost everyone has encountered it in their lives (and some regularly take it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed very, very rarely in our culture.

A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword. Just without the sword. (joke)

What is passive aggression? Almost everyone has encountered it in their lives (and some regularly take it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed very, very rarely in our culture. More often you can hear something like: “She has a bad character” or “He is an energy vampire: he doesn’t seem to do anything bad, but after communicating with him you feel very bad.” People usually don’t know that no esoteric things have anything to do with it, and no vampires are to blame. It's just that the person you're having such a hard time with actually treats you passive-aggressively on a regular basis.

Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed in a socially acceptable form, while the aggressor does not outwardly go beyond social norms.

(When I was looking for material for the article, I suddenly realized where exactly a lot of passive-aggressive reactions can be found: on forums where daughters-in-law complain about their mothers-in-law. And I collected a number of examples in the LJ community “mother-in-law-ru”). So, examples:

For Christmas my mother-in-law gave me a box with a jar of jam. When I opened the gift, she said that the jam was for all the guests, not just me, and she needed the box back.

During the wedding photo shoot, my mother-in-law turned to the photographer with a request to take a family photo - the four of us and without me. I was ready to simply kiss this small, bald man when he remarked: “Sorry, madam, but your family no longer includes only four. The bride must be present in every photo!”

My mother-in-law once gave me a Bible, a cross necklace, and a cookbook called "How to Cook Pork Chops" for my birthday. The card (with Jesus) said that she hoped I had changed my mind and she could save me. Did I mention I'm Jewish? I told her throughout the 7 years of our marriage that I did NOT plan to change my religion. Her husband told her not to worry about gifts anymore if she couldn't help but focus on religion. He added that he loved me and was thinking about converting to Judaism! He's not planning anything like that, but he wanted to rub it in her nose.

Every Christmas my mother-in-law gives me a broken candlestick. When I open the box we "discover" that the glass is broken. Each time the mother-in-law feigns surprise and takes the box to take it to the store and exchange it. The next year I receive the same gift.

The mother-in-law likes to give gifts in order to quarrel between her grandchildren. Last year[...] she gave the kids $35 and said the older two should get 12 and the youngest should get 11. All three of them looked at her like she was crazy, and of course we didn't let that happen.

My ex-husband's family exchanged gifts at Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and we went out of our way to buy gifts for everyone. In return they received very strange things, and always one gift per family. For example, a jar of M&M candies for everyone. This upset the children because all the children received their own gift, and ours received a jar of candy for the family. One day, each grandchild received a really nice gift, and ours received a little book worth 89 cents. That was the last time we went there.

My husband's stepmother came over while we were away and stole some potted flowers that were on my porch. Then she said that she did this because we didn’t give them anything for their wedding anniversary. I never received these flowers back. By the way, she never gave us anything for our anniversary.

It was difficult to even choose specific examples from the many stories: judging by the complaints of women, mothers-in-law are extremely inventive in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law. They interfere in the affairs of a young family (“I wish you well!”), give gifts bordering on offensive (and pretend that they didn’t mean anything like that), extort certain actions from their son and daughter-in-law (gratitude for a cheap trinket or so that they Definitely, DEFINITELY go on vacation there and as the in-laws say)…. Well, the classic: breaking into the young people’s room at every opportunity, even in the middle of the night (“I have things there, in the closet” or “I’ll just adjust the blanket on them - they sleep like doves!”). At the same time, it is noticeable that daughters-in-law (and sons) are not very happy with interference, unsolicited advice and gifts, moralizing and barbs. Because people fully feel that they were treated aggressively, an uninvited company was imposed on them, and personal boundaries were broken into.

Was there any aggression shown in these cases? Without a doubt. The daughters-in-law in all the stories cited were outraged, although they reacted differently (not everyone was led to a scandal).

Was aggression expressed openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: such an aggressor never crosses the boundaries of what is socially acceptable. After all, it’s customary to give gifts to relatives? Well, the mother-in-law will do it quite socially. Ah, the gift was unsuccessful - well, not all gifts are successful. But from the bottom of my heart, accompanied by “maternal advice.” (In fact, unsolicited - but also socially acceptable; after all, it is quite customary for an older woman to give good advice to an inexperienced and younger one).

That is, due to the fact that social norms were not grossly violated, it is difficult to find fault with a passive aggressor. But the victim, the victim understands perfectly well how they treated her! The victim is not happy and is not very easy to persuade: “Never mind, it’s okay.” She felt full-fledged aggression directed at her: she (or her children) were placed lower than others, an adult woman was treated like a childish fool, or, by distributing material values, she was demonstratively deprived of status. This is what it is – aggression, only expressed in a passive form.

How to recognize passive aggression?

Oh, when someone is passive aggressive towards you, you will notice it instantly. You may not have known this term before, but you will feel a painful prick. A passive aggressor usually is not rude and does not enter into open confrontation. He doesn’t raise his voice or start scandals himself, but conflict situations often flare up around him. For some reason, many people just want to be rude and yell at this innocent person. And even after short-term communication with such a person, you want to take your soul away - it becomes so unpleasant and difficult, your mood deteriorates so much.

Such people often themselves know that there are many “ill-wishers” or simply bad, malicious people around them. The passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate being mistreated and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who won’t “send” it back).

Passive-aggressive people do not demand anything - they complain and reproach; they don’t ask - they hint casually (so that they won’t find fault later). They are never to blame for their troubles - well, at least they don’t believe it themselves. Others are necessarily to blame, evil fate, a bad education system, “everything in this country is structured this way,” etc. (By the way: one of the effective methods of psychotherapy is to gradually bring a person with passive-aggressive behavior to an awareness of how he himself and his actions influence the reactions of others.

In fact, most often it turns out that this is not a person surrounded by malicious, stupid scum, but ordinary, normal people for some reason are not happy when receiving a dose of passive aggression. But it’s usually not easy to get to this point, and “psychologically treating” people without their direct request is also, by the way, a form of mild aggression, so please don’t try to “re-educate” anyone with the best intentions, okay?).

Here is a short list of manifestations of passive aggression:

They do not speak directly about their desires and needs (they hint or silently expect others to understand them without words). They will never say openly what they like and what they don’t - you always have to guess. They say about such people: “you can’t please him”;

They are not the first to start a scandal, although they often provoke it;

In especially severe cases, they can even start a “guerrilla war” against the one who is ill-wishing - gossip, plot against the unsuspecting “offender”;

They often break their obligations: they promise and then don’t fulfill them, they sabotage, they masterfully shirk. The point here is that the passive-aggressive person was initially against it and did not want to do what was agreed upon with him, but he could not say “no”. So he said “yes” and simply did nothing. And I didn’t intend to right away;

They are often late: this is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where you didn’t want to go;

What is promised is often postponed for a long time under a variety of pretexts. They do it reluctantly, poorly and at the very last moment. Yes, by the way, procrastination, which is fashionable today, can also be a form of passive aggression;

Often unproductive, they use the so-called. “Italian strike” - that is, they seem to be doing it, but there is still no result. This is another way to indirectly say: “I don’t like this, I don’t want to do this!”, without entering into open conflict;

By the way, passive-aggressive individuals often have a reputation as unreliable people who cannot be relied upon - precisely because of the above characteristics;

They gossip, complain about others (behind their backs), and get offended. They are often indignant and dissatisfied that those around them behave badly, the world is unfair, the state is structured incorrectly, the bosses are clueless, they are under terrible pressure at work and are not appreciated, etc. They see the cause of their troubles externally and do not connect them in any way with their own actions. They reproach others for unreasonable demands, for the authorities’ injustice towards them, for the fact that their efforts are not appreciated (they especially love to blame and pour contempt on authorities of any rank behind their backs);

Critical and sarcastic. They reach great heights in their ability to “put down” a person with one poisonous word and devalue his achievements or good intentions. They actively criticize and practically do not praise - since this will allow the other to “gain power” by learning what the passive-aggressive person likes or does not like;

They masterfully avoid direct discussions of problems. “Punished” with silence. They stubbornly do not explain why they are offended, but non-verbally make it clear that the offense is strong and it will not be easy to atone for it. They provoke the interlocutor to express dissatisfaction and take the first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it was not the passive-aggressive person who started it, which means that it is not he who is to blame, but the opponent);

During open disputes, the passive-aggressive person gets personal, recalls the old things, finds something to blame the opponent for, and tries to the last to shift the blame onto others;

Under the guise of caring, they behave as if the other person is disabled, stupid, inferior, etc. (a classic example is when a daughter-in-law finishes cleaning the apartment and discovers that her mother-in-law is crawling with a rag, wiping the newly washed floor. In response to the young woman’s surprised questions, the mother-in-law carefully says: “Oh, baby, don’t worry about it, it’s just customary for us to the house was clean.” Naturally, after such a manifestation of passive aggression, the daughter-in-law will quietly fly into a rage, but it is not customary to be rude to a polite tone and ostentatious “concern” - well, that means there will be a scandal in the young family in the evening).

Where does this come from? The Origins of Passive Aggression

Like almost all personality traits, passive aggression comes from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one of the parents (or both) was unpredictable and domineering, it is difficult for him to express his demands, wishes, and indignations. This gives rise to an underlying feeling of danger, severe anxiety.

If a child is punished for displaying anger or assertiveness, he learns to achieve his goals in roundabout ways, and not to express disagreement and anger outwardly, but to show it in passive ways.

For example, on one of the forums, while discussing passive-aggressive behavior, a participant stated: “Oh, it was exactly like that in my family! It was dangerous for us to be indignant and not only demand something, but also ask for it - mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, punish me... I remember that even to get a tape recorder for the New Year, I didn’t ask my parents, but built complex schemes: how with hints and circumstance, to make them guess...” In fact, such a child grows up in conditions where open resistance is impossible (due to economic and physical dependence on parents), and usually masterfully masters the skills of “guerrilla warfare.”

Passive-aggressive people are sure that the world is a dangerous place, and that opening up in it and trusting people is more expensive for themselves. And if others find out what exactly frightens you, angers you, or is especially desirable, then they will also gain control over you. Control games are another form of passive aggression. To demand or ask something from another means to expose yourself, to show your weakness, dependence. This means that people can play on your desires (and the world, according to passive-aggressive people, is hostile and fighting it is deadly). Therefore, to openly want something or directly refuse something means giving control over your life to someone else’s hands. Therefore, passive-aggressive people do not directly express their desires, but answer “yes” to any other person’s request, after which they become gloomy, angry inside themselves and do not do it, making the excuse of forgetfulness and the fact that they “didn’t have time.”

By the way, I note that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: it is girls who are more often stopped from displaying stubbornness, energy and anger. Therefore, many women grow up confident that if they are “correct, truly feminine” (delicate, always sweet, non-assertive), they will definitely “come to them and bring everything.” And if they don’t, then you’re doing something wrong, for example, you’re brazenly demanding a lot; a loving man must figure it out himself and please his beloved woman; and her job is to gradually lead him to the right idea. If you can’t put your desires into another person’s head, then suffer in silence, like a partisan, and let your loved one listen: “figure it out for yourself,” “is it really not clear,” “if you loved me, you would know,” and “do as Want". Yes, this is also a hidden struggle for power and games of control; if you openly say: “Do me such and such, I want it,” then you can hear a direct refusal (“Not now, I don’t have time”), and even, having received what you want, make sure that it is not happiness brought. And what does it mean that whoever demanded it is himself to blame? No, it’s better to hint, get (or not get) what you want, and if there is no satisfaction, then all the blame is on the one who read the thoughts incorrectly.

Numerous courses today “How to become a feminine woman” often provoke and support the development of a passive-aggressive personality in their students. In courses with the typical title “become desirable in a weekend,” they teach: a woman cannot, in no way, take initiative - you need to be gentle, helpless, alluring, and everything in your life will work out right on its own. After all, when a strong and active man sees that a feminine woman is suffering, unable to get something she needs, he will definitely understand everything and will do everything for you, get it and give it to you! But doing something yourself: demanding, achieving, giving up unnecessary things, asking and taking care of yourself on your own - is under no circumstances possible. Well, this is unfeminine! So either suffer for what you didn’t bring, or twist the hands of those around you: hint, gradually lead to your idea, “create conditions.” In general, passive aggression is what it is.

What to do if you meet a passive-aggressive type on your way?

Firstly, it is worth knowing that a passive-aggressive person provokes others, but does not start a conflict himself. Do not succumb to provocations - your “explosion of emotions” will not help clarify the relationship, but will only give you a reputation as a brawler in the eyes of others. Take your soul elsewhere, complain to friends and family, but do not give such a gift to the passive-aggressive person, do not show yourself to be “bad” and “scandalous.” Do not trust a passive-aggressive person with your secrets and information that could harm you if disclosed.

Call what is happening and your feelings by your own names. Don't blame the other person, just say, "When such and such happens, I usually get upset." For example: “When the whole department leaves for lunch and forgets to call me, I feel sad.” There is no need to blame (“you do it on purpose!”), no need to generalize (“you always!”). Tell us about your feelings, how sad and bad you feel. The passive-aggressive person himself is afraid as hell of being blamed for other people’s troubles, and it’s better for those around him to know that for you it’s not “nothing happened,” but something upsetting.

Do not expect that such a person will understand you and re-educate you (even if you retell this article to him). Most likely, this will not happen on its own. Passive-aggressive individuals usually do not come to psychotherapy because there is something wrong with them: usually they complain about bad people around them (who, of course, are to blame for everything), or about other psychological problems (for example, depression) , or they are forced to appear by loved ones who cannot bear to live together. published