This fun, humorous horoscope for today according to the zodiac signs can be used every day. Open this page every morning and good mood for the whole day guaranteed in full!
And for everyone who believes in happiness, we recommend reading our happy eastern horoscope by year of birth with recommendations from astrologers and poets. All our serious and funny horoscopes were written specifically for the “Favorite Holiday” website. Share them with friends, put links, but respect our authors - do not reprint our horoscopes. Thank you.
Cool, fun horoscope for today for Aries
Be active and decisive.
First, try doing some exercise.
So that your work does not go in vain, remember: if people are valued by their work, then a horse is better than any person.
Cool, fun horoscope for today for Taurus
Be careful. Before you do anything, think it through.
Measure seven times and only then cut eight times.
The seventy-first time you will succeed.
The stars do not advise kissing your secretary in the presence of your wife.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Gemini
New things await you.
Remember: even the stupidest idea can be executed masterfully.
And don't be afraid to do what you don't know how to do.
After all, the ark was built by amateurs. Professionals built the Titanic.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Cancer
Life is good... hic... Repeat this, spreading red caviar on the bread in a thick layer. Or black.
But don’t rush to pour vodka.
Remember: alcohol is a time machine.
I drank and it's tomorrow.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Leo
Talk less, listen more.
It’s better to remain silent and grunt with pleasure.
Your income will be higher than your expenses. Because there will be no expenses at all.
Get a piggy bank and grunt together.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Virgo
You will be thrown from one extreme to another.
First, the boss will call you on the carpet and scream like a pack of crocodiles.
In five minutes, he will offer you the position that you have been seeking for a long time.
Agree!
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Cool, non-boring horoscope for today for Libra
You will be on horseback.
Everyone else will probably have to travel on foot.
You may feel out of place.
The stars advise you to break the plate, get off the horse, break the plate, get off the horse and finally exchange it... for a bicycle.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Scorpio
You will have a romantic date.
Enjoy, forgetting about everything in the world....
When Sveta starts getting ready to go home, pretend to be asleep.
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Cool, non-boring horoscope for today for Sagittarius
Your mood will jump.
From TV to cabinet, from cabinet to table.
Try to catch him anyway.
Stand somewhere in the corner and ask: “Kolis! Who are you working for?!”
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Capricorn
Your sixth sense will not let you down. It will say: "Enough!"
The other five senses will fail.
They will say something absurd, but you will understand them.
Because after the fifth glass a Russian person is able not only to understand Chinese, but also forgive him.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Aquarius
Everything will be given to you with ease.
Even a visit to the dentist.
At first you will be very afraid. Then it turns out that his drill is broken.
But don’t relax and remember: if you are happy for more than one day, it means they are hiding something from you.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Pisces
A creative upsurge lies ahead of you.
Stock up on climbing equipment in advance.
Already stocked up?.. Then full speed ahead!
To conquer the next height!... Just don’t shout later” “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawonsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss]
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The ringleader and the provocateur. This is exactly the one scary man, who takes half the office to the bar on Fridays, and then the frightened wives and husbands of his colleagues catch the latter in parks, other people's apartments or the next bars. What about Aries? But nothing - his job was to start and quit, and if they got so wound up, that’s their problem)
“Where have you taken us, Hero Susanin? “Leave me alone guys, this is my first time here...” - a situation typical for Aries, especially during travel, vacations and vacations. Moreover, Aries often leaves it to others to get out of the situation, claiming to be sick/tired/suddenly dull, etc.
Aries, by the way, are one of those who consider the argument “I was drunk” to be quite weighty and understandable for the majority “ normal people”, and what’s interesting is that he is often excused for this, although then they think for a long time - what happened?
It's simple - childlike spontaneity. For this, you will forgive Aries everything - including the fact that he brought you to the wrong place or at the wrong time, disappeared, got drunk, brought strangers, or even forgot you at the station at the beginning of the journey)
But then, having extricated yourself from all these stories, you will remember the antics of Aries with pleasure, especially when twenty years have passed and you will be sitting by a warm stove in complete safety. After all, you will always have something to remember if you have ever vacationed in the company of an Aries. And it doesn’t matter whether he was there or not)
Taurus
Well, for starters, you can’t just rest. Before that, you must definitely work your ass off, present your labor achievements in a detailed form to yourself, colleagues, relatives, the Lord God and in general everyone who comes across), so that the whole world knows - Taurus has earned his rest and has the right to it!
But here the question of preparing for the holiday arises. And even if it’s just a day off, you need to think through the menu, select the appropriate music/cinema/book, finally change the curtains (and at the same time wash the windows, change the linen, wash everything), lift everyone’s spirits (yourself too), then... If you have time and energy left)
With his ceremony, Taurus can drive everyone who is ready to relax with him into a white heat. “It’s better not to put shoes there, there is a special spoon for this dish, be sure to pass the fruit dish to your neighbor, oh, you crumpled the tablecloth, I’ll fix it now,” etc. In general, if you live with a Taurus, sometimes it’s easier to lock yourself in the bathroom to relax. Then you can behave indecently for your own pleasure)
Taurus begins to plan vacations and celebrations ahead of time. After all, you need to take everything into account: think through the menu... (in general, you already understand, I think). But if it comes to vacation at all, then I assure you, it will be the best and highest quality vacation in the entire Zodiac! But sometimes it happens like in that joke about two Estonians: “— Nice holiday New Year, yes?” - “Yes, but sexual intercourse is better” - “Yes, but New Year’s Eve more often”)
Twins
In general, if you want to go or travel somewhere, then it is better not to enter into an argument with them, but to gently drag them by the hand in the direction you need. All the same, it will not be ideal, but Libra will not want to admit that their life is not ideal, and therefore they will try to pass off the real as ideal and honestly be happy about it)
Scorpion
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Cool horoscopes based on zodiac signs seem funny only at first glance. In fact, they are remembered much more clearly - after all, the joke itself “sinks” into memory. You can amuse your friends with a witty response in an unexpected situation. Or you can take a closer look at yourself and your loved ones - to once again make sure that astrology is truly a truthful and accurate science.
And with the help of cool horoscopes it will be easy for you to study astrology and delve into its basics. And you don’t need to memorize anything or get it into your head on purpose. Just read comic horoscopes and compare them with the behavior of your friends. Very soon everything will fall into place in your head, and you will always know what to expect from others and what they expect from you. By the way, this is called “insight.” And all thanks to the fact that you just love reading funny horoscopes!
Start with a simple example. Find out which horoscopes do they prefer? different signs Zodiac- and check yourself and your friends.
Aries most often looking for obscene horoscope. So what? What else to have fun with friends over a bottle of beer. It especially bothers him when he is not reviled too much, but everyone else is reviled in full.
Taurus treats horoscopes without much trust and never allows them to influence his life. But the financial and monetary horoscope sometimes still reads. But only to once again be convinced that he was right.
Twins absorb all horoscopes that meet in their stormy life path. They forget them in exactly a minute - for this reason they don’t believe in them.
Cancers, having read something offensive or unpleasant to themselves, they may become offended by all horoscopes in general. They prefer neutral horoscopes: floral, fashion, horoscopes of pets and peoples of the world.
Lion accepts only those horoscopes that glorify him. If you read aloud to him, just skip the “inconvenient” parts, and his favorable attitude is guaranteed.
Virgo Actually, he doesn’t believe in horoscopes, but he will read the medical horoscope very carefully. If the recommendations are reasonable, then Virgo will put them into practice, and if they seem nonsense to her, then she will discard them with indignation.
Scales love love and romantic horoscopes. But most of all they like horoscopes of compatibility between zodiac signs. After reading them, they are no longer able to choose a partner for themselves - it becomes impossible to make a decision due to large quantity factors.
Scorpios First of all, they look at sexual and erotic horoscopes. They read them quite carefully, memorizing everything well. They will then definitely try the information received on their partners.
Sagittarius They love funny horoscopes, with good humor or unusual comparisons. However, horoscopes do not stay in their heads for long. And they often understand them in their own way - to their advantage.
Capricorn reads horoscopes in order to criticize them. He will look for all the inconsistencies and enjoy it. In the end, he will prove to himself and everyone that all this is complete nonsense, and one must only be guided by common sense.
Aquarius reads horoscopes from time to time and selectively remembers them. He especially appreciates humorous horoscopes with caustic jokes. He then likes to quote them at the most inappropriate—from your point of view—moments.
Fish They believe in everything - in omens, in signs and, of course, in horoscopes. They stick to what they write so fanatically that they implement everything they read. Naturally, for them the horoscopes are one hundred percent correct.
copying is prohibited
Nowadays it is hardly possible to find a person who has not read horoscopes. But in our age of science, not everyone trusts astrology, although in many ways it turns out to be accurate. But the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs may well interest even the most hardened skeptics. You can pass the time by reading humorous horoscopes, have fun in company, and even learn the basics of astrology. A light humorous form, aptly emphasizing the main qualities of each sign, is quite helpful in this interesting matter.
Aries
All cool characteristics The signs of the zodiac agree on one thing: you won’t be able to find a more stubborn debater than this capricious and stubborn lamb.
Aries hates everyday routine, but he will be happy to hang around and give out his innovative ideas incessantly. It's almost impossible to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But there is one little trick. Say that the other person will do it better. At this point, Aries will smash itself into pieces to prove its leadership and superiority.
The fiery nature of Aries is marked by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. In terms of the time that this person is willing to spend on conquering the object of his passion, he has no equal. A ram, he is also a ram in Africa, going straight through the jungle. Aries in this matter can even be called a rocket - he acts instantly, assertively, and it is simply unrealistic to get rid of his advances. “You are attractive, I am damn attractive, so why waste time” - this is his motto in love.
Taurus
Here he is, a worthy competitor to Aries in terms of stubbornness. This will be confirmed to you not only by ordinary horoscopes, but also by any funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Moreover, to the enviable tenacity comes as a “bonus” fierce conservatism. Try to get a Taurus to throw out some of the outdated household trash and you will understand. Whether it’s a damaged CD, a notebook left over from school, or torn sneakers, it doesn’t matter. For him, all these things are valuable. And Taurus are also terrible bores: listening to their endless teachings, you can not only fall asleep, but also snore.
Representatives of this constellation are closed individuals. It's easier to talk to a wall than to talk to a Taurus. At least you'll hear a hum when you knock on it. In the case of Taurus, the afterlife silence and ringing silence will remain.
Taurus's attitude towards love is the same as towards things - the more money and time he spent pursuing you, the more valuable you will be to him. And don’t expect originality in courtship - Taurus’s conservatism also extends to amorous matters.
Twins
They are easy in deeds and thoughts. The twins are from that breed of people who will advocate “for any kind of kipish, except a hunger strike.” As noted by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, in terms of date of birth and character, these individuals fully correspond to eccentric individuals who have things running through their heads. the whole company winds.
Gemini's love of chatter is truly catastrophic for those who are not Geminis themselves. They can not stop talking for many hours, completely oblivious to the reactions of others. It seems that even at his own wake, Gemini will rise from the coffin and tell the fainting guests a suitable anecdote on the topic.
The laziness of these individuals is as legendary as their conversational skills. Due to the reluctance to delve into a topic and study it for a long time, they superficially describe this or that phenomenon, picking up a little of everything. The ideal profession for them is one that will help them earn a million instantly and without unnecessary movements. Oh yes, Geminis need a lot of money, because they spend it as easily and naturally as they chat on the phone.
Cancer
The natures are intelligent, soft and romantic, even if they look like a stale loaf, a brutal lout or an uncouth hillbilly. When watching non-children's films of an erotic nature, they always secretly hope that in the end the main characters will get married.
A funny characterization of the zodiac signs compares Cancers to their namesakes from the animal world. Like them, representatives of this constellation, if they take a careful step forward, then immediately run back. They are indecisive types who, because of their caution, are afraid to even change - you never know what’s on the other person’s mind.
It is undesirable to joke sparklingly in the presence of Cancer, because these people are sentimental and can get upset even because of light humor directed at them or their loved ones. Satire about animals is a strict taboo. They would rather survive an earthquake and tsunami than endure dark humor about unfortunate dogs and cats. You should also joke about love affairs more carefully and preferably in a romantic way - then Cancer will tell the story that amused him to everyone for a long time.
Lion
The one and only He is proud and majestic, even if he finds himself locked in a zoo cage. The wild cries of nearby animals do not interest him - he is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. If we consider the main characteristics of the zodiac signs, the funny description highlights the royalty of this person, whose arrogance, it seems, no trouble can knock down.
What is good for Leo himself is not very fun and pleasant for his loved ones, because he requires treatment worthy of his status. In his opinion, those around him should be glad that His Highness is nearby. The lion's aura is capable of eclipsing everything around with its radiance, painting even a muddy swamp with all the colors of the rainbow.
However, sometimes the whirlpool of events that Leo generates around himself may end up with something completely different from what he would like. What can you do, such is the strength of the royal will. Do you want to recognize a Leo in your environment? Listen to the manner of conversation: the use of the pronoun “I” by this type will exceed all possible limits. Not such a bad quality in our age for a person who wants to make a dizzying career, would you agree?
Virgo
A true proof that appearances can be deceiving are the representatives of this constellation. It would seem that when we hear the word “virgin” our imagination pictures us of a sweet, fragile and vulnerable creature who sits at home doing needlework. Astrologers who compose the characteristics of the zodiac signs disagree with this idea. The funny irony of fate is that in reality things are “a little” different. Instead of a sensitive friend, a supporter during difficult times, a comrade-in-arms in all endeavors, Virgo could easily turn out to be... a serial killer. Yes, yes, statistics claim that most maniacs were born under this zodiac sign (what else can you expect from such neat and tidy people?).
Virgo can easily use her ability to adapt to the environment and always be an emphatically polite and correct person to achieve the desired goal. Before you even have time to blink an eye, she’s already sitting right hand from the director. But he will never show sympathy to the object of his love until he is convinced of the reciprocity of feelings and prospects. But then, even having received a refusal, he will wait patiently: suddenly something will change.
Scales
Whatever the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, over the years and months they all precisely determine one thing: this sign fully lives up to its name. Libra people are constantly in search of mental balance, and therefore do not pay any attention to the material world. Let someone else deal with everyday problems, be it cooking, washing or cleaning, while Libra has more sublime things to do.
People of this sign are always thrown into different sides. Quickly fired up by a new idea, everyone available resources they will give it their all to make it happen. They will involve a lot of people and create an event of national scale, but halfway through they will get tired of it all. They will quietly move away, leaving others to clean up the mess they have made.
Libra's inconstancy also extends to love affairs. Moreover, this state is so familiar to them that after betrayal they will not even be tormented by their conscience. They are not at all attempting to destroy the family, but they are having an affair. This means they are worthy of forgiveness.
Scorpion
These are real poisonous infections. Funny characteristics of the zodiac signs in poetry and prose glorify their ability to break the hearts of everyone who comes within sight. We must thank for this the natural charm of Scorpios and their ability to seduce. This sign has the ability to constantly fall in love with someone, and every time “to the grave.” The object of attention will immediately be confronted with this fact. It’s unlikely that you will be able to get away from Scorpio’s original advances, and you won’t even want to - he is a subtle psychologist and will certainly be able to find a path to the heart of his beloved (or lover).
Scorpios are leaders from birth and are smart beyond their years. If a representative of this sign has chosen a goal for himself, then no matter how difficult it is to achieve, he will go towards it with fundamental stubbornness. And even if you have to destroy everything that gets in your way, this will not stop Scorpio. But build new world after the chaos caused, he will be just as enthusiastic.
Sagittarius
People of this zodiac sign always achieve their goals, even if this does not happen right away. A funny description of the zodiac signs advises looking at their symbol: everything will immediately become clear. Only if others get what they want thanks to perseverance and hard work, Sagittarius is helped in this by a fair wind, which directs the fired arrows exactly to the bull's eye.
By nature, Sagittarians are true philanthropists. They are always trying to take pity on everyone and feed the suffering (and it doesn’t matter what the recipients themselves think). Their motto is “who else but me?” Employers take advantage of this. Well, Sagittarius won’t mind if you load him with a lot of work. You just need to hint that it is very important for the company that everything gets done. And how exactly - Sagittarius himself will be able to find a way.
But you shouldn’t openly offend Sagittarius. No, they are not vindictive at all, just evil, and they have an excellent memory. They will remind you of all the misunderstandings starting with kindergarten. And, in general, they will easily speak the truth to your face, at the risk of getting punched in your own face.
Capricorn
This is a pendulum man who always balances between two extremes, as stated by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Children of this sign are characterized by adult seriousness and thoroughness. Capricorn does not part with these qualities even in old age. He throws himself headlong into work, as if into a pool, and it will be simply unrealistic to get him out. He will spend all his soul and physical strength even for a task that is obviously impossible. However, if Capricorn is impatient to go on a spree, then he will devote himself completely to this activity, having uncontrollable fun until complete degradation. It is possible to save him from a sad fate only if he manages to divert attention to something more interesting.
Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If he is convinced that everyone around him is a creeping bastard who has come to success over his head or through his bed, then even if he has a stake on his head, he still won’t be convinced.
Aquarius
Verbose spills out of Aquarius like water from a tap. If anyone is able to withstand this flow for a long time and even be an interesting conversationalist, it’s Gemini. Perhaps we can still argue who will talk to whom in the end.
Love for Aquarius is, first of all, romance: walks under the moon, seeing the dawn. Get ready to conquer ancient ruins shrouded in secrets with him - this is an indispensable attribute of courtship for him. According to the cool characteristics of the zodiac signs, such a person has no equal in poetry and serenades. Aquarius women are accustomed to following the dictates of their hearts. If it tells you that you should be together, wait for her on the doorstep with your suitcases.
What do Aquarians value most? Of course, They are ready to build a three-meter wall around themselves, as long as no one touches them, if they want to be alone. And no siege will help - Aquarius did required stock cookies and will live for a long time and not bother in his cozy little world.
Fish
If anyone is capable of creating an alternative fictional reality out of nothing for themselves and those around them, it is Pisces. Moreover, for them the fantasy world will be as real as our usual one. They can easily convince anyone of this. Baron Munchausen, for example, according to the characteristics of the zodiac signs, is an inexperienced and timid fry, a faded egg.
Ask this person for anything - to water flowers in your absence, to write a diploma for you - he will certainly hurt himself, but will fulfill the request. He's such an altruist, there's nothing you can do about it. In love, Pisces are shy and cautious; they will beat around the bush for a long time before taking a step forward. “Vanilla” is about them: sad sighs, touching gifts, awkwardness and tears at night, and, most importantly, all thoughts are only about him (or her). So if you are ready to take the Pisces who is in love with you and lead her by the elbow in the right direction (and then kick her forward for the rest of her life), go for it.
Each holiday is good and interesting in its own way. But usually at any holiday it all comes down to the fact that almost 99% of the attention is paid to the hero of the occasion: the hero of the day or the newlyweds or the birthday boy. What about the guests? They came to have fun and have fun! We haven't forgotten about them, and have prepared an interesting game block: a comic astrological forecast for guests at the anniversary. This forecast can be presented in different ways. The most obvious option is for an astrologer to come out and read out his forecast for each guest or zodiac sign. A gypsy can also come out, but here questions arise - where is the gypsy so smart that she understands astrology? Therefore, a gypsy would not be very appropriate in such a block. The third option is reading astrological forecast the presenter himself. This is in case it is not possible to make a scene with changing clothes. There may be other options, but they are not so obvious. How to display this number is up to you. Below we will provide you with some humorous predictions that you can use on anniversaries.
Comic horoscope 1.
First option comic horoscope written by the guests themselves. Everything here is quite simple, but interesting. Everyone knows a game called missing adjectives. And in this game we will skip the names of the guests. You need to come up with a forecast that does not include names. Then, at the celebration, you ask the hero of the day to take turns calling out the names of all the guests who are present at the celebration. And enter the names into the forecast one by one. Next, read out what happened.
Example of a letter with guest names missing:
“Today (the date of the anniversary, the stars predict for us a great festive evening! It will end differently for everyone, but everyone will be happy. At 19 o’clock Jupiter will eclipse the sun and at this time (guest’s name) will go to rest under the table. Two minutes later, when the sun will emerge from under the shadow of Jupiter (guest's name) and join the vacationer under the table.
At 19.25 the moon will appear in the sky. At that very moment (guest's name) with the words - I'm going to sleep! – falls face first into a plate of salad. When it appears in the sky Ursa Minor, then (guest's name) will begin to look for a warm place to rest and will find it on the large and cozy chest of (guest's name).
As soon as the clock strikes 20 o'clock, a musical break will begin. And (guest's name) will be the first to go out onto the dance floor and show a master class. After his dance (name of guest) shouting - Bravo! – will run onto the stage and perform a wild dance with elements of striptease. When (guest's name) sees this, he will scream - oh my God! This is the best thing I've seen in my life!
In twenty minutes. When the big bear appears in the sky, the dancing guests will calm down and sit down in their seats. At the same time (guest's name) will shout loudly - I demand the continuation of the banquet! - He will drink a glass of vodka and carefully lay his head on the table, as if on a pillow.
The evening will end with all the stars appearing in the sky, and under their influence (guest’s name) and (guest’s name) will sing a duet song - Mom Luda, come on, come on, come on! And the rest of the guests will film them on their phones to show the clip tomorrow morning and make fun of them!”
Here's an option you can try. You can change the text or come up with your own. It is important to remember here that all people are different, and if you know that someone might be offended, then it is better not to include their name in the forecast.
Comic forecast 2.
The following forecast is for guests the morning after the holiday. This forecast is called the hangover forecast!
And so, dear guests! A moment's attention. Today we all go out and have fun. But none of you thinks about the consequences, doesn’t think about what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning. But our astrologer already knows everything, and will tell you what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning.
Aries - the morning will start very badly for you. Approaching the mirror, you will see that your rounded horns have straightened and are preventing you from going through the doors.
Taurus - don’t think that if you drank before the holiday activated carbon, then everything will be fine with you. You will see this coal again, and you will understand that everything is very bad.
Gemini – don’t be surprised, but in the morning you will wake up with a person who is exactly like you!
Cancers - and you will learn to quickly crawl backwards from each glass, remembering this evening and your screams - pour it, drink it!
Leos - in the morning you will make such a roar that your neighbors will each bring you bottles of cold mineral water.
Virgos – don’t go to the mirror in the morning. Otherwise, you risk not recognizing yourself and fainting out of fear.
Libra - tomorrow morning will begin with you weighing and figuring out how much you can drink normal person, and how much you drank.
Scorpio – as soon as you wake up, you will immediately have a hangover. Otherwise, you will sting everyone with your sting all day long.
Sagittarius – it’s better to leave money in advance for tomorrow. Otherwise, you will shoot them at passers-by for a hangover.
Capricorns - a surprise awaits you in the morning - you will have new horns.
Aquarius - in the morning you will have guests who will want to continue the banquet with you.
Pisces - and you will be ashamed of this evening and your behavior. All tomorrow you will be silent, like a fish.
Horoscope 3.
And this horoscope is the shortest in the world! But this makes it even funnier and the guests will definitely like it. And so, let's look:
Horoscope 4.
And this is a rather bold horoscope, it is erotic! But nevertheless, it’s funny and the guests will like it. So that this horoscope goes off with a bang. Do this:
- name your zodiac sign and guests under this sign come to you. Romantic music turns on, they dance, and then you read out the horoscope:
Horoscope 5.
And another horoscope - alcoholic!
The same can be done in a special way. You name the zodiac sign and the guests under that sign stand up. They pour glasses and you read out their horoscope, after which these guests drink. It turns out interesting and funny:
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