Mikhail Labkovsky can currently be attributed not only to professional psychologists, but also to the most popular media personalities. Of his more than thirty years of professional experience, he has been conducting sessions for two decades not only traditional methods communication with the patient in the office, but also consults in live television and radio broadcasts.
The high rating of Labkovsky's programs, sold-out lectures that he gives abroad - all this allows us to speak about the high professionalism of Mikhail Alexandrovich. Many claim that public communication with this specialist can radically improve their lives, and that in the course of a quick impromptu dialogue with Labkovsky they received much more best results than during lengthy and repeated consultations. At the same time, the statements of the popular psychologist are in many ways at odds with the traditional rules that are usually instilled in childhood, and to a certain extent one can discern a fair amount of selfishness and anarchy in them. However, Mikhail Labkovsky is convinced that he has become aware of the recipe for how to become happy and successful.
The famous psychologist prefers not to detail the details of his biography. He is a native Muscovite, born in 1961 (June 17). In Mikhail’s own words, his childhood and youth could not be called serene. Therefore, the choice of specialty as a psychologist after graduating from school was dictated not so much by interest in this profession, but by the desire to solve my own problems. In addition to the disciplines officially taught at the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University, Mikhail independently began to understand the basics of psychoanalysis, which in those years was not yet officially recognized. Deal with your complexes young man succeeded, and he realized that he could help others with this. After defending his diploma, he was assigned to the position of a school psychologist and collaborated with several educational institutions. Labkovsky, in particular, worked at the capital’s school No. 1543, which became famous thanks to the film “A Tender Age.” The script of this film is based on true events that became known to director Solovyov from his son, who studied at this educational institution and subsequently played the main character.
Mikhail Labkovsky got married and had a daughter, Irina. However, it turned out that the fundamentals of psychoanalysis that he professionally mastered did not always fit the real family life, and periods of estrangement between close people were not uncommon. The psychologist decided to master new, more advanced techniques. He moved to Israel, where he took another course in psychology and received an international degree. At the same time, Mikhail began working with troubled teenagers in the Jerusalem City Colony. A contingent of this educational institution were minors different nationalities with major behavioral problems. Rarely a day in the colony passed without conflicts, which often took on a dangerous character. It was at this time that Labkovsky understood the main mistake of traditional psychology, which claims that a person’s character cannot be changed as he grows up. In his daily work he often succeeded.
The next step professional growth for Mikhail it was receiving legal education. He needed this to specialize in international family law. After which Labkovsky became an employee of the Family Mediation service, specializing in divorce proceedings, and accompanied the spouses’ negotiations on the division of property and child custody.
Having gained a lot of experience practical work, Mikhail returned to Moscow. Realizing how important the role of psychological and legal support for divorce processes is, he created his own consultation, specializing in the intricacies of marriage contracts, reaching settlement agreements, protecting the interests of children, etc. similar problems. In addition, Mikhail Labkovsky began to appear frequently on various radio stations, and since 2004 he became the permanent presenter of Echo of Moscow. His programs, especially “Adults about Adults,” aroused great interest among listeners. Currently, the psychologist is actively working in social networks, gives lectures, constantly hosts programs on “Silver Rain” and the “Culture” channel.
Labkovsky’s original form of work is public consultations with listeners on their psychological problems. He is distinguished by brilliant improvisation, a sense of humor and an accurate insight into the essence of the problem, the solution to which he gives examples from life - both his own and those of public people. His recommendations are practical, focused on a specific listener, and the questions that the psychologist asks allow us to understand the problem no worse than his answers. Listeners claim that Labkovsky’s technique allows them to change their lives, as well as family relationships in better side without radical personality transformations and high costs.
So what is the secret of the success of Labkovsky’s technique? It was formulated in the form of six basic rules, which are based on very simple principle: a person must first think about himself. Contrary to popular belief, suffering does not ennoble or elevate the soul; it only brings aggression into consciousness, gives rise to neuroses and fears, fetters actions and depresses consciousness. True happiness comes to a person only if he does what he likes and what he has a desire for, and not when he is urged on by the words “I must” and “I can’t.”
The formation of a harmonious personality is based on love, first of all, for oneself, including one’s imperfections. You don’t need to love all of humanity, including your enemies - this feeling is given only to those who, in turn, answer you in kind. We should not forget that no one has ever managed to earn love by bending under someone else. A family that is based only on a sense of duty, obligations to observe traditions and conform to social stereotypes inevitably gives rise to neuroses and complexes not only in spouses, but also in their children. There is only one way to stop walking in this vicious circle - to love yourself, your desires, not to give in and not to have complexes about not conforming to established stereotypes.
According to Labkovsky himself, adherence to these rules and principles allowed him to correct the shortcomings of his past and enjoy own life to the fullest.
The “Direct Speech” lecture hall begins a series of events in 2016 and in January invites family psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, one of the most sought-after and expensive specialists in Moscow, to lectures and consultations.
Many of you may have listened to his programs on radio “Echo of Moscow” or read texts in “Snob”, and on January 30 and 31 all Londoners will have the opportunity to listen to Labkovsky in person and ask questions. It is also possible to schedule a personal consultation with him. Topics of Mikhail's London speeches: .
Mikhail Labkovsky wrote an essay about self-esteem especially for Russian Gap.
Attention! We increase self-esteem!
I don’t even know if there are still people in the world who doubt that absolutely everything in life depends on how a person treats himself. I have been practicing for 30 years and continue to be convinced of this every day.
Neither our appearance, nor any of the most remarkable abilities and talents affect the attitude of people and the world towards us. Only how we feel about ourselves and what we broadcast...
And so, day after day, I watch how the fair sex frantically struggles over the supposed shortcomings of their appearance. Men also sometimes fight, but not very selflessly - it’s not so important for them to be beautiful as to earn money.
Women torture themselves with diets and exercise equipment, inject anything into their faces, and wear monstrous heels. That's still okay. But plastic! Surgeon's knife! Such self-mockery is equated to masochism, and those who engage in this are simply unfortunate victims who are ready to do anything to be loved. Absolutely.
Yes. Any manipulation with your appearance, from self-tanning to liposuction, is a demonstration of self-doubt and a step towards narcissistic disorder.
And this is very unpleasant disorder when life is not sweet without universal and every minute approval, or better yet, admiration, and even better, adoration.
The worst thing is that for victims of the beauty industry, the measure of self-esteem is not appearance at all, but the presence or absence of a partner of certain parameters. By the way, about partners: the lower a man’s self-esteem, the more importance he attaches to the appearance of his wife or mistress. Self-confident people practically don’t care.
I don’t understand at all why endure, for example, painful injections botox when all world history, science and everyday experience simply scream that your appearance (as well as your tall moral qualities) does not play ANY ROLE in love, attraction, sex and the attitude of others towards us. There's a different trick there. Below I will tell you why.
Well, everyone knows who John Lenon married and adored - a man who could choose any woman in the world. And now remember Yoko Ono. Her appearance is very peculiar, even for Japanese tastes.
What about Paul McCartney and Heather Mills? This girl doesn’t even have one leg, but she managed to marry one of the richest and most blasé suitors in the world. (Also rob him).
And no one can be suspected that he did not have sex with beautiful people.
And at the same time, there are so many beautiful and very unhappy people around. And the most beautiful (okay, the sexiest) woman on earth, about whom 90% of the male population of this planet dreamed, whose portrait was carried in the breast pockets of American army soldiers in Vietnam - Marilyn Monroe - died of loneliness and alone. And in general I had a bunch psychological problems. And it was Marilyn who said: “ I was not used to being happy and therefore did not consider happiness something obligatory for myself.».
Hence the question: do you want to be beautiful or happy? If the latter, you need to work not on your appearance, but on your self-esteem.
Love yourself with any appearance, and then your appearance can really be anything! This is the law. “...you love us black, and everyone will love us white,” as it is written by Gogol.
You see, appearance is a very subjective concept. APPEARANCE IS ONLY WHAT YOU FEEL WHEN LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR...“I like myself” or “I don’t like myself” - that is the question.
Yes, love, like self-dislike, does not arise out of nowhere, and all this comes from childhood - hello to the parents. If a person cannot tolerate being rejected, if he is a priori sure that people MUST like him, and for this he MUST be good, it is clear that he has no idea about unconditional (and the only true) love. Mom and Dad loved this for a reason! Not because he was born and exists in the world... They didn’t kiss his ass and say that he was the most beautiful child in the world. Noooo. Directly or indirectly, they conveyed to him a false idea of \u200b\u200bgoodness, from which it follows that love must be earned, and even better, earned daily. And for this...
“I will be a wonderful housewife, I will learn how to cook deliciously, I will look like candy, and then someone will definitely notice my “human” talent!” – this is what most Russian women think, not necessarily out loud.
My dears! No one will love you for your luxurious eyelashes, borscht and cutlet and easy-going character. They love you for something else!
As they say, " Good girls go to heaven, and the bad ones go wherever they want.”
Besides, don’t you understand how unnaturally you behave when you stupidly want to be liked? Behind this behavior it is completely impossible to discern what kind of person he really is, but you can always sense tension and read dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction with oneself. Normal people All this is alarming and repulsive. But self-confidence, on the contrary, attracts and does not let go. But it's not just about confidence. For falling in love, love or passion to happen, a person must, as they say, “get hooked.” And it’s not at all catchy perfect shape nose, flat stomach or beautiful hair(except at the first moment, at which everything may end). Unconsciously, something from childhood catches your attention, an association, similarity, smell, gesture, manner of fiddling with a button, timbre of voice, in a word, some detail reminiscent of the parental home and the parent of the opposite sex. This association, by the way, does not necessarily have to be happy. And all the tricks, plastics, outfits and virtues are powerless against this...
For love there is no appearance, there is only character, “balls”, will, loyalty to oneself. This is the only thing in short supply in this world. And only this arouses interest, respect, desire.
And if you lack all this, there is only one way out - to be yourself. Develop your individuality and personal qualities. Don't compromise. Well, at least don’t mock yourself, don’t act like a victim!
Your appearance is only your self-esteem.
What you need to know about self-esteem? That if yours is low, then your life is hard.
Symptoms of low self-esteem:
- you feel inferior, you are consumed by feelings of guilt and humiliation;
- you are sure that people are unfair to you, and life in general is even more unfair to you;
- it seems to you that you are married to the wrong person, work in the wrong place and for the wrong salary;
- children do not meet your expectations;
- deep down in your soul you understand that you were born for a different life, but your enemies, ill-wishers, obligations and circumstances do not allow you to unfold into the full power of your destiny;
- you are often tormented by envy;
- you constantly compare yourself with others, and comparisons are always not in your favor;
- the choice of everything - from socks to work and apartment - is flawed (“for me this is too much”, “I don’t deserve more”);
- you are dependent on the opinions of others.
If any of the above is characteristic of you, rest assured that this is it: low self-esteem.
Let's remember who inspired you that you don't deserve the best? Mom, who explained everything about the hereditary shortcomings of your figure and your character, when you were still going to school kindergarten? Or maybe it was the first teacher who liked to repeat that “in forty years of work at school she had never seen such stupid child"? Or the first love, which ended in failure, for which you were blamed (“It’s all because of you! No one would last long with such a collection of claims and complexes as you!”), Or the first wife (husband), or the boss, or the person who interviewed you for that position?
So what should we do now?
First, realize that it is your problem, and not life that is so unfair.
Secondly, stop feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone around you for your problems.
And most importantly, start following your desires, aspirations, dreams. Cultivate your difference from others and not be ashamed of anything about yourself.
Okay, the little scary dude will say, you say everything correctly, and I sign every word and I can read it a hundred times, but it won’t increase my self-confidence. What to do? To which I will answer that you certainly need to work on accepting yourself as you are. Well, for example, try to provide yourself with maximum psychological comfort, respect your desires, devote time (and money) to yourself, try to enjoy life, get a taste of it, taste it, enjoy it.
The task is to independently fill the lack of love, to fill the voids that formed in childhood and adolescence. Directly set such a goal for yourself, consider it a priority, vitally important, and do not wait for others to make you happy.
Others will appear in your life and want to do you good exactly when you yourself feel your importance.
Text: Mikhail Labkovsky
Cover photo: “Dove for real beauty” campaign
- I'm afraid of her, she's so lazy! He gives neither himself nor me peace.
There are people who, even after work, on weekends, and on vacation, in general, are always in some kind of mobile state. They make your eyes dazzle. They don’t know how, for example, to just lie on the beach and watch the horizon... No, they hire a boat to catch special deep-sea fish far from the shore at six in the morning and then fry it in the hotel kitchen, to the horror of the chef. And at lunchtime they are already going to inspect some castle or hill, or grave famous poet. In the evening there is a disco. But what about it? Did we come in vain, or what? “Time should be spent usefully” is their motto. However, it is not clear how the benefit is measured.
Should I say that they enjoy their frantic activity? Most often NO. They just can’t stop and consider it a great advantage. Like, that’s the kind of person I am, everything is about business, everything is about business!
At the same time, such people also do not give peace to anyone around them. It especially affects children (not necessarily their own). Come on, get off the couch, why are you lying down?
Already done everything? Are the lessons written? What about oral?
And did you collect your briefcase (or what do you have instead of a briefcase)?
Clean up your room then! Socks are lying around...
Maybe at least read a book?
Then go for a walk and get some fresh air!
The child looks in fear and sometimes actually goes to do something that, from an adult’s point of view, is useful. Then he tries to lie down again. And here it seems like you can leave him alone, but no. Proponents of an active attitude to life cannot stand it when children “do nothing.” And again and again they drive them somewhere or lead them, or they start telling about the sad fates of idlers and janitors.
Do you think this is how they teach the child to work? And he listens to the reproaches and suddenly understands: it’s really me who’s lying down and shouldn’t I be ashamed?
No, he thinks - how sick of all this I am!
But here you need to understand that people behave this way not because they were born so harmful, but because they were also persecuted by their own parents, and when their parents’ parents were children, their elders said something even worse. For example:
- Look, he’s on vacation! We never had free time! We worked since we were 11 years old. At dawn we got up to give the chickens food, then to the barn, and to the field... So we grew up strong, hard-working...
They also asked rhetorical questions:
How is it that a person has nothing to do?
Or do you think someone will do something for you in life?
No wonder, and it so happened historically that constant convulsive activity is considered the norm, good sign and is strongly approved by society.
But life has changed, rebuilt. And now the point is not that our ancestors, the ancestors of our ancestors and the ancestors of their ancestors worked tirelessly for food and we cannot lag behind. The problem is that many of us have ANXIETY in us. Large and often inexplicable.
People fuss without any apparent need or results just to drown out this anxiety. It seems to them that if they stop, something will happen, something will be missed, a catastrophe and the end of the world. In reality, of course, there is nothing like that, and they understand this with their heads, but their heads cannot help here.
Photo by Artem Sokolov "Fingers hold arrows"
Unable to cope with worries of various kinds and unable to remain face to face with them, “anxious” people strive to attach meaning to absolutely any of their actions. And if they do anything, it is only with a purpose.
Walk, just walk, walk for pleasure - never, except to go shopping, or throw out trash, buy bread, or live cultural life- go to the cinema or theater. And again the question: do they enjoy achieving their goals, small and large? And again - no. The anxiety does not go away so easily, they need to run further. And running away is precisely a symptom and consequence of the inability to enjoy life. That pleasure itself can be the goal, anxious people Usually they don’t want to hear.
People, allow yourself to be lazy! It’s not shameful, it’s not harmful, and no one will scold you for what you haven’t done homework, you are adults. Get out of the habit of living in the old-fashioned “grab your bags, the station is leaving” style. Praise yourself not for hard work, but for harmony with yourself.
And please give your child these two hours a day, which I talk about at every lecture “about children.” For normal development a child must have a psyche and brain free time, completely free. Necessarily.
As a psychologist once again: the winner is not the one who worries and fuss all the time, but the one who is calm, self-confident and knows how to concentrate at the right moment.
Learn to just sit, lie down and not worry about anything, don’t think, don’t suffer, don’t plan, don’t have endless dialogues and monologues with offenders, don’t watch TV or a series on your computer, don’t flip through a magazine. Achieving many things in this life requires doing nothing first. Enter a state of doing nothing, catch it and prolong, prolong... If you cannot cope with anxiety yourself, seek help from specialists - a psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist. Life is worth it.
Understand that your last name is not Stakhanov and you don’t have to pack the five-year plan into three years. You should just live and live as happily as possible.
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Lecture-consultation (with ONLINE BROADCAST)
“How to get out of neurotic relationships”…with yourself, your partner, your children and your parents
A neurotic relationship is a relationship in which you are uncomfortable. How to get out of such a relationship and do it in the least painful way for yourself?
St. Petersburg, Hotel Angleterre, Malaya Morskaya str., 24
Classmates
How to become happy. Ten tips from Mikhail Labkovsky. Advice from one of the most popular psychologists, on a topic that Mikhail Labkovsky considers the main one in psychology. It's about about the ability to enjoy life. About why we are unhappy, what obstacles stand in our way and what needs to be changed to become happy.
#1.How to become happy: Don't be afraid to be happy
Most people live in families where it is not customary to enjoy life, it is not customary to say that everything is fine with you. Our parents' inability to rejoice and smile is passed on to us, and we believe that this is how life works.
Another of our tricks is the idea that if you had a good time, you will definitely have to pay for it. We are afraid to enjoy life and associate it with something vicious.
#2.How to become happy: Stop feeling sorry for yourself
When you tell others about your problems, what do you want? You want to complain, not solve it. The cult of suffering is another of our features. It is easier for us to suffer than to live happily.
A healthy person either accepts the situation or changes it. Neurotic - does not accept and does not change. Take, for example, physical illness which really prevents you from enjoying life.
But healthy people get treatment, and neurotic people want to get sick because they get a reason to feel sorry for themselves. People are ready to die on the road, because being treated means wanting to live and have fun.
#3.How to become happy: Separate real problems from imaginary ones
Neurotic from healthy person differs in that a healthy person worries about real problems, and a neurotic about non-existent ones. It's almost like a hobby - inventing a problem for yourself and suffering from it all day.
#4 How to become happy:. Don't try to help everyone around you
The desire to help others arises because you do not believe that you can be loved for nothing. By helping others you try to raise your own self-esteem. Therefore, unless you are asked, it is better not to touch people with your hands. Focus on those who really need help.
Neurotics cannot distinguish between addiction and love. Photo: Daria Popova
#5.How to be happy: Don't talk when you're not asked
When you answer questions that are not asked, you are revealing your anxiety. Once I was walking with a girl past a disgusting store called “Wardrobe” and she said: “What a beautiful dress“, and after a minute of my silence: “I knew that you were not a man.”
By the way, she is one hundred percent woman. But if she asked to buy, I would buy, and if in such situations you immediately run to the cash register, you are an insecure person.
#6.How to become happy: Separate love from addiction
People never give up what they love. Take smoking, for example. I smoked for 37 years, and for the last 10, three packs a day. Once I quit for an hour and forty, when the doctor said that I would soon be done.
I stopped smoking when I told myself that I don't like cigarettes, I'm just addicted to them. Neurotics cannot distinguish between addiction and love.
#7.How to become happy: Routine is not always bad
I have been doing the routine (lecturing) for 35 years and I feel great because I am a conservative person. Remember that Rabinovich asked the prisoner: “Why are you walking around the cell all the time, do you think you’re not sitting?”
Neurotics cannot live in peace, they constantly rush about, are afraid of not being able to do something, and receive a fifth-grade education. When the opportunity arises to do nothing, they become uncomfortable.
#8.How to become happy: Change yourself, not others
This, first of all, concerns raising children. You cannot do something with your children without doing anything to yourself. They don't perceive what you say, they perceive what you do and how you behave with others.
I advised a 70-year-old woman who did not understand why her son was 40 and did not call. It turned out that even at 15 she was annoying him by imposing her scripts on him. Therefore, remember what the flight attendant says on the plane - first put a mask on yourself, then on your children.
#9.How to become happy: Take criticism more easily
Remember how you are sitting on the subway and your grandmother comes in. The carriage looks at you with hatred, and you fly out of the place like a catapult. Why are you doing this, because your grandmother is not asking you to give in?
It's a matter of low self-esteem and fear of being convicted in absentia. Experiment and don't get up if you don't want to. No matter what they say - that you are unscrupulous, that you have never encountered such crap in your life, do not react. Over time, you will understand that someone else's assessment can be ignored.
#10.How to become happy: Do only what you want
The classic example with children is when you play with them because you have to - I mean good man, therefore, must play. Stop it. Play when you want, and when you don't want, don't play. Children also feel when you are not interested, and guilt is not love. Take care of your children when you want and as much as you want. You already have a lot of responsibilities.
